Lilly’s Story

lilly-bFive years ago I lost my second baby boy, the causes were domestic violence and he was 35 weeks when he was born. He was premature and his lungs weren’t totally developed so he had breathing problems besides he wasn’t well taken care of. There were too many things that didn’t help my baby survive, complications and then septic shock that was fatal on my son.

Three days he was fighting without seeing me. We were separated, I was recovering and he was fighting for his life. I spent only 2 and a half hours beside him and that night was the last time I saw my baby boy moving and he heard my voice.

We went home and the next day he was gone and nobody told us anything until late afternoon. I was irate, furious, so sad, and nobody could understand the pain I was going through. Everybody told me he was gone and I had another to take care of, to stop mourning, crying for the little one that was not meant to be here. Those words cut my soul and tore my inside. Five years since he left and there’s still too much pain inside me. I feel I failed my son, I couldn’t save him or do something to help him……

-Lilly Bleu
Portland, OR
Published 12/5/16


  1. I too am very sorry to hear of your loss. I’ve been in a verbally abusive marriage – it started 3 years after we were married. It took me a couple of months to leave because I knew it would escalate. Leaving is hard and nobody can tell you when, where or why to leave. I want you to find confidence and the inner strength to try to be safe.

    I miscarried at 22 weeks 13 years ago and it hurts to this day. It was a prior relationship. I had lots of issues health wise and to this day I feel if I had only been at a hospital with a NICU department- things may have been better and he may have survived. He was already so big. I was able to hold him after the miscarriage and he is meant to be here. You have a choice to make. I know it is hard, but you owe it to yourself to be safe and seek a partner. A partner free from any harm to you or your baby. You can still be a Mom!! Just do not put your babies through the loss of losing their Mommy. They deserve more than the abuse to them and it’s our jobs as Moms to keep them from any harm the moment we know of our pregnancy. You are not alone – not in your pain. We all support you!!

    Only the best,


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