As Time Moves On
I took my kids to spend Easter at my parents’ house. It was quite the adventure flying cross country with a two year old and four month old in tow. My parents hadn’t met my four month old yet, so the travel was worth it. We enjoyed our time together and there were lots of snuggling and spoiling the grandchildren. It was good to sit back and watch these relationships develop.
At the same time, I kept thinking back to the first three babies. My 2nd and 3rd losses were in March and April, so this time of year leads to a lot of reflection about those three anyway. Being with my children and my parents really made me sad about the missed opportunities. No grandchildren to spoil, no snuggles, no pictures or video to look back on. It’s been five years since my last loss, but the missing moments are still felt.
I don’t have to deal with the constant overpowering ache that was so heavy right after my losses. My days are full of purpose and joy, and I think we need that as life moves on. I’ve come to terms with it and time creating ever bigger spaces between me and my lost children. But, the holes are still there. I’m very aware of the memories I’m not making and will never have with those children. It makes moments like this past Easter bittersweet. For me that’s ok, because it’s a confirmation that I’ve moved forward without forgetting them.