Category Archives: Amanda

Going back to work after a loss

It’s been over 2 years since my last loss but lately I have been thinking about how hard returning back to work after a loss was.

My first loss happened before we told anyone we were pregnant so we just kept it to ourselves and no one at my work was aware of our loss. But my second loss happening at 15 weeks was harder. We announced to all of our family, friends and coworkers that we were pregnant, and shortly after that we had to tell everyone that a baby was not going to be joining us here on earth.

This loss required a D&C so I was off work for about a week to recover physically so that I could go back to work. (I work a very physically demanding job) After that week I was not really mentally ready to go back to work but I also wasn’t mentally ready to stay at home and think things through anymore.

Going back to work was hard as some people felt like they were walking on eggshells around me, and some just tried to stay as far away from me, and the topic of babies/children.

Most of my coworkers did not mention anything about our loss and at times that helped but it also made things worse. I just wanted to be able to know that my coworkers were there for me if I needed anything. The few coworkers I was close with did let me know they were there if I needed them and some helped so much in my healing process.

Category : Amanda , Volunteer Bloggers

A Year

As I sit here nursing my daughter to sleep I can’t believe that it’s been a year already.

Last Christmas Eve I woke up in labour and who knew that our little miracle would be born that day. It was a Christmas to celebrate for sure.

This year we got to watch as she opened her presents, more interested in the wrapping paper and the boxes things came in then the actual gifts.

Watching her grow and explore the world is amazing. It brings back a lot of hope and joy that has been lost over the years of struggling with losses.

Every milestone she hits makes me even more thankful that we have her in our life. She truly is our little miracle.

Category : Amanda , Volunteer Bloggers

Talking about our losses with our rainbow baby

People have started to ask me how we will tell our daughter about our losses. At this moment I am not sure but I do know that I don’t want to keep it from her.

Most likely we will wait until she is older and either tell her when she can understand what having a loss means or maybe we will just talk about it and she will overhear and it will just be a normal topic in our household. We have some time to think about it before we need to make a decision either way.

If you have a rainbow baby did you tell them about your loss(es)? And if so, how did you tell them?

Category : Amanda , Volunteer Bloggers

Loss Milestones and a Rainbow Baby

For most August is a month full of sunshine, warm days and happiness, for me it is a month of both heart break and happiness. You see three years ago August (2014) brought us our third pregnancy loss.

I was so careful not to take part in our normal summer festivities of riding our atvs, and having some drinks around the campfire. But that didn’t matter in the end, we lost our precious little one anyways.

After our third loss we tried again and it took us almost a year to conceive again. In August of 2015 we found out we were expecting again. We were over the moon with excitement but also terrified that things would go wrong again. (Our fears came true in October of that year, on Canadian Thanksgiving)

As I look back at these loss milestones coming this month I can still feel the pain and the happiness I felt on those days. One thing I have learned over the years is that time does not make the pain go away, time makes the pain easier to deal with, most days. I still have some days that I mourn for my losses and wish I could go back in time before I miscarried and be able to hold all my babies in my arms. I know I will never be able to do this but one can wish.

As I think about the memories that this month brings me I also think about the memories that we are creating with our daughter who is here with us.

As much as I want to go back and be able to hold our babies and change our past, I also don’t want to change our past as it brought us our beautiful daughter.

Category : Amanda , Volunteer Bloggers

Mother’s Day

May 14th marks my 6th wedding anniversary. It also marks my first Mother’s Day with my daughter.

Although I have always felt that I have been a mother for years now I am excited to celebrate this year with my family. She will be just under 5 months old and I still look at her and wonder if it’s real. She’s mine? I still can’t believe it at times. As I write this she is laying across my lap fast asleep. She loves to lay in my arms and fall asleep, I know one day she won’t do this anymore so I am making the most of every moment of cuddles I can get.

We don’t really have plans for Mother’s Day yet, but that’s ok with me. All I want to do is hold my daughter tight and make sure she knows that she is our miracle and we love her very much.

Category : Amanda , Volunteer Bloggers

She’s here!

She is finally here.

Well she’s been here for just over 3 months. In my last post I mentioned how everything seemed so unreal, and that we were just days away from meeting our miracle rainbow baby. Our baby ended up coming 4 days late, on Christmas Eve, and she ended up being a girl. We are so excited that she is finally here.

Ever since I went into labour with her our life has changed so much, she really did turn our world upside down (but in an amazing way).

As I look back on everything we have been through over the last 4 1/2 years since we began trying to bring home our baby I realize how lucky I am. That may seem like an odd statement to make but it’s true.

I am lucky to have such an amazing husband who has truly been my rock throughout this entire process. I am lucky to have an amazing family who has supported us in every loss as well as in every joy. I am so lucky to have such amazing friends, both here with me and ones that I have met online. I am so lucky to have such amazing doctors and nurses who have helped me so much in our journey here, and for not just treating me like just another patient but a person who has feelings. I am also so lucky to now have my daughter who is laying against my chest as I write this.

As hard as the last few years have been looking down at her has made everything worth it. I would do it again in a heartbeat just to have her in my life.

She is our rainbow baby!

Category : Amanda , Volunteer Bloggers

Our Miracle Rainbow

It’s been a long time since I posted on this blog. We’ve been through so much since my last post. We have gone through more losses and more testing. All the tests continued to come back with no actual answers.

At the beginning of this year me and my husband took the 4 hour journey to see a specialist. This doctor specializes in losses, particularly reoccurring losses with no answers. She gave us a few options to choose from if we wanted to move forward with trying to have a baby.

Our choices were the following;
1. Start taking a baby aspirin daily, and continue taking it until I reached 36 weeks pregnant. (This can help if my body is clotting against the placenta and depriving baby of oxygen, not something that can be tested for in early losses.)

2. Doing fragmin injections daily (A form of heparin) This requires doing an injection every 24 hrs. I would be required to do my injection within the certain hour everyday.

After 3 1/2 years of trying to have a baby me and my husband decided on option #2. It was the harder and more expensive of the two options but at this point the specialist agreed that it would probably be our best option.

Shortly after our appointment with the specialist I found out I was pregnant again. We excitedly took this as a sign and I started taking the injections daily. Only a few days later I started to have heavy cramping and my period came. I was about 5 weeks pregnant. Another loss to put behind us. Our 5th loss.

After that we agreed to try one more time, I told my husband that I didn’t know if I could continue going through this but I so badly wanted a baby to call our own. So we were going to try one last time and see if these new meds would work.

On April 9 I took a test, I was feeling a little off and I didn’t think I was pregnant again, as I had not gotten my period back after my latest loss yet. But the test was positive. So I again started the meds and my doctor ordered blood work to check my HCG levels. They continued to rise normally and I was monitored by ultrasound every 2 weeks.

As of today, Dec 6, I am 38 weeks pregnant with our miracle rainbow baby. Most days I still have trouble believing that we have gotten to this point but here we are.

Today is also the 3 year anniversary of the day that we found out we lost our baby at 15 weeks. So many emotions this month, but whenever I feel my belly move or I can’t get comfortable I remember the miracle inside me and it makes me smile.

Category : Amanda , Volunteer Bloggers