To my little one

I thought God had given me the greatest gift. I found out December 23, 2020  that I was going to be a mom again. It was a surprise and I couldn’t think of a better gift to receive for Christmas. 2 weeks later I began to spot and I thought it was normal. That spotting turned into heavy bleeding and I rushed to the ER. My ultrasound showed an empty gestational sac and it was only measuring 5 weeks. I was placed on pelvic rest but the nights were long and the cramps mixed with anxiety never stopped.

Neither did the bleeding. I went back to the ER on Saturday January 9th and they confirmed my worst fear. I was miscarrying, and there was nothing that could be done. I went home and on Sunday January 10, 2020 I lost my little one. The feeling of being numb has now given way to complete devastation and emptiness. I will never get to hold you or hear you cry. The sound of you laughing while I tickle you will never be a joy that I get to have. I just have to say goodbye somehow, yet I don’t even know how to do that. It wasn’t suppose to be a goodbye you were suppose to join us in this life. To my precious baby I’m so sorry we didn’t have more time. Mommy loves you and my heart yearns for you.

Arielle’s Story

I had a chemical pregnancy in October 2017. It was my first pregnancy and unplanned, but we were very excited. That excitement did not last long as the pregnancy ended quickly. However, we tried that same cycle, and I got pregnant with my daughter. She is now 2. I had a relatively uneventful, full term pregnancy with her. She is now the light of my life.

When she was about 13/14 months, I got pregnant again. It was very much a surprise, but after the initial shock and fear wore off, we were excited to have a sibling for our daughter close in age. The due date was 6/20/2020. I told 3 of my closest friends and that is it. When I went in for my ultrasound at 10 weeks, I was told there was no heartbeat and the baby was only measuring 6 weeks. That was November 2019. I was devastated. I started miscarrying later that week. It was a long process, and took about a month for my HCG level to get back to 0.

My husband and I decided not to try again right away, as the timing just wasn’t right. Within a few months of my loss, my 3 closest friends (the ones who knew about the loss) all announced to me that they are pregnant. I was happy for them, but also devastated and so sad for myself. After several months of therapy and working through my anxiety and depression, my husband and I felt that the time was right for us to try again.

We started trying in August 2020, and I got pregnant right away. This pregnancy was filled with so much fear and anxiety. Around 6/7 weeks along, I just felt this overwhelming anxiety that something was not right and the same thing was going to happen. I begged my OB and PCP to get me an ultrasound, and they did. I went in when I thought I was 7 weeks 5 days, but baby was measuring 6 weeks. I went back 10 days later, and there was no heartbeat and no growth. That was yesterday. I started miscarrying later that day.

I’m beyond devastated. I feel like such a failure. I know it’s not my fault, but I can’t help but feel like there is something wrong with me, which makes it my fault. None of my friends have experienced loss, so I feel so alone. Doctors are now using the word “infertility” and that just makes me feel so inadequate.

I really want another child. I want to give my daughter a sibling, but now I fear that I can’t. I know I should be happy because I have a beautiful, healthy daughter, but this was not the life I had planned for. Sometimes I feel like if I disappeared the world would just be a better place. I try not to think that for my daughter, but I can’t help it. I feel like I want to try again immediately, but I feel like I won’t survive another loss. Doctors want to start testing to see if there is anything wrong medically, but I feel like my life is passing by, and I’m not getting any younger (currently 29). I’m just struggling to accept this is how my life may turn out.

-Arielle
Boston, MA

Tiana’s Story

My name is Tiana Jordan and this is my story: On May 12, 2020 I went to the Emergency Room because for the last week I had noticed that my legs, feet, and thighs would swell every single day and I wanted to know what was happening to me. When I got back to a room my blood pressure was taken, it was well into the 200s/110 which was at stroke level.

After a while I was told to provide a urine sample and of course a blood sample. A few minutes later the RN comes in and tells me that I am 23 weeks pregnant! I was looking like there is no way and are you sure you have the right room, sure enough I was pregnant. The shock came because I deal with Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS) and was always told that I may or may not be able to have children and was prescribed progesterone to regulate my cycle and hormones.

So at this point the hospital would not release me and was trying to figure out ways to get my blood pressure down. While I waited I called my boyfriend and told him about the baby, he thought I was joking but I assured him there was a baby and I had literally been pregnant for five months and had no idea. I was eventually transferred to Vanderbilt University Medical Center for monitoring. That same day I was given an ultrasound and found out I was having a boy, myself and my family were elated. The doctors informed me early on that they were trying to determine if I had chronic hypertension before pregnancy or if I was dealing with pre-eclampsia and how that would affect the baby and myself.

