Category Archives: Amanda

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The miracle that once was

This month is 6 years since our first loss and sadly it’s also just under 2 months since our most recent loss.

February of this year marked our 7th loss.

After having our daughter in December of 2016 we waited just over 18 months before we decided that we wanted to start trying for a sibling for her. Since then we have gone through 2 more losses. During both of these pregnancies I was back on blood thinner injections daily. This was the miracle that allowed me to carry our daughter to term, but now it’s no longer our miracle. We are back to doing more tests and trying to figure out what we can do moving forward to possibly have another child. Or do we make the decision to stop now and move forward from this phase in our life.

So many hard decisions moving forward. But we will get through this like we always have in the past. There will be an end to this sadness, the sun will shine through.

Category : Amanda , Volunteer Bloggers

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5 things I’ve learned through this process

1. I am a lot stronger than I believe that I am

When I look back and realize everything that we have been through I realize that the strength that I have, that has allowed me to keep my head above water, is amazing. I am so much stronger than I ever give myself credit for.

2. That my relationship with my husband is amazing

We have been through so much together in the last 6 years, and I feel like our first few losses helped pave the way through everything for us. Our losses have made us a much stronger couple, a couple capable of coming together in times of need, and knowing when to lean on the other to help us to keep standing.

3. Sometimes waiting is worth it

I have no idea how different our lives would be if our other children survived, but I do know that we are so very lucky to have our daughter. She is our little miracle. She is so full of smiles, love and laughter. She was worth the wait.

4. Losses are so common

It seems like once you admit out loud to family and friends that you have had a loss everyone has either had a loss themselves or know someone who has had a loss. I still don’t understand why people refuse to talk about it.

5. Every loss is unique in it’s own way.

No matter if you’re 5 weeks along or 40 weeks, you still are experiencing a loss. We have had losses from 5 weeks up until 15 weeks and almost everywhere in between. Just because a loss is early doesn’t take away from the fact that it is still a loss.

Category : Amanda , Volunteer Bloggers

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As the holidays come to a close I am looking back on this year with our daughter and I think how different our lives would be if we had more than just one child here on earth.

If all of our babies were here we would have a full house, in which we would be tripping over children everywhere. Our home would be filled with even more stuff then it already is. But it would be a good full house.

As we move into the new year we are filled with hope and love for our friends and family.

December has so many sad memories for me but it also is a month of joy and happiness.

I hope that everyone out there who is grieving over their babies that they have lost, their troubles getting pregnant or the happiness of having your baby here on earth had a great holidays and a happy new year.



Category : Amanda , Volunteer Bloggers

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I will never forget…

As this month is pregnancy loss awareness month I have been thinking a lot about our losses and how others sometimes seem to have forgotten that we have been through so much in order to have our daughter. 

I will never forget that my first positive pregnancy test ended in a loss only a few weeks later. 

I will never forget the moment when the ultrasound tech turned the screen away from us and told us she needed to get the doctor, after we had already seen our little one’s heartbeat twice.

I will never forget the moment that I started having cramps then bleeding while I was volunteering for a local charity.

I will never forget the moment when the ultrasound tech told us everything looked great and we were 6 weeks along, after being told we were 6 weeks along 3 weeks prior. 

I will never forget when I sat at Thanksgiving dinner knowing that our pregnancy was probably over but we had to wait until after the long weekend to have a second ultrasound to confirm our baby was not going to make it. 

I will never forget when I woke up in the middle the night with cramps and a few days later I was bleeding and knew it was the end of our 5th pregnancy. 

I remember all of those days like it was just yesterday. 

But as much as I remember all those bad days I also remember all the good ones that followed with my 6th pregnancy. 

I remember the day we saw her heart beat for the first time, the day we were told that all her genetic testing was normal, the day that I felt her kicks for the first time, the day that I could see her move for the first time, and the day that we first got to hold her and all of the days in between. 

We will never forget all that we have been through in order to have our daughter, we will never forget all of our other babies. 

Category : Amanda , Volunteer Bloggers

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A second child

I get asked regularly about more children – when are you going to have more kids? Are you going to have more kids? Won’t they be too far apart in age if you wait much longer? 

Questions like these are hard to hear. Yes we do want to have more children, at least one more, but it’s not that simple. 

When people that don’t know our journey to have our daughter I usually just say that we had a hard time conceiving her, so it’s not as easy as just wanting another baby. And I leave it at that. For people that know our story and still ask I just tell them that we have to go back to see a specialist and talk to her about the meds that I had to take last pregnancy, and the possibility of the meds working again. 

You see even though the meds helped me carry my daughter to term, they were not a cure for my losses. They were a “This might work, it helps 80% of the time it’s used for unexplained reoccurring miscarriages.” Yes that is a great percentage but I also fall into a group of couples that have multiple losses that is less then 5%, so just because the odds are in our favor doesn’t mean it will work twice. 

There is a lot to consider this time around. Can we handle another miscarriage? If we have one do we try again? How many times do you try to have another baby that we can hold and watch them grow, after you have one already? 

When we are ready we will take the steps to see what the specialist says and we will go from there. 

Category : Amanda , Volunteer Bloggers

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What could have been

Every once in a while I think of what could have been.

I think about what our life would be like if we had a 4 1/2 year old right now. Our first baby was due Dec 2013, that seems so long ago now. I wonder what our baby would have been like.

Would we have a little boy or girl?

What would they be interested in?

Would they enjoy our camping trips?

Would they be playing sports?

Would our weekends be filled with soccer fields/baseball diamonds/hockey rinks?

How would they get along with our pup?

Our life would be so different as our child would most likely be going to kindergarten this fall.

Life would be so different if our little one was older than she is now.

If all our pregnancies resulted in children here on earth we would have a 20 month, a 3, 3, 4, and a 4 1/2 year old child.

As as much as I think about this I am so thankful for my daughter and I wouldn’t change any of this if it meant I didn’t have her.

Category : Amanda , Volunteer Bloggers

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Going back to work after a loss

It’s been over 2 years since my last loss but lately I have been thinking about how hard returning back to work after a loss was.

My first loss happened before we told anyone we were pregnant so we just kept it to ourselves and no one at my work was aware of our loss. But my second loss happening at 15 weeks was harder. We announced to all of our family, friends and coworkers that we were pregnant, and shortly after that we had to tell everyone that a baby was not going to be joining us here on earth.

This loss required a D&C so I was off work for about a week to recover physically so that I could go back to work. (I work a very physically demanding job) After that week I was not really mentally ready to go back to work but I also wasn’t mentally ready to stay at home and think things through anymore.

Going back to work was hard as some people felt like they were walking on eggshells around me, and some just tried to stay as far away from me, and the topic of babies/children.

Most of my coworkers did not mention anything about our loss and at times that helped but it also made things worse. I just wanted to be able to know that my coworkers were there for me if I needed anything. The few coworkers I was close with did let me know they were there if I needed them and some helped so much in my healing process.

Category : Amanda , Volunteer Bloggers


If you’ve come to this blog, it likely means you have suffered a pregnancy loss of some type. We are so sorry you have found yourself here, but hope the stories of life after loss can help you on your road to healing and recovery. Remember, we are all in this together!

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