I never thought I’d be writing this again. It’s not easy to write about or to face and I wanted to write it towards the beginning of our healing process while my feelings were very fresh and real.
We got pregnant by accident. I had misread my ovulation calendar and the next morning I looked at my husband I said, “you know how I told you that we were good to go? Well…I read it wrong and I was ovulating!” Sure enough roughly 3-4 weeks after we did the deed I took a test and I was pregnant. I went in at 6 weeks for an ultrasound to see how things were going. Because of my history (I have had two other miscarriages prior to this one) they wanted to make sure things were progressing ok. The baby was on track and the heartbeat was 124 and my due date was set for February 24. We were over joyed to see that baby and its heartbeat. Surprisingly we were beyond excited to have another baby even though we said we were done.
At 9 weeks I went to the ER because I was having intense stomach pain and I remember thinking, “oh Lord please not again.” The baby was great and looked great with a heartbeat of 175!! What a relief! None of our babies have ever had a heartbeat that high! I scheduled my 10 week appointment the next week and I was measuring on track. My doctor had a hard time finding the heartbeat due my tilted uterus. After he lifted my uterus he was able to locate the heartbeat and it was still a beautiful 175. He looked at me overjoyed and told me that my chances of miscarriage were slim especially with a strong heartbeat at 10 weeks!
My entire pregnancy I was insanely sick. For 2 months straight I could barely get out of bed, I had awful 24/7 nausea that debilitated me. I could clean maybe one room a day and barely cook dinner. My husband for the first 8 weeks took over as much as he could. Towards 9 or 10 weeks I started to feel a bit more normal during the day and started to do more, but was still sick at night. It was by far the worst pregnancy I’ve had sickness wise. But EVERYONE, even my doctor, said that it was a blessing I was so sick because it meant my hormones and body were doing things right and I had a healthy baby in there.
Around 12 weeks I started having some cramping. Nothing serious at all and I didn’t have any bad feelings. I figured it was normal uterine cramping but figured I should see my doctor “just in case.” I went in on August 18 and saw the Physician’s Assistant because my doctor was out. She was unable to locate the heartbeat and the doctor who was in the office that day tried to find it but couldn’t. He said with my history I needed an ultrasound. Even with all of that I still had zero bad feelings. I had been praying to the Lord since the beginning, I had been insanely sick and the baby’s heartbeat was so strong. I felt confident that I was carrying a healthy baby.
The ultrasound tech came and got me. I couldn’t look at the screen that was on the wall in front of me so I looked to the side. Within a minute I knew something was wrong. The tech didn’t ask me if I wanted to see the baby’s heartbeat, it was just pure silence. My heart rate started to increase and my anxiety started to kick in. I finally was brave enough to take a quick glance at the screen and I saw our perfect little baby sleeping so peacefully but with no heartbeat. I looked away and in my mind I thought, “maybe she is just taking a quick picture and I caught a still screen shot of the baby.” So I looked again and the truth hit me, we had lost yet another baby. No tears left my eyes, I just waited for the ultrasound tech to confirm my greatest fear. She quietly said, “You are currently 12 weeks and 6 days, the baby is measuring at 12 weeks.” In my head for a brief moment I thought “ok so that’s not bad…we were just off on the due date.” I still did not want to face those words that I knew were coming. She paused and said, “Unfortunately, there is no heartbeat.”
Tears instantly fell from my eyes and I couldn’t control my crying. I was alone because my husband couldn’t get off of work and I didn’t want the comfort of the technician. My world had come crashing down within a 5 minute period. I can’t describe the feeling when you look up at your baby and it looks so perfect but there is no heartbeat to complete that perfection. That beautiful baby is just resting peacefully and is in the arms of God.
I asked if I could speak with my doctor but wasn’t able to so she set up an appointment to see him the next day. She asked over and over again if I was ok, if she could do something for me. I felt bad because I probably seemed really cold, but all I wanted to do was run out of the room and call my husband and go pick up my kids. I did not want to stay in that little room any longer. Happiness did not exist in that room. She asked if she could give me a hug which I said yes to and I cried more. I thanked her and left.
