Category Archives: Amanda

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Goodbye December

December is always such a hard month for me. It has so many painful memories and milestones in it, but it is also filled with so much joy and happiness.

It all started in 2013 when we found out we were pregnant and our first child would be born in Dec 2013. After only 5 weeks this pregnancy ended with a natural miscarriage and we were heartbroken. After a few months we tried again and shorty found out we were pregnant again. We were nervous but excited.

After seeing baby with a heartbeat 3 times and being 12 weeks pregnant we were so relieved and announced to the world that we were expecting a bundle of joy in May of 2014. Just after 15 weeks, on Dec 6, 2013, we found out that our baby no longer had a heartbeat, and I required a D&C as my body was not getting the message that I had a missed miscarriage.

After those two losses December just felt like a lonely time for me. Everyone else has always been happy and so excited for the holidays coming up, while I just wanted to have our 2 babies in our arms.

A few years later we found out that we were pregnant and we were due on December 20, 2016. I had so much anxiety about a December due date, let alone one so close to Christmas – what if something happened again, would I ever be able to get through December again?

Thankfully our daughter was born in December 24 and was just perfect (she still is). I still have the heartache of our losses every December, but now they are accompanied by the joy that I see in my daughter’s eyes.

I will forever be grateful that she is here with us and that December has some happiness back in it.

This December we have even more joy and happiness as we continue to expand our family with our next little one who is due in May next year. I am currently 21 weeks pregnant.

Category : Amanda , Volunteer Bloggers

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Last month we went through another milestone in our loss journey. It was the due date of our 7th loss.

At first I didn’t think it would bother me so much, but it still did. It’s been over 6 1/2 years since our first lost and every loss still hurts just as much.

This month as we remember all of the babies who have passed on before we got to hold them, I also think about how lucky I am to have our daughter here with us. She is our little miracle. When I look at her I remember the joy and pride I felt the first time I held her in my arms.

One day we will get to do that again. We will have another child. We will remain hopeful.

Category : Amanda , Volunteer Bloggers

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Due dates

Our most recent due date is next month, in September. Even though it is our due date for our 7th loss it still seems to be hitting me hard.

The closer September gets the more emotional I get. Sigh… I wish I could say that it gets easier but the due date is hard no matter how many losses you’ve had.

Each new due date that passes is hard and it’s so hard to explain to others who keep saying things like “why do you get so sad about due dates?” and “Aren’t you used to it by now?”

I can say without a doubt that comments like this are not helpful, they hurt just as much as people ignoring your losses.

Please remember that people who have had repeated losses still can get sad and emotional about holidays, due dates, and other big days.

Category : Amanda , Volunteer Bloggers

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When do you…?

After all these years of wanting multiple children when do you make the decision to stop trying?

When do you make the decision that you can not go through another loss?

When do you make the decision to not give your child a sibling when you know what they will be missing?

When do you make that call?

Where do you choose to draw that line?

Will we ever be okay with the concept of having an only child?

These are are the questions I ask myself regularly. For now I don’t have any answers to these questions.

We told ourselves a few years ago that we would never put ourselves through the struggles of trying for another child like we did with our daughter. But now that we are there and figuring out what we are going to do I feel torn. Torn because I don’t want to stop trying but every loss tears a piece of us away. How much more do we have to give before it’s too late?

So many questions and so few answers. One day the answers will come, but today we will put the questions away for another day.

Category : Amanda , Volunteer Bloggers

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The miracle that once was

This month is 6 years since our first loss and sadly it’s also just under 2 months since our most recent loss.

February of this year marked our 7th loss.

After having our daughter in December of 2016 we waited just over 18 months before we decided that we wanted to start trying for a sibling for her. Since then we have gone through 2 more losses. During both of these pregnancies I was back on blood thinner injections daily. This was the miracle that allowed me to carry our daughter to term, but now it’s no longer our miracle. We are back to doing more tests and trying to figure out what we can do moving forward to possibly have another child. Or do we make the decision to stop now and move forward from this phase in our life.

So many hard decisions moving forward. But we will get through this like we always have in the past. There will be an end to this sadness, the sun will shine through.

Category : Amanda , Volunteer Bloggers

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5 things I’ve learned through this process

1. I am a lot stronger than I believe that I am

When I look back and realize everything that we have been through I realize that the strength that I have, that has allowed me to keep my head above water, is amazing. I am so much stronger than I ever give myself credit for.

2. That my relationship with my husband is amazing

We have been through so much together in the last 6 years, and I feel like our first few losses helped pave the way through everything for us. Our losses have made us a much stronger couple, a couple capable of coming together in times of need, and knowing when to lean on the other to help us to keep standing.

3. Sometimes waiting is worth it

I have no idea how different our lives would be if our other children survived, but I do know that we are so very lucky to have our daughter. She is our little miracle. She is so full of smiles, love and laughter. She was worth the wait.

4. Losses are so common

It seems like once you admit out loud to family and friends that you have had a loss everyone has either had a loss themselves or know someone who has had a loss. I still don’t understand why people refuse to talk about it.

5. Every loss is unique in it’s own way.

No matter if you’re 5 weeks along or 40 weeks, you still are experiencing a loss. We have had losses from 5 weeks up until 15 weeks and almost everywhere in between. Just because a loss is early doesn’t take away from the fact that it is still a loss.

Category : Amanda , Volunteer Bloggers

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As the holidays come to a close I am looking back on this year with our daughter and I think how different our lives would be if we had more than just one child here on earth.

If all of our babies were here we would have a full house, in which we would be tripping over children everywhere. Our home would be filled with even more stuff then it already is. But it would be a good full house.

As we move into the new year we are filled with hope and love for our friends and family.

December has so many sad memories for me but it also is a month of joy and happiness.

I hope that everyone out there who is grieving over their babies that they have lost, their troubles getting pregnant or the happiness of having your baby here on earth had a great holidays and a happy new year.



Category : Amanda , Volunteer Bloggers


If you've come to this blog, it likely means you have suffered a pregnancy loss of some type. We are so sorry you have found yourself here, but hope the stories of life after loss can help you on your road to healing and recovery. Remember, we are all in this together!

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