Danielle’s Story

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My story began a year ago. We knew we wanted to start a family, have a baby, so we went to a preconception appointment. My doctor gave us the all clear to start trying, I began taking prenatals and we truly lucked out as we were pregnant within that first cycle of trying. I had all the pregnancy symptoms and even started with a little baby bump. We were so excited! Our 7 week appointment showed a slow fetal heart rate, but they said it doesn’t necessarily mean anything. They had us back in 2 weeks for a follow-up. That’s when we learned the baby’s heart had stopped and he or she stopped growing. It was heartbreaking.

I had no idea what to do or what to expect. My doctor gave me options and I chose to take medication and see if I could  pass everything on my own. I didn’t expect the cramping or bleeding to be so intense. I was so hurt and confused. It took several cycles for my body to bounce back. We were brave enough to try again, and it did take a little longer than the first time but we were blessed! Again! The pregnancy symptoms were even more intense this time. We could not feel excited and this time we waited to buy things or tell people. We were too nervous…too scared. After each ultrasound, each doppler, each check up that hope, that dream, seemed just a little more real. Our fears slowly shifted to excitement as we learned she was a girl and had a 1 in 200,000 chance of several chromosomal problems. Everything was perfect!

We finally shared the wonderful news and started preparing for our daughter. Each week I felt her moving more and saw her growing. I had 2 nights go by where I didn’t feel her move and I got concerned. I had been working a different schedule those two nights, and figured I was just being paranoid due to the previous loss. Besides, I had a doctor appointment that next day anyway. At the doctor’s, he failed to find her strong heartbeat on the doppler. An ultrasound confirmed our worst fears. That’s the day that shattered our lives FOREVER.

We have no choice to go on, but we will never be the same. I was more than half way through my pregnancy. I thought we were safe. Sadly there is no safe. Again I was given options (only this time different due to being much further along). I chose to give birth. The numbness and shock carried me through the whole 8 hours of labor. I delivered our little girl. She was perfectly formed/developed, just very tiny. She had my face and her father’s big hands and feet. Though she wasn’t alive, she felt that way to us.

We enjoyed several hours with her. We cherish the pictures, hand and footprints, moments we shared. She touched our lives forever. We chose to have a service and to bury her. Family and friends were a part of every process. Sometimes it feels too real, other times it feels it never happened. It’s like a bad nightmare we cannot wake up from. The grief comes in waves. We just take it one day at a time and try to have faith she’s an angel now (we named her Faith).

-Danielle F.
East Providence, RI
Published 6/29/15


10 Comments

Carmen Tamay

October 8, 2015 at 3:10 pm

Reading your story left me in tears.. I recently had a miscarriage in August, I had woke up to intense cramps but just figured they were gas I went about my day and later started to spot, I could not come in contact with my doctor as there office is really busy all the time! So, I decided to go to the hospital, my hubby worked nights so he had to leave and my mom come to sit at the hospital with me.. They did lots of blood work and told me everything looked fine they just wanted to do an ultrasound to make sure everything was perfect.. Well, in the ultrasound I knew something was wrong, I know that if everything was fine she would have showed me the heartbeat, and she didn’t … my heart was completely broken… They wheel me back to my room and the doctor comes in and say “the ultrasound didn’t look good” I didn’t know what to do other than to make my mom leave out the room so I could cope with the news alone.. He told me it wasn’t my fault that there was nothing I could do to have prevented it .. He said my baby’s heartbeat just stopped beating, that he or she’s had been growing perfectly.. The last month has been so hard the friends and support I thought I had have not been there at all, I feel so alone.. Just no one seems to understand they all tell me to forget about it and move on .. that’s so hard.. I lost my child that day.. a part of me died that i’ll never get back.. the hubby wants to ttc again but I’m just so afraid ..

    danielle

    January 20, 2016 at 10:21 pm

    It doesn’t matter how far along or how many loses…its a loss, and it’s devastating. We love our babies from that first thought, from conception, or that first heartbeat. It’s unfair for anyone to expect you to feel or not feel a certain way. You need to grieve your own way at your own pace. When people don’t themselves go through it; they really just don’t get it. You are not alone, but I know it feels that way. I’m part of that club also. Trying again is terrifying but your choice whenever it feels right. Best wishes

    michele

    November 29, 2016 at 12:54 pm

    I feel the same way you do. i lost my baby at 10.5 weeks…my son, i had the same signs as you did and went to the hospitail with in two weeks my babys heart beat went from 180 to no heart beat. I did a DNC. Know i just found out that i have endometreosis and can not have children at all. it is heart breaking making the disscion on haveing either the ablasion or a historectomy. i have Dr atp this thursday to schudle that. I was by myself when i heard i lost the babby that was going to be named Caleb Francis after his father who had passed away suddly in May and i lost our son in June. it is something i cannot get over or will get over. My father said that is the past (it happend in 2014) to focus on the future that hurt me a lot because i feel that they count my rainbow baby as part of the family. My moms side does thank god…I will pray for you …take care

Emily

December 16, 2015 at 5:21 pm

Your story is very similar to mine. I miscarried the first time in 2010 around 10 weeks when the doctors were unable to find the heart beat. I was given a pill to “clear my uterus” and was devastated. A year later I was blessed to get pregnant again and was lucky to have my son (who is now almost 4). We decided to expand our family this year and I was told I was pregnant with a baby girl who was due in April of 2016. Around my 22 week of pregnancy I was leaking fluid and then told my baby Ella had died while in utero. Nobody knew what had happened because even the amount of fluid I had ruptured was not enough to cause death. I decided to deliver and after 24 hours of labor I delivered a perfect baby girl (though small). The cord had been wrapped around her neck four times. This was only about 2 weeks ago, and I don’t know how to stop crying. I swear I still feel her moving in me.
I’m sorry for your loss- I know it all too well.

    danielle

    January 20, 2016 at 10:10 pm

    It’s nice to not feel alone, yet it’s heart-wrenching to know others are sharing in this pain.I’m sorry to hear everything you have been through. It’s been 9 months since Faith’s death and i still break down and cry. I have good days and bad. It’s normal…it’s ok. It’s expected with what we’ve been through. There is nothing worse losing a child..or i cant imagine there would be anything worse. I hope you have a good support system. Take care and just do any little thing you can to help you through each day.

