Category Archives: Amanda

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She’s here!

She is finally here.

Well she’s been here for just over 3 months. In my last post I mentioned how everything seemed so unreal, and that we were just days away from meeting our miracle rainbow baby. Our baby ended up coming 4 days late, on Christmas Eve, and she ended up being a girl. We are so excited that she is finally here.

Ever since I went into labour with her our life has changed so much, she really did turn our world upside down (but in an amazing way).

As I look back on everything we have been through over the last 4 1/2 years since we began trying to bring home our baby I realize how lucky I am. That may seem like an odd statement to make but it’s true.

I am lucky to have such an amazing husband who has truly been my rock throughout this entire process. I am lucky to have an amazing family who has supported us in every loss as well as in every joy. I am so lucky to have such amazing friends, both here with me and ones that I have met online. I am so lucky to have such amazing doctors and nurses who have helped me so much in our journey here, and for not just treating me like just another patient but a person who has feelings. I am also so lucky to now have my daughter who is laying against my chest as I write this.

As hard as the last few years have been looking down at her has made everything worth it. I would do it again in a heartbeat just to have her in my life.

She is our rainbow baby!

Category : Amanda , Volunteer Bloggers


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Our Miracle Rainbow

It’s been a long time since I posted on this blog. We’ve been through so much since my last post. We have gone through more losses and more testing. All the tests continued to come back with no actual answers.

At the beginning of this year me and my husband took the 4 hour journey to see a specialist. This doctor specializes in losses, particularly reoccurring losses with no answers. She gave us a few options to choose from if we wanted to move forward with trying to have a baby.

Our choices were the following;
1. Start taking a baby aspirin daily, and continue taking it until I reached 36 weeks pregnant. (This can help if my body is clotting against the placenta and depriving baby of oxygen, not something that can be tested for in early losses.)

2. Doing fragmin injections daily (A form of heparin) This requires doing an injection every 24 hrs. I would be required to do my injection within the certain hour everyday.

After 3 1/2 years of trying to have a baby me and my husband decided on option #2. It was the harder and more expensive of the two options but at this point the specialist agreed that it would probably be our best option.

Shortly after our appointment with the specialist I found out I was pregnant again. We excitedly took this as a sign and I started taking the injections daily. Only a few days later I started to have heavy cramping and my period came. I was about 5 weeks pregnant. Another loss to put behind us. Our 5th loss.

After that we agreed to try one more time, I told my husband that I didn’t know if I could continue going through this but I so badly wanted a baby to call our own. So we were going to try one last time and see if these new meds would work.

On April 9 I took a test, I was feeling a little off and I didn’t think I was pregnant again, as I had not gotten my period back after my latest loss yet. But the test was positive. So I again started the meds and my doctor ordered blood work to check my HCG levels. They continued to rise normally and I was monitored by ultrasound every 2 weeks.

As of today, Dec 6, I am 38 weeks pregnant with our miracle rainbow baby. Most days I still have trouble believing that we have gotten to this point but here we are.

Today is also the 3 year anniversary of the day that we found out we lost our baby at 15 weeks. So many emotions this month, but whenever I feel my belly move or I can’t get comfortable I remember the miracle inside me and it makes me smile.

Category : Amanda , Volunteer Bloggers


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Support

Since I have had my first miscarriage I have met many women who have had losses. Some of the women have had one loss and some have had many losses.

I have become close to quite a few of these women as we have gone through things that no one should ever have to endure, and we have gone through it together.

I have found a great strength that I never knew that I had because of these many women. I have received such amazing support from so many women, one of these women is Karen. She started such an amazing organization to help women and their families. I feel very blessed to have met someone like her and her husband through my journey to try and have children.

Another woman that I have met and has stood by me through this whole process is a woman that I will hopefully get to meet next spring. She has inspired me to continue with my journey to both have children and follow my dream of running a marathon. She is currently pregnant with her little one and I can’t believe that after all that she has been through her little one will be here before the end of this year. 🙂

A few of the women that I have met are currently pregnant with their little ones, some have passed the horrible milestones of all their previous losses and some are still praying that they make it past these milestones and that these babies are their take home babies.

