There’s a reason I’m choosing to continue to try to have a baby after four hard miscarriages. I miscarried Monday morning. Today is Friday. I don’t know why but this one was extremely hard physically and emotionally.
My last pregnancy I was almost 12 weeks pregnant (3 months) when I miscarried. Everything was going good. The baby was developing normally and it had a strong heartbeat. Then I started having cramps which later turned into contractions. So I went to the emergency room where I was told because I was not 20 weeks yet there was nothing they could do for me and sent me home. No tests. No ultrasound. Nothing. I was devastated.
As we drove home the contractions got more intense. Josh and I tried to sleep but I was awakened every 10 minutes from an oncoming contraction. I rose early that day because I couldn’t try to sleep anymore. My mom tried to get me to eat but to no avail. I had absolutely no appetite. About 2 hours later I felt like I had to go the bathroom. I sat on the toilet and felt the urge to push. I gave one small push and cried in horror as I felt my little baby slide out of me. I looked and there it was. A little tiny baby. It probably wouldn’t even take up the whole palm of my hand.
I cannot begin to describe to you the pain I felt as I looked at this tiny little person. I called my mom and told her what happened. She asked if I was sure and I told her I was and to look. Her eyes were filled with tears as she looked back up at me and nodded her head. My husband had come to the bathroom to see what was wrong. I put the lid down on the toilet and sat down. He asked what happened and I began to sob. I explained everything that just happened as best I could. You see it was very hard to talk as I was crying so hard. He held me and cried.
I knew what had to happen next but I couldn’t do it. When women have miscarriages in the early weeks of pregnancy, it usually happens on the toilet. When that happens we have no choice ….but to flush it. No one wants to think about how hard having a miscarriage actually is. A lot of people like to talk bad and even make fun of women who have had miscarriages because a lot of them like to think of themselves as a mother in some way. And I believe that they are. They are mothers of babies that they never got to hold in their arms. I’m not just saying this because I am one of them. This is something I truly believe. To the people that like to insult these women and tell them “just because you had a miscarriage that doesn’t make you a mom” let me ask you this: Have you ever had to flush your baby down the toilet?
I didn’t let Josh see as I flushed the toilet. I couldn’t let him have that image in his head. I knew it would hurt him. He walked me back to our room and helped me back into bed. A few moments later my mom walked in and hugged me so tight. She cried and told me this was God’s plan for me. Everything happens for a reason and one day He will bless us with a baby. Now was not the time. My sister came over to see me and she couldn’t help but to cry too. I was amazed by how much this impacted my family, not just me and Josh. Thinking back to that day still brings tears to my eyes.
My family supported me the entire time and they were there for me as Josh and I mourned our lost baby. I have one ultrasound of that little baby. Earlier in my pregnancy we named it Squishy. My next appointment was scheduled 2 days after I miscarried. At that visit were supposed to hear Squishy’s heartbeat but we never got a chance.
My first 2 pregnancies weren’t like that. I miscarried around 6 or 7 weeks with both of them. I’m not saying they weren’t hard to go through because they were. I never got to see them or get an ultrasound. My first pregnancy, I was at the doctor for my first visit and the ultrasound showed a 5 week fetus. I couldn’t see anything. Later that night I lost my first baby.
Every one my pregnancies and miscarriages has taken a small part of me. I don’t think people really understand how painful a miscarriage is unless they have experienced it. It is extremely heartbreaking.
My most recent pregnancy was very hard on me. It was hard because I didn’t think I would lose my fourth baby. In my mind it seemed impossible to me that this would happen a fourth time. Josh and I were very optimistic about this one. Everything seemed to be going well but I hadn’t been to the doctor yet so I couldn’t know for sure.
I kept track on how far along I should be and checked every week what my baby would look like. We were enjoying my pregnancy and very excited. Nine weeks and three days into my pregnancy I began to start spotting a brown color. I was worried but was told brown spotting/discharge is normal. So I tried not to stress myself out and prayed everything would be okay. Two days later the spotting turned bright red. I began to panic because that’s how it started with my previous miscarriages. Josh drove me to the hospital where they did an ultrasound.
There is nothing more nerve racking than having an ultrasound done and not being able to know right then and there if everything is okay. But the tech is not permitted to give results, I had to wait for the doctor to come see me, which was three hours later. I stared experiencing some cramping and was given something for the pain through an IV. When the doctor walked in she told I had to do a pelvic exam to see if my cervix was open or closed. She told me that my ultrasound showed a yolk sac and what looked to be a five week fetus. She also informed me that my HCG levels were where they were supposed to be if I was five weeks pregnant. My heart dropped because I knew I was already almost ten weeks pregnant. After the pelvic exam the doctor told me my cervix was closed and sent me home with the diagnosis of a “threatened miscarriage.”
