I have had 2 miscarriages, 5 months apart. The first one in July 2016 was expected after our first ultrasound revealed that baby was a week behind with a low heartbeat. I miscarried 2 weeks later.
My most recent one, in December 2016, was unexpected. We had our first ultrasound, baby was right on time for growth – 8 weeks 3 days. On the money. I went on another 4 weeks sick to my stomach, started showing, and thought I even felt my first flutters. We got home from our Thanksgiving holiday at my brother’s house and I started bleeding. I had been spotting on the trip back, but I figured pink spotting was normal. Tuesday night I started bleeding and felt something wasn’t right. We went to the emergency room. I had an ultrasound and I knew then something was wrong. The tech didn’t say one word to me while doing the ultrasound. We waited another 3 hours before the ER doctor came to us and told us that there was no heartbeat found, and baby had stopped growing at 8 weeks 6 days.
My world shattered. The “why me?” questions started, the anger poured in. I carried my dead baby for 4 weeks before my body realized something was wrong. I had all the symptoms, I had a bump. I felt betrayed and now I feel like something is wrong with me. How could my perfect baby stop growing so suddenly when the ultrasound 3 days before showed a healthy growing baby? My anger and sadness comes and goes and I’m slightly bitter when I see the belly pictures of my friends who are also pregnant. My fiance has tried to comfort me, but I get a bit angry when I’m upset and he asks me why I’m upset.
I know I’ll be okay, but this one is going to take longer for me to “get over.” My fiance said he’s ready to start trying again whenever I’m ready, but I am terrified to try again and go through a third miscarriage. I don’t know if I am emotionally or mentally prepared for it – although you never are prepared for it, emotionally, mentally, or physically. I feel like before I think of trying again, I need medical reassurance that there is nothing wrong with me. My main goal now is to cope and go through my grieving, but it’s hard since it comes and goes. Take it a day at a time. That’s the best I can do.
Little Rock, AR