I am currently miscarrying my baby. And I feel like I need to write this because even as hard as this is, just like my baby I don’t want to forget it. I don’t want it to be something that “never happened.”
A dear friend of mine whom I confided in briefly shared with me her similar loss and with that grouped us as our own messy ladies club. Miscarriage is the club no one ever wants to be in. But even as I sat down at my cousin’s baby shower the other day, where I saw two of my other female cousins both also pregnant, showered with joy and excitement while no one new of the life inside of me leaving me, I had to remind myself that they too at some point were a part of this club. The statistics don’t make me feel better but they do help me to remind me that this isn’t a journey not yet walked. And although each day I have had to feel myself losing my baby more and more there is hope at the end.
No matter how far along we are in the process the moment a woman realizes there is life growing inside of her she is forever changed. Dealing with the painful emotions and loss of myself along with my baby is hard. But I know it’s something I need to feel all the way through. Just a few weeks ago I was blissfully laying down touching my belly, playing music and talking to my little baby who would have been born early August, a little Leo baby just like me. I was laughing to myself on my walks doing this because anyone would think I was crazy and talking to myself but I knew of the little secret life inside of me and I was not alone.
I wanted to wait until Christmas to tell my brothers and was very excited to see the 12 week mark where I could be more comfortable to express my excitement to the rest of my family and friends. But today I woke up in pain and over whelming sadness followed by hot flowing tears because that will not be my Christmas and my baby will not be here early August. Instead I am watching that little life leave me more and more each day. Eventually I will stop bleeding and the aches and pains my body is feeling to adjust to no longer being pregnant will end. But I know my baby will forever be in my heart and on my mind.
When I watch my cousins’ children get older I’ll think of their little cousin that would be experiencing similar things but never got to. And even when the day comes that I may have another child down the road I will still always think of my little baby. My first baby. The one that I never got to hold but I will forever hold in my heart and my dreams. I know this isn’t the end and as much as I don’t want to let go I know I have to. I know it won’t be easy but my body will heal, my heart will heal and someday I’ll feel that joy again.