The next day I was in excruciating pain. With all of my pregnancies the pain was there, even when I was pregnant with my Squishy I was in pain but it was manageable. I dealt with it. But this time the pain was unbearable. I took some medicine to help with the pain but nothing worked. All I could do was cry to Josh. He called my doctor (my first ultrasound was scheduled a day from now) and he said if I was losing too much blood I had to go back to the emergency room. I was not soaking through more than two pads so I didn’t go but the pain kept on.
I couldn’t sleep or eat or do anything. Josh held me and tried to soothe the pain by rubbing my back but it didn’t help much. He wanted to take me back to the hospital but I refused to go. After my experiences I knew all they would do was run the same tests and after a few hours send me home. So we stayed home I tried to get through it. I remember sitting in the bathroom crying and praying to God to please ease my pain just for a little while. I prayed and prayed and then went back to my bed. As I lay there I started to feel my pain ease up a little. A little more time went by and I wasn’t in any pain at all. He had answered my prayers and since the pain was at bay I was able to get a few hours of sleep. The next morning I woke up early because the pain had come back. I had an appointment that morning at 10:45 and I was debating if I should reschedule because I was in so much pain I didn’t think I could handle a transvaginal ultrasound. But Josh said it would be better for me to see the doctor to see what was going on and if I was okay. So we started to get ready.
At nine a.m. I had the urge to go to the bathroom and in my mind I knew this was it. I gave a small push and out it came. As my baby came out I began to cry hysterically. I was so ashamed of myself because I was relieved it was over. I just wanted the pain to stop. But as the realization sunk in that I lost my baby I fell to my knees and began to sob. I had my fourth miscarriage. I tried to compose myself as best as I could and then walked out the bathroom to tell Josh what had happened. He hugged me as tears began to fall down his face. We cried together for awhile and decided to head to the doctor’s office.
I was no longer in pain but was bleeding pretty heavily. When we got to the doctor I was waiting for a long time. I asked the receptionist if I could just reschedule my visit but she said because that wasn’t my doctor’s main office I would have to speak to him. A few moments later a nurse walked out and asked why I wanted to reschedule. She walked me to the back for some privacy and I told I had miscarried that morning. I couldn’t finish speaking because I had begun to cry. She embraced me and said it would be okay. She said she knew I was bleeding a lot but it would be better to let the doctor see right away to see if there was any sign of the pregnancy left and if I might need a D&C. I was moved that a complete stranger would comfort me and I will never forget her.
Josh and I went back to one of the rooms and I prepared to have an ultrasound. My doctor explained everything every step of the way and faced the screen towards me so that I could see as he did the ultrasound. He said it looks like the baby came out along with the yolk sac but there was still a little thickness so I might pass a blood clot. He also said my cervix was pretty much closing already. After everything was done he began to answer any questions I had. I asked him if he knew why I kept miscarrying and he said any tests performed would most likely come back normal. I had some tests done after I lost Squishy and, as he said , everything came back normal. There was absolutely nothing wrong with me, my uterus, or my cervix. I was normal.
He then told me that my next pregnancy I would need to be on a progesterone supplement because my body probably wasn’t producing enough for a pregnancy. I would have to be on the supplement until I was about 12 weeks because then the placenta would take over. He told me that this is not my fault and nothing I could do could have prevented the miscarriage from happening. He also told me to keep trying to have a baby, that this should not be a reason for us to give up, and that he was sure we would have plenty of babies in the future. I have never met a kinder staff. The nurse and the doctor were very polite and understanding and wanted to comfort me. Their kindness has truly touched my heart.
A couple of days have passed and the bleeding has stopped but today I passed another blood clot and started to bleed a little again. I’m a little worried but I’m sure everything is okay. I have a follow up appointment in about a week to make sure everything is okay. Josh is certain that he wants to try to get pregnant again but for a while I wasn’t sure I wanted to. I want nothing more than to have a baby but I didn’t know if I could handle this a fifth time. I know there’s no guarantee my next pregnancy would be another miscarriage but there’s also no guarantee that it wouldn’t. And I wasn’t sure if my heart could take it.
I have considered getting the implant that prevents pregnancy for a few years. I’ve considered not getting pregnant ever again. But I have come to this conclusion: In my heart I know I want to keep trying. I am not ready to give up. I am 22 years old and my husband is 25. We are still very young and in my heart I believe that we will have our baby in the future. Two nights ago as we were going to bed I began to cry. My heart was so broken and the pain felt physical. Josh held me as I let it all out. I think that was the moment I decided we can try again. We just have to be strong. There is no medical reason why we shouldn’t so we are going to go for it.
I hope my story has touched someone’s heart or has been any type of comfort for someone who has had a similar situation. I needed to get this out and I feel so relieved to have been able to share it. I know that what Josh and I are about to do is risky but we won’t give up. I know someday we will be blessed with our own little bundle of joy.