A letter to our little Angel Baez
This has been a very emotional month for me. Since I got pregnant with you, my first little one in March 2020, when I found out that you exist I did not know if I had to cry or smile. I was scared and stressed out with my job and the situation with COVID-19. I was so happy that I want everyone to know about your existence. Some family and friends were happy, for others it was not a big deal.
When I confirmed with a doctor that you were really there, I was double happy, but an ultrasound couldn’t being done because of coronavirus. Later that week I start feeling that things are not going according to the plan because I started bleeding. I called my doctor, she always gave me hope that it was normal and everything will be OKAY. I kept calling her because the bleeding started to increase and my only option was go to the emergency room.
I saw in you in my dreams the day I was losing you. You were saying goodbye to me, you were beautiful but you weren’t smiling. I wake up crying and when I went to the bathroom I felt something came out from my vagina and I ask your Daddy to take me to the hospital. When they did the ultrasound the nurse never spoke and gave me a hot blanket, that confirmed for me that you left early in your life. The doctor sent me home because it was too risky being in the emergency because of the coronavirus, and maybe in two weeks I can come back to see if you were still there or not.
That night I slept alone, and you father was suffering on the sofa while he hears me crying. His heart cried because the pain of losing you was killing us while my body was removing you from me.
I really miss seeing you growing in my belly, but God knows why he allows this to occur and he always has better plans for his children. In all this pain I have been able to learn and be more grateful with life, with God and everything I have. To think that you my angel left and I could not give you the world, but you now have something greater which is heaven, you will be waiting for me there and I will meet you some day.
Meanwhile I must be happy because I know you wanted that from me. Yes of course I have a lot of pain and I had the desire to abandon everything. But if I stop dreaming, if I stop trying, that month and some weeks that I lasted with you in my womb and the happiness that it gave me while I had your great soul inside me is useless if I abandon myself in sadness and loneliness. I had learned so much more in these days of suffering than those days in the past I had stopped living.
I am glad that I found some great human beings who support me in the middle of this crisis. Your Daddy cried with me and supports me all time, some family doctors helped me (those I can mention are Dayissell, Maura and Joan) and some family and great friends.
Some people do not seem to understand how it feels for me to lose you. It’s almost like it never happened for them, and people just expect you to move on with life and try again. But I believe in this: “Don’t give up. I believe in you all. A person is a person, no matter how small” ~ Dr. Seuss
May God bless you my Angel hope to see you in the sky when my time is come.