Melissa C

January 20, 2016 at 12:46 pm

Hi Danielle,

I would love to be able to talk to you more. I live in Warwick and just lost my baby on January 11th at 36 weeks pregnant. We had services for my daughter yesterday and I’m at a loss with how to move forward. I don’t understand why God didn’t take me instead of my little girl 🙁 if you would mind contacting me via email or on fb (Melissa Constant) I would love to be able to talk to you. I’m so sorry for your loss. No parent should have to go through this 🙁

    danielle

    January 20, 2016 at 10:01 pm

    Happy our paths crossed. So sorry for your loss. No absolutely no parent should have to go through this even once, nevermind twice. It feelscat first you really just can’t go on. The pain never stops, but little by little you will find moments you smile. Just be there for your husband, and most importantly yourself. Here if you need to talk

T’ara Hill

October 21, 2016 at 9:27 pm

i definitely feel your pain my son was born stillborn 3/7/2016 and i went through the whole pregnancy fearing that something was going to happen to him and when i went to prep for delivery he had no heartbeat, devastation takes over and i don’t know how i am ever going to accept the fact that he died because its so hard and then everyone else around me is able to have their kids with no problem i still want to know why but i will probably never know the answer

Valerie

April 5, 2017 at 11:09 am

i definitely feel your pain, I’ve had a total of 3 pregnancies and 3 losses. My first lost was a miscarriage at 9 weeks,(April 9 2013) i had just found out i was pregnant and i figured that it happen because i had a heavy labor job and that put strain in my body. We decide to try again and felt pregnant again July 2013 to my surprise i was expecting twins, everything seemed to be going well, on my 19th week ultrasound i found out i was expecting boys, but strangely that day i felt something was wrong but the DR. just seemed not to care that I had a strange feeling he said it was just my nerves, that night i started having pains i went to the emergency room, to be on hold for hours- by then i had started to have dilate (i was aware of that) then i seen a strange liquid come out of me and my water had broke, an emergency nurse checked the babies they still had a heart beat, the Dr. came in and when she inserted her finger in me, she finished popping both bags, my heart broke in the stop i knew i was only 19 weeks and they wouldn’t survive, that night i went into labor at 4am i had delivered my twins – I was just told things happen. I followed up 2 weeks later and the DR just said the same things like this happen all the time, but i fell to realize i had a short cervix and it needed to be stitched. i grieved their lost for 3 years i went into a depression, quit my job and shut down from the world. until i tried again on July 2016, i was expecting a baby girl i was so excited and i just thought it can’t happen again, the Dr i was seeing was saying everything was OK, but no ultrasound was done until 20 weeks when i found out the gender, my cervix had opened and i was scheduled for a emergency cervical cerglage and send to a different DR. they had to put a needle in my stomach through the bag to make sure their was no infection and their wasn’t, so we proceeded i thought ”i i should be okay from now on, we did everything we could, the worst thing that could happen is to have a preemie baby , but i was wrong at 24 weeks and 4 days my world crushed once again the night before going to the DR i felt strange but i though it might just be regular symptoms, but i woke up in pain, contractions had started, we headed to the ER where i got my cerglage and i thought i’m delivering early, but when they did an ultrasound no heat beat was found, i had lost my baby over night and i didn’t know it. they removed my stitch and a few hours later at 316 pm i delivered my daughter naturally she was still born Dec 22 2016 she passed away and i felt like i should have known guilt build up in me right away. I lost a lot of blood and my heart rate had raced up, the DR suspected i had antiphospholipid (it’s a strange distorter that causes blood clots) i had mine in my lungs and they had developed around my babies placenta causing it to abrupt. it’s a rare condition but DR don’t test for it until you have already lost 3 or more pregnancies. The only treatments for this is taking baby aspirin before getting pregnant, and while your pregnant, and in some cases after as well, also its best to start blood thinner treatment before getting pregnant or seeing your DR right away, i’m not saying its going to be easy but it’s something else we can try to prevent another loss, i recommend you get tested for this syndrome, and it don’t hurt to start the baby aspirin, i haven’t stopped taking them since i was told, and of course your vitamins. I hope one day you have a happy ending, i know i hope i do one day. and your not alone, i know it’s hard to grief and to understand why you. And i know not everyone will understand or want to talk about it.

Jordyn

April 7, 2017 at 6:21 pm

Hey Danielle, we just got through with my little nieces funeral. I’m trying to search the Internet for a book or something to help my sister in law get through her pain and I came across your story and her story is IDENTICAL to yours! She had a miscarriage early with her first pregnancy and was devastated they tried and tried for another one to help with the pain and they were so happy when they found out they were pregnant again. They found out they were having a little girl they named her River! They also found our River had a few problems a long the way but they were very hopeful. We all prayed as a family and a community! Unfortunately at her 24 week check up they found out their baby girl had died. Umbilical cord accident. It was devastating for us all, she had to deliver her andwe all got to hold her…I have never been to a more painful funeral. Anyways, if you have any advice or any book or absolutely anything you think that can help her through this loss would be very helpful. I am so sorry for your loss as well. Thank you and God bless

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