We are all at different stages in this process but we will continue through it together. Maybe one day we can all get together and meet each other’s children, one can only hope.

Category : Amanda , Volunteer Bloggers


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All over again

I haven’t written a post in a while and I have been absent here because at the end of June I found out I was pregnant.

Because of our history of the two miscarriages we were having ultrasounds done every 2-3 weeks starting at 6 weeks. Our first ultrasound looked great and showed our little one at 6 weeks along. Our next ultrasound at 8 weeks was showing that our little one was a couple days behind but their heart beat was strong and my doctor said not to worry about it, some babies end up being a few days behind, this can be very normal.

We left that appointment feeling great and we were looking forward to our next ultrasound at 11 weeks. Unfortunately at just over 10 weeks I started bleeding, at first it was just some spotting and I was told that this is ok. My doctor said that as long as it was just spotting then that is ok, but any bleeding I was to go to the emergency department. Two days after I talked to the doctor I went to the ER because I was now bleeding and the bleeding had not stopped. As it was very late in the evening I was put on bed rest and told to come back to the ER  in the morning for an ultrasound.

At the ultrasound I was both nervous and trying to be hopeful. The ultrasound tech did the ultrasound and she said that she would be right back, when she said this I knew it was over but I still wanted to be hopeful. The next thing I heard was a male voice and it was a doctor, all he had to say was hi and that was all I needed to confirm that it was over again.

We went back to the ER and we were seen by the ER doctor and the OB on call. We were given our options at this point and we decided that we were going to have a D&C. The OB said that he would do it that day for us. Some emergency surgery came in and we got bumped to the next day.

The next day I went in for the D&C, it was pretty much the exact same as the last time.

We have no idea where we will go from here.

Category : Amanda , Volunteer Bloggers


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Due dates and the future

We have now passed our due date for our second loss,  hopefully it will be the last due date that we pass without a baby.

We spent the day of our due date camping with some friends and family. Overall it was a good day. I did have a moment when I broke down and cried, but my husband was there for me, and we got through the day together.

My husband and I have always wanted children and we continue to want children BUT we have realized that if we are not going to have a child right now we are going to focus on our life as a couple and live everyday as if it is our last. We have started to plan for our immediate future with or without a child. We have come to realize that if we sit here and wait for a child to come and we hold off doing the stuff that we want we will miss out on life. So we have decided that we need to make goals and do things that we want to make ourselves happy NOW.

Some of the plans that we have for the future include:

-Me signing up for both a 5K in September and a 10K in October and focusing on training for that and enjoying running while I do so.

-We have planned many more camping trips this summer with our friends and family, which is something that we both enjoy and we have missed out on in the past because of work and living in a different city than most of our family.

-We are also looking forward to planning an international trip for next March, we haven’t figured out where yet but we are looking forward to the trip.

-Enjoying the many memories that our puppy and our cat give us on a daily basis.

We have been married now for just over 3 years and together for almost 7 and we are going to continue to enjoy our time together.

Category : Amanda , Volunteer Bloggers


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One year

As I sit here this evening I sit with empty arms, arms that were once made for a baby. A baby that never got to grace this earth with their presence, but left footsteps on my heart.

Today is a year since I found out we lost our baby. It has been a very tough year, it was followed by a second loss and then a third one. Although the third loss wasn’t my baby by blood it has impacted my life none the less.

Three losses in a year is hard. I have also met many other wonderful women who have been through losses this last year and the years previous to that. Some have since been successful in having other children, some are currently pregnant and some are walking this road with me and hoping that we can move onto the next phase of the process soon.

The ladies that I have come to meet have helped me up when I have been truly down, down at a point where I wasn’t sure there was a way back at some points.

Life will never be the same again, I will never be able to fully enjoy another pregnancy without being filled with worry and doubt. I will never be able to enjoy in remembering the first time I told my husband that we were expecting.

I just wanted to say a huge thanks to everyone who has helped my husband and I get through this last year. We could have never done it without you wonderful people at our sides.

Category : Amanda , Volunteer Bloggers


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Friendships & loss

I’ve started to write this post a few times and I’m struggling to find the right