After two years of trying to get pregnant, my husband and I were ecstatic when my monthly pregnancy test actually turned out positive! I couldn’t believe it. We were over the moon excited.
Around 8 weeks pregnant I started to have what felt like braxton hicks contractions. I know because I have had 3 other children. One evening they were close together, and I remember being worried because I thought that if I were full term, I would think things were starting to happen. I went to bed with a pit in my stomach. The contractions stopped. A couple of days later I had my first ultrasound, at 9 weeks and 2 days. My baby had a heartbeat! My nerves were settled. I went on to have what felt like a normal, nauseating 1st trimester.
My 13 week appointment came, and I was anxious to hear my baby’s heartbeat again. The doctor was unable to find the heartbeat. Just to be safe we did a bedside ultrasound. There on the screen, I saw my baby laying still near the bottom of my uterus. Motionless. No heart beating like the last time I saw him or her. I knew. I remember everything so vividly but I can’t bring myself to say much. The pain was so deep. I sobbed on the phone as I told my husband what had happened. He came to be with me while the radiologist confirmed. Our baby had stopped developing at 9 weeks and 3 days, the day after our first ultrasound.
My body didn’t recognize the miscarriage. This is called a missed miscarriage. I had heard of if before, hoping it would never happen to me. That evening I inserted a cervix softener prescribed by my doctor to start the miscarriage. I went to bed with a large pad and underwear, prepared to experience what I had once before. I awoke at 2:30 am with painful cramping. I was feeling so much emotional and physical pain, yet feeling an intense love from Heavenly Father. Moments later I felt the first little bit come out of me. When I pulled down my pants to sit on the toilet, right there on my pad was my precious little baby, about the size of a circus peanut. His or her head, arms and legs were visible. I feel so blessed that I was able to see my baby. I awoke my husband to be with me so I wasn’t alone. Together we admired our baby and embraced.
The days following were a mixture of peace, heartache, heavy grief, numbness, anger, physical emptiness, and some good days scattered throughout. The pain is still present. I have not fully recovered yet, and I’m not sure I ever will.