Category Archives: Amanda

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Remembering

Last month we went through another milestone in our loss journey. It was the due date of our 7th loss.

At first I didn’t think it would bother me so much, but it still did. It’s been over 6 1/2 years since our first lost and every loss still hurts just as much.

This month as we remember all of the babies who have passed on before we got to hold them, I also think about how lucky I am to have our daughter here with us. She is our little miracle. When I look at her I remember the joy and pride I felt the first time I held her in my arms.

One day we will get to do that again. We will have another child. We will remain hopeful.

Category : Amanda , Volunteer Bloggers


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Due dates

Our most recent due date is next month, in September. Even though it is our due date for our 7th loss it still seems to be hitting me hard.

The closer September gets the more emotional I get. Sigh… I wish I could say that it gets easier but the due date is hard no matter how many losses you’ve had.

Each new due date that passes is hard and it’s so hard to explain to others who keep saying things like “why do you get so sad about due dates?” and “Aren’t you used to it by now?”

I can say without a doubt that comments like this are not helpful, they hurt just as much as people ignoring your losses.

Please remember that people who have had repeated losses still can get sad and emotional about holidays, due dates, and other big days.

Category : Amanda , Volunteer Bloggers


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When do you…?

After all these years of wanting multiple children when do you make the decision to stop trying?

When do you make the decision that you can not go through another loss?

When do you make the decision to not give your child a sibling when you know what they will be missing?

When do you make that call?

Where do you choose to draw that line?

Will we ever be okay with the concept of having an only child?

These are are the questions I ask myself regularly. For now I don’t have any answers to these questions.

We told ourselves a few years ago that we would never put ourselves through the struggles of trying for another child like we did with our daughter. But now that we are there and figuring out what we are going to do I feel torn. Torn because I don’t want to stop trying but every loss tears a piece of us away. How much more do we have to give before it’s too late?

So many questions and so few answers. One day the answers will come, but today we will put the questions away for another day.

Category : Amanda , Volunteer Bloggers


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The miracle that once was

This month is 6 years since our first loss and sadly it’s also just under 2 months since our most recent loss.

February of this year marked our 7th loss.

After having our daughter in December of 2016 we waited just over 18 months before we decided that we wanted to start trying for a sibling for her. Since then we have gone through 2 more losses. During both of these pregnancies I was back on blood thinner injections daily. This was the miracle that allowed me to carry our daughter to term, but now it’s no longer our miracle. We are back to doing more tests and trying to figure out what we can do moving forward to possibly have another child. Or do we make the decision to stop now and move forward from this phase in our life.

So many hard decisions moving forward. But we will get through this like we always have in the past. There will be an end to this sadness, the sun will shine through.

Category : Amanda , Volunteer Bloggers


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5 things I’ve learned through this process

1. I am a lot stronger than I believe that I am

When I look back and realize everything that we have been through I realize that the strength that I have, that has allowed me to keep my head above water, is amazing. I am so much stronger than I ever give myself credit for.

2. That my relationship with my husband is amazing

We have been through so much together in the last 6 years, and I feel like our first few losses helped pave the way through everything for us. Our losses have made us a much stronger couple, a couple capable of coming together in times of need, and knowing when to lean on the other to help us to keep standing.

3. Sometimes waiting is worth it

I have no idea how different our lives would be if our other children survived, but I do know that we are so very lucky to have our daughter. She is our little miracle. She is so full of smiles, love and laughter. She was worth the wait.

4. Losses are so common

It seems like once you admit out loud to family and friends that you have had a loss everyone has either had a loss themselves or know someone who has had a loss. I still don’t understand why people refuse to talk about it.

5. Every loss is unique in it’s own way.

No matter if you’re 5 weeks along or 40 weeks, you still are experiencing a loss. We have had losses from 5 weeks up until 15 weeks and almost everywhere in between. Just because a loss is early doesn’t take away from the fact that it is still a loss.

Category : Amanda , Volunteer Bloggers


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Holidays

As the holidays come to a close I am looking back on this year with our daughter and I think how different our lives would be if we had more than just one child here on earth.

If all of our babies were here we would have a full house, in which we would be tripping over children everywhere. Our home would be filled with even more stuff then it already is. But it would be a good full house.

As we move into the new year we are filled with hope and love for our friends and family.

December has so many sad memories for me but it also is a month of joy and happiness.

I hope that everyone out there who is grieving over their babies that they have lost, their troubles getting pregnant or the happiness of having your baby here on earth had a great holidays and a happy new year.

 

 

Category : Amanda , Volunteer Bloggers


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I will never forget…

As this month is pregnancy loss awareness month I have been thinking a lot about our losses and how others sometimes seem to have forgotten that we have been through so much in order to have our daughter. 

I will never forget that my first positive pregnancy test ended in a loss only a few weeks later. 

I will never forget the moment when the ultrasound tech turned the screen away from us and told us she needed to get the doctor, after we had already seen our little one’s heartbeat twice.

I will never forget the moment that I started having cramps then bleeding while I was volunteering for a local charity.

I will never forget the moment when the ultrasound tech told us everything looked great and we were 6 weeks along, after being told we were 6 weeks along 3 weeks prior. 

I will never forget when I sat at Thanksgiving dinner knowing that our pregnancy was probably over but we had to wait until after the long weekend to have a second ultrasound to confirm our baby was not going to make it. 

I will never forget when I woke up in the middle the night with cramps and a few days later I was bleeding and knew it was the end of our 5th pregnancy. 

I remember all of those days like it was just yesterday. 

But as much as I remember all those bad days I also remember all the good ones that followed with my 6th pregnancy. 

I remember the day we saw her heart beat for the first time, the day we were told that all her genetic testing was normal, the day that I felt her kicks for the first time, the day that I could see her move for the first time, and the day that we first got to hold her and all of the days in between. 

We will never forget all that we have been through in order to have our daughter, we will never forget all of our other babies. 

Category : Amanda , Volunteer Bloggers


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If you've come to this blog, it likely means you have suffered a pregnancy loss of some type. We are so sorry you have found yourself here, but hope the stories of life after loss can help you on your road to healing and recovery. Remember, we are all in this together!

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