Brandy’s Story

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My husband and I were married on October 13, 2013. An impossible planner, and very well organized, I literally planned out every minute of our life. Every minute. But when I got that first pregnancy test, I didn’t plan for that. I wasn’t on birth control any longer, but after just having surgery to remove my fibroids a year before, I just didn’t think we were ready. But we were pregnant and that was that! We were elated, due April 2015, and told everyone. It was, however, short lived. By week 7, in August, there was a sac, but no baby. I wasn’t too hurt, because it didn’t fit in with the “plan.” It was ok. We would try again at the beginning of 2015 in our new home, more stable and able to really enjoy it.

And it happened. On my birthday. I knew the second it happened, just like I knew the second I met my hubby he was the one. On Valentine’s Day I told him and he was thrilled. We took all the precautions and tests, everything was ok. It really was. I was viciously sick with morning sickness and found out I had hyperemesis gravidarum (HG), but again, that was ok. It was a sacrifice I would make for this perfect angel to be born around our anniversary, a much calmer date in our life and a perfect celebration for year 2.

Week 18 was different though. Week 18 didn’t show me as much favor as the other weeks had. We’d made it through every statistical issue, suffered through the HG, and then my water broke. I didn’t think that was what it was, but it was. Called the doc, and they told me it was going to be okay, the baby was carrying low and probably just kicked my bladder, monitor the movements and call back. Saturday was fine, I worked, no pain, some movements, and just tired. So I slept. Sunday I awoke, preparing to go to the store and have some “me time,” but something was different. I was cramping, not heavy, no bleeding, and passed it off as round ligament pains. They were real, they happened before, I wasn’t crazy. But these were different. My hubby was prepping for work and I told him the cramps were getting like contractions. And they were just that. We joked that it was good practice for when the baby came.

Then the baby came. I went to the bathroom to pee thinking I’d found some relief. And the baby came. Then the tears and the blame. The anger. The frustration at myself.

The ambulance came for me and carried me down the stairs, my angel in a covered something so I couldn’t see. I was balling, my husband was balling and trying to contact family to meet at the hospital, and I couldn’t bear to even say words except for this is my fault. My fault.

At the hospital the doctor and nurses were great. They rushed to my side to take care of me and get the rest of the event over with. Try to naturally deliver the rest. And on the counter just lay my birthday present. They eventually moved the baby to the bed to let me know if it was a girl or a boy, and I writhed in pain because I was having to still go through labor. I slept for what felt like 5 minutes, but had to have been longer, and woke up with chills, a fever, and much pain. I just remember begging for it to be over, feeling the contractions–knowing they didn’t mean anything–and suffering for a moment. Everywhere I looked I saw the covering where the baby was. It was a boy. Devastating because my husband had wished badly for that son. Right after that news sent another contraction the doctor realized there was just too much blood so we had to do a D & C.

And I couldn’t find any words. The hospital volunteers brought me a series of books and pamphlets and hand knitted things. All beautiful, but there was never a baby they could bring to me. I’m still hurting, I am still crying. I still feel pregnant, I still can’t eat. But eventually that too will fade.

-Brandy S.
Stone Mountain, GA
Published 6/3/15


5 Comments

Shannon

September 25, 2015 at 6:04 pm

Hi Brandy. I wanted to check on you. I just read your story, and felt moved to reply. I lost my son at 28 weeks and 1 day pregnant on August 21, 2015. This grief is like nothing else. Just devastating. If you want a friend to write to that is going through the very worst with you, please feel free to email me. I will be praying for you. Grace and peace be with you.

jessica harold

January 10, 2016 at 7:46 pm

This story has my heart aching tremendously! I’m still trying to get myself together after my recent loss. It is super hard to get through something so tremendous. God is with us & he knows about our pain & grief. I need help & support. My husband & I have kids & we are very grateful, but to lose a child is still very devastating & painful. We wanted our baby girl badly. We were prepared to have our full-term baby & be able to bring her home. God bless this family & help them with their grief & healing process.

Tiffani Webb

January 14, 2017 at 1:32 pm

Brandy you are an amazing woman. This is such a very painful situation and even worse when everything is going fine and you make it out of the 1st trimester. I was just 17 weeks when my miscarriage came and I had slight bleeding so I went to the hospital immediately and they did US as well as transvaginal and monitored the heart beat and everything was fine. Just 2 days later when I went for my follow up with my ob I was 4cm dilated and funneling. I had to go straight to the hospital and was admitted immediately. They had me in this 90 degree angle position to sleep and a bedpan. That did not matter because the next morning I went for another us and the ballooning was 1/2 out of cervix and gravity had not made it go back up into the cervix so they could do a cerclage (Sew up cervix). Now I have everyone trying to insist that I induce and I was like Absolutely NOT. The next morning my water broke and there was no saving the baby:( I had to deliver and have d&C as the placenta would not come out on its own. I say all this to say to you that even if you would have made it to the hospital in time the inevitable could have still occurred. Sometimes it is beyond our understanding and bodies why things happen. I had a full term fine pregnancy the first time and never experienced a miscarriage until this happened. I will never know the reason but I do know we cannot blame ourselves exp. if you want to try again. I am 41 and will try again (although I didn’t feel that way just a week ago when I was experiencing all this). Now that this has happened, even when I was in the so called safe zone, I will take every precaution and be proactive to try and not have it happen again. This time around I am going to have a cerclage at 13 weeks and probably stay on progesterone longer. I am also going to stay with my fertility doctor the entire way through or go to a high risk pregnancy doctor and go back to my regular ob only to deliver at 9 months. If you ever need to talk or throw ideas off one another I am definitely open to it:)))))

Teyanna W.

April 25, 2017 at 7:59 pm

Wow. I am so sorry about what happened to you and your husband. My husband and I truly understand the pain. We lost two babies, one at 31weeks and the other at 6weeks. We’ve been trying, but haven’t been able to conceive. I really hope yall get to experience the joy of being parents soon. I will pray for you guys.

Christopher

August 3, 2017 at 10:43 pm

Hello Brandi, my wife and I just lost our baby boy.

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