Category Archives: Amanda

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I will never forget…

As this month is pregnancy loss awareness month I have been thinking a lot about our losses and how others sometimes seem to have forgotten that we have been through so much in order to have our daughter. 

I will never forget that my first positive pregnancy test ended in a loss only a few weeks later. 

I will never forget the moment when the ultrasound tech turned the screen away from us and told us she needed to get the doctor, after we had already seen our little one’s heartbeat twice.

I will never forget the moment that I started having cramps then bleeding while I was volunteering for a local charity.

I will never forget the moment when the ultrasound tech told us everything looked great and we were 6 weeks along, after being told we were 6 weeks along 3 weeks prior. 

I will never forget when I sat at Thanksgiving dinner knowing that our pregnancy was probably over but we had to wait until after the long weekend to have a second ultrasound to confirm our baby was not going to make it. 

I will never forget when I woke up in the middle the night with cramps and a few days later I was bleeding and knew it was the end of our 5th pregnancy. 

I remember all of those days like it was just yesterday. 

But as much as I remember all those bad days I also remember all the good ones that followed with my 6th pregnancy. 

I remember the day we saw her heart beat for the first time, the day we were told that all her genetic testing was normal, the day that I felt her kicks for the first time, the day that I could see her move for the first time, and the day that we first got to hold her and all of the days in between. 

We will never forget all that we have been through in order to have our daughter, we will never forget all of our other babies. 

Category : Amanda , Volunteer Bloggers

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A second child

I get asked regularly about more children – when are you going to have more kids? Are you going to have more kids? Won’t they be too far apart in age if you wait much longer? 

Questions like these are hard to hear. Yes we do want to have more children, at least one more, but it’s not that simple. 

When people that don’t know our journey to have our daughter I usually just say that we had a hard time conceiving her, so it’s not as easy as just wanting another baby. And I leave it at that. For people that know our story and still ask I just tell them that we have to go back to see a specialist and talk to her about the meds that I had to take last pregnancy, and the possibility of the meds working again. 

You see even though the meds helped me carry my daughter to term, they were not a cure for my losses. They were a “This might work, it helps 80% of the time it’s used for unexplained reoccurring miscarriages.” Yes that is a great percentage but I also fall into a group of couples that have multiple losses that is less then 5%, so just because the odds are in our favor doesn’t mean it will work twice. 

There is a lot to consider this time around. Can we handle another miscarriage? If we have one do we try again? How many times do you try to have another baby that we can hold and watch them grow, after you have one already? 

When we are ready we will take the steps to see what the specialist says and we will go from there. 

Category : Amanda , Volunteer Bloggers

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What could have been

Every once in a while I think of what could have been.

I think about what our life would be like if we had a 4 1/2 year old right now. Our first baby was due Dec 2013, that seems so long ago now. I wonder what our baby would have been like.

Would we have a little boy or girl?

What would they be interested in?

Would they enjoy our camping trips?

Would they be playing sports?

Would our weekends be filled with soccer fields/baseball diamonds/hockey rinks?

How would they get along with our pup?

Our life would be so different as our child would most likely be going to kindergarten this fall.

Life would be so different if our little one was older than she is now.

If all our pregnancies resulted in children here on earth we would have a 20 month, a 3, 3, 4, and a 4 1/2 year old child.

As as much as I think about this I am so thankful for my daughter and I wouldn’t change any of this if it meant I didn’t have her.

Category : Amanda , Volunteer Bloggers

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Going back to work after a loss

It’s been over 2 years since my last loss but lately I have been thinking about how hard returning back to work after a loss was.

My first loss happened before we told anyone we were pregnant so we just kept it to ourselves and no one at my work was aware of our loss. But my second loss happening at 15 weeks was harder. We announced to all of our family, friends and coworkers that we were pregnant, and shortly after that we had to tell everyone that a baby was not going to be joining us here on earth.

This loss required a D&C so I was off work for about a week to recover physically so that I could go back to work. (I work a very physically demanding job) After that week I was not really mentally ready to go back to work but I also wasn’t mentally ready to stay at home and think things through anymore.

Going back to work was hard as some people felt like they were walking on eggshells around me, and some just tried to stay as far away from me, and the topic of babies/children.

Most of my coworkers did not mention anything about our loss and at times that helped but it also made things worse. I just wanted to be able to know that my coworkers were there for me if I needed anything. The few coworkers I was close with did let me know they were there if I needed them and some helped so much in my healing process.

Category : Amanda , Volunteer Bloggers

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A Year

As I sit here nursing my daughter to sleep I can’t believe that it’s been a year already.

Last Christmas Eve I woke up in labour and who knew that our little miracle would be born that day. It was a Christmas to celebrate for sure.

This year we got to watch as she opened her presents, more interested in the wrapping paper and the boxes things came in then the actual gifts.

Watching her grow and explore the world is amazing. It brings back a lot of hope and joy that has been lost over the years of struggling with losses.

Every milestone she hits makes me even more thankful that we have her in our life. She truly is our little miracle.

Category : Amanda , Volunteer Bloggers

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Talking about our losses with our rainbow baby

People have started to ask me how we will tell our daughter about our losses. At this moment I am not sure but I do know that I don’t want to keep it from her.

Most likely we will wait until she is older and either tell her when she can understand what having a loss means or maybe we will just talk about it and she will overhear and it will just be a normal topic in our household. We have some time to think about it before we need to make a decision either way.

If you have a rainbow baby did you tell them about your loss(es)? And if so, how did you tell them?

Category : Amanda , Volunteer Bloggers

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Loss Milestones and a Rainbow Baby

For most August is a month full of sunshine, warm days and happiness, for me it is a month of both heart break and happiness. You see three years ago August (2014) brought us our third pregnancy loss.

I was so careful not to take part in our normal summer festivities of riding our atvs, and having some drinks around the campfire. But that didn’t matter in the end, we lost our precious little one anyways.

After our third loss we tried again and it took us almost a year to conceive again. In August of 2015 we found out we were expecting again. We were over the moon with excitement but also terrified that things would go wrong again. (Our fears came true in October of that year, on Canadian Thanksgiving)

As I look back at these loss milestones coming this month I can still feel the pain and the happiness I felt on those days. One thing I have learned over the years is that time does not make the pain go away, time makes the pain easier to deal with, most days. I still have some days that I mourn for my losses and wish I could go back in time before I miscarried and be able to hold all my babies in my arms. I know I will never be able to do this but one can wish.

As I think about the memories that this month brings me I also think about the memories that we are creating with our daughter who is here with us.

As much as I want to go back and be able to hold our babies and change our past, I also don’t want to change our past as it brought us our beautiful daughter.

Category : Amanda , Volunteer Bloggers


If you've come to this blog, it likely means you have suffered a pregnancy loss of some type. We are so sorry you have found yourself here, but hope the stories of life after loss can help you on your road to healing and recovery. Remember, we are all in this together!

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