In 2005 I married who is now my ex-husband. In 2006 and 2007 my ex-husband and I lost children to miscarriage. Both pregnancies were losses before even knowing we were pregnant. The doctors really didn’t give us a reason why other than the fertility drugs they had me taking. We were told the only possible way we could have gotten pregnant was through fertility because of two previous bouts with cancer. That marriage ended following the detachment from one another after the second loss.
In 2011 I met my wonderful husband Jason. We were married exactly one year to the date of our first date. That was in March 2012 and by May we were pregnant without any fertility drugs of any kind. Our son was due Valentine’s Day 2013 but showed up 6 weeks early on January 8, 2013. He was 8lbs 7oz at 6 weeks early. He’s now two and a half and brings such joy & happiness to everyone he sees.
We found out a few weeks ago we were pregnant again. We were so hoping for a little redheaded, blue-eyed baby girl. Our hearts were shattered. Our baby was at 7.5 weeks gestation so we will never know the gender. Doctors had found a blood clot between the placenta and my uterine wall larger than the amniotic sack itself. Our baby’s heartbeat went from a low 121 to a lower 99 in one week and by the end of the July 4th weekend she was gone. The doctors seem to think that the blood clot was taking the blood needed for our baby to survive. Its little heart tuckered out and didn’t develop completely.
We already had names chosen and were about to start looking for furniture for the nursery. I think the hardest part is having a little boy kissing my belly and calling it his baby. I’m seriously thinking of a tubal ligation so that my heart isn’t shattered again. What should I do? Where do we go from here? How do we heal?
-Candi
Missouri
Published 8/3/15