Erin’s Story

I want my story to be a story of hope and not sadness. In January 2012 my husband and I decided that we would like to start a family or at least stop trying to prevent starting a family. We did all the right things. We went to the doctor to get checked out to make sure we were both healthy. That May we found out we were pregnant with a home pregnancy test, but I still was in disbelief. So I made a doctors appointment and they calculated that I was about 8-9 weeks along. So we made an appointment for an ultrasound in 2 weeks. My husband could not keep his mouth shut even though I was not ready to tell everyone. Well about a week later I started to spot which the doctor reassured me was normal so I went on with life. I still felt uneasy.

The Friday before my ultrasound I started having bleeding like a normal period and passed a big clot which I now know was the egg and sac. I knew I had a miscarriage and called the doctor. I had done my research so I knew there was nothing they could do. The doctor told me I could come in that day or wait for my ultrasound. I choose to wait. The appointment came and even though I knew I had lost the baby I was really nervous for the appointment. So the ultrasound tech could not see anything and told me that I had already passed everything and that I looked healthy and should not have any problems. I had what they called an easy miscarriage. So I guess I was lucky but I felt so lost.

My doctor explained that this happens about 30% of the time and that it should not stop us from having a family. I was devastated and I could see the sadness in my husband’s eyes. They told us to wait 3 months before trying again. I thought try again, that was funny I tried and failed. I don’t want to try again. So after the heartbreak of telling everyone, I started to hear about everyone else’s stories and how common this really was. The stories made me feel like I was part of the community. I make this sound easy but it was not I cried every night and kept thinking why me and what could I have done different. I know I didn’t cause this, but my body did. What made it worse is you have to go get blood work done every 2 days until your levels are normal again. So you get reminded of it over and over.

My husband was lost on what to do. He was grieving and didn’t know how to help me. I keep thinking I don’t want kids and I was not going to try anymore. My husband was going to support with whatever decision I made even though he wanted kids. So in the next week my husband and I resumed normal activity including sex. We used protection because even if we wanted kids the doctor said to wait 3 months. Well days got easier and the miscarriage never left my thoughts completely but was not constant anymore. About 2 months had passed and I had not gotten my period back so I made an appointment to see the doctor just to make sure I was ok. So the thoughts of the miscarriage reemerged.

So I go to the doctor and I get asked all these questions and then they said just to see let’s do a pregnancy test to see. I thought are you crazy we used protection. Well protection is not 100% and I now know that. I was 2 months pregnant. This is crazy I kept thinking. I thought they were wrong and it was just my hormones from the miscarriage. So I got scheduled for an ultrasound the next day. My husband thought I was joking when I told him. The next day we went in for the ultrasound and there was a baby with a heartbeat. So I got pregnant the week after my miscarriage. I didn’t know how to react I was excited and scared all at the same time.

So this is where my story of hope began. God does have a plan and my plan included a daughter. Let me tell you though I worried about a miscarriage through out my whole pregnancy including my delivery day even though it is not called a miscarriage then. I counted kicks like crazy and counted down minutes until the doctors appointment to hear the heartbeat. But I am overjoyed to say we have our hope and her name is Giuliana Renae and she was born March 21. Her name means youthful reborn. Everything in my life was reborn that day: My hope in life, my faith in God and my happiness. So take my story as a sign of hope and things do get better.

Tulsa, OK
Published 6/3/13

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