As I was leaving I held the door for an elderly old lady even though I was in tears, she thanked me and with a quivering voice I said “you’re welcome.” To my surprise my sister-in-law, who is also pregnant and sees the same doctor, was getting out of her car. I didn’t mean it in a bad way, but out loud I said, “oh shit” and quickly put on my sunglasses. She saw me from across the parking lot and I just shook my head no and burst into tears again. She was just as shocked as I was and couldn’t believe it had happened for a third time.
I called my husband and then went and told my mom and then my friend Liz. I picked up our kids and met my husband at home. We cried together and just talked about how shocked we were. It all felt like a dream. I prayed and asked God to please help me get through this. He has a funny way of helping you through things. That night while we were watching t.v. Evie, our oldest, came downstairs with her stars that shine on the ceiling and turned off all of the lights and sang us a song and danced. We laughed and I was so thankful for that laughter.
The next morning we met with my doctor. He hugged me and told me that how sorry he was. He stated that he was sad and angry that it happened again and was also shocked because he didn’t see it coming. Every time I cried his eyes welled up with tears. We discussed options and I decided on a D&C once again. I hate the procedure but for me it makes the most sense because I wouldn’t be able to handle a natural birth…I just know it.
That night I cried. I cried out of fear and I cried out of the reality of things. It’s the most awful feeling to know that you are going to admit yourself into a hospital to have them take your baby out of your womb. It’s gut wrenching.
I checked into the hospital on Thursday, August 20 at roughly 1:00 p.m. It was rushed and they apologized for rushing me but thanked me for being willing to come in earlier than expected due to a schedule change. I had read bible verses before we left and while at the hospital so I was more at peace. I cried as I dressed into my hospital gown knowing what was about to happen. My husband hugged me and told me it would be ok. They hooked up my IVs and gave me medicine to make me feel good as they rolled me away. My husband kissed me on the forehead and I grabbed his hand and we said “I love you.” I was then rolled off toward what I knew was the official end of being pregnant.
I had met the doctor two days prior and he came out to say hello when we checked in at the hospital. He greeted me in the operating room with a smile and as they put the mask on me, he held my hand and I drifted off to sleep. I woke up to nice older lady and I asked if everything went well. I was officially no longer pregnant, our little baby was no longer part of me.
The doctor had told my husband the surgery went great, I lost little blood and they were able to collect tissue and it would be sent off for genetic testing. I was so thankful for the surgery going so smoothly and for the comfort of the doctor as well as my husband.
This morning, the day after surgery, I woke up and walked into the bathroom and lifted up my shirt. My baby belly was gone. It was half the size it was before. That awesome baby belly that I said popped out really quickly but I loved it was officially gone. It was a hard thing to face this morning. I miss that baby and I miss being pregnant, I didn’t think it was going to be taken away from us again.
Life is going to be a little rough. I’m an emotional person and deal with loss well, but emotionally. My body has to physically heal from the surgery. It takes about 1 or 2 weeks for the cramping from both the medicine (it shrinks my uterus) and from the surgery to go away and it takes about a full month for the bleeding to stop. It is NOT a pleasant experience. But even with this rough road ahead I am thankful that I was able to carry that baby for those 13 weeks, I am thankful for a supportive husband and our family and friends, and I am thankful for our 2 daughters that make the process a little easier by making us smile.
Miscarriage is hard, end of story. But I have chosen to be very open about my miscarriages and the journey in hope that I can help other women who are experiencing the same thing. If you feel alone please feel free to reach out to me.
Since Katie submitted her story, she has provided this update:
We recently we received our blood work results back from the DNA and chromosome results. Nothing at all was wrong with the baby and we found out that we lost a baby girl. It’s been very hard accepting the fact that my body got rid of a perfectly healthy baby. The guilt has been hard to deal with. I also had other blood tests done last week and those came back normal, so we cannot figure out what is happening because everything has come back normal both with me and with the baby. This has been the hardest miscarriage out of the three. I recently started seeing a therapist to help me sort through my feelings and really work towards becoming more positive and to work on accepting what happened.