Eventually my blood pressure and swelling began to fluctuate and I was given medication to try to balance it, but the hospital wanted to monitor me. Everyday the nurses would monitor the baby’s heartbeat, he would always be in the same spot and maintained a good strong heartbeat. I had been in the hospital a week already and was just ready to be out of there and get back to normal life and begin planning for the baby.

Fast forward to May 21, 2020 the nurse checked the baby’s heartbeat about 2:45pm and I noticed that it had dropped some but I figured he was just moving around. Around 10pm that same day the nurse came to check the baby’s heartbeat and couldn’t find one, she called in another nurse and she couldn’t find one either. On-call doctors were called in and brought in the ultrasound – it was then I was told that the baby had passed away. I was absolutely devastated and began crying uncontrollably. I calmed down enough to call my mom who called my boyfriend and he immediately showed up and stayed with me throughout the delivery of our baby who was born on May 23, 2020.

My boyfriend has been the most amazing and supportive man I have ever met. The nursing staff allowed us much time to spend with our son and even though he wasn’t alive those moments meant everything to me. We named him Kevin Maurice Sanders Jr and I view him as my angel. This is still very fresh and hard to deal with but I know that being allowed to be his mom for that short amount of time was not in vain. Once I am to a point where I can talk about it out loud I want to be a support for those dealing with pregnancy loss….this is my story!

-Tiana Jordan
Clarksville, TN

Angelica’s Story

A letter to our little Angel Baez

Dear Angel,

This has been a very emotional month for me. Since I got pregnant with you, my first little one in March 2020, when I found out that you exist I did not know if I had to cry or smile. I was scared and stressed out with my job and the situation with COVID-19. I was so happy that I want everyone to know about your existence. Some family and friends were happy, for others it was not a big deal.

When I confirmed with a doctor that you were really there, I was double happy, but an ultrasound couldn’t being done because of coronavirus. Later that week I start feeling that things are not going according to the plan because I started bleeding. I called my doctor, she always gave me hope that it was normal and everything will be OKAY. I kept calling her because the bleeding started to increase and my only option was go to the emergency room.

I saw in you in my dreams the day I was losing you. You were saying goodbye to me, you were beautiful but you weren’t smiling. I wake up crying and when I went to the bathroom I felt something came out from my vagina and I ask your Daddy to take me to the hospital. When they did the ultrasound the nurse never spoke and gave me a hot blanket, that confirmed for me that you left early in your life. The doctor sent me home because it was too risky being in the emergency because of the coronavirus, and maybe in two weeks I can come back to see if you were still there or not.

That night I slept alone, and you father was suffering on the sofa while he hears me crying. His heart cried because the pain of losing you was killing us while my body was removing you from me.

I really miss seeing you growing in my belly, but God knows why he allows this to occur and he always has better plans for his children. In all this pain I have been able to learn and be more grateful with life, with God and everything I have. To think that you my angel left and I could not give you the world, but you now have something greater which is heaven, you will be waiting for me there and I will meet you some day.

Meanwhile I must be happy because I know you wanted that from me. Yes of course I have a lot of pain and I had the desire to abandon everything. But if I stop dreaming, if I stop trying, that month and some weeks that I lasted with you in my womb and the happiness that it gave me while I had your great soul inside me is useless if I abandon myself in sadness and loneliness. I had learned so much more in these days of suffering than those days in the past I had stopped living.

I am glad that I found some great human beings who support me in the middle of this crisis. Your Daddy cried with me and supports me all time, some family doctors helped me (those I can mention are Dayissell, Maura and Joan) and some family and great friends.

Some people do not seem to understand how it feels for me to lose you. It’s almost like it never happened for them, and people just expect you to move on with life and try again. But I believe in this: “Don’t give up. I believe in you all. A person is a person, no matter how small” ~ Dr. Seuss

May God bless you my Angel hope to see you in the sky when my time is come.

-Angelica Baez
Whitehall, PA

Maggie’s Story

My story is I was pregnant with twin girls whose names were Delany and Willow. This was my first pregnancy and when I became pregnant I was so happy and then when I found out it was twin girls I was even more in shock. My boyfriend (who is now my ex) was so happy because these were his first.

At 14 weeks was having some pain and went to the ER. They said I was in the process of losing one of twins but the other one was still there. But, when I went to my doctor appointment I found out I miscarried both of the girls. That was in Sept. 2019 that I found out.

This month Feb. 2020 I would have been 7 months and I would be due in April 2020. How do I more on when I think about the girls all time and what could have been. What’s hard is that I didn’t even bleed my doctor said that my body soaked them up. Just wanted to share my story because I feel like no one gets what I am going through.

-Maggie
Westerville, OH