My son was stillborn at 20 weeks. I had many health problems throughout my pregnancy but none related to his death. I carried my son around for 2 weeks after he had passed unknowingly. His body was only at 18 weeks. A fourth of the placenta had detached from my uterus and he no longer received nutrients.
I have never drank, smoked, or used any kinds of drugs and I put off getting my hair dyed and my nails done because I read that the dye and the fumes were horrible for the baby. I did everything right and everything that the doctors had said but my son was still taken from me.
I can’t explain the emptiness I feel to my husband, it always seems like he doesn’t understand. All he can say is he knows I’m hurting and he can’t fix it. I have struggled with depression and suicide before my pregnancy but now it is worse. My son was my reason for living and now I cant even get out of bed most days. I feel empty and numb. I just want my son back and I know that won’t happen but I still just wish to wake up from this horrible nightmare.
-Mariah Chapman
Warwick, GA
Published 9/19/16
Dear Mariah,
I know what it is like to lose a precious child. I’ve had three miscarriages. I just want you to know that you are not alone and that you, just by continuing to live, are a tribute to the memory of your son. It never stops hurting but there are many of us who feel your loss with you and we want you around. Your husband is probably dealing with his own feelings of loss and is also having a hard time. Be good to each other and live, knowing that one day you will hold your son in your arms.
Mariah, I am so so sorry. I am. I’m crying with you right now. I have had 4 miscarriages, all by 7 weeks. I have one living daughter. Your pain is deep. I know, because you got to know him longer than I knew my children. So in no way am I trying to take your pain, but I do have one living daughter. She represents the hope that you will have a baby in your arms one day. This time will be difficult for you and your husband. My husband still doesn’t know how to express himself about it. I can cry all day and he just tries to hold me. I’ve never seen him shed a tear. But i found a slip of paper that fell out of his Bible, and on it he had written to God: Please help me hold back my pain so I can be there for her. It broke me, in a good way. Never underestimate the love of your husband in his silence. Or his pain. The two of you need to talk, and cry. You will make it through this beautiful, you will. I will be praying for you on knees and face that you get to look into the eyes of your living breathing baby one day, and because of the torment you feel now, your joy will be the most overwhelming you can imagine. You will always remember Jaxon. And you will never be the same. But thats what children are supposed to do to us, change us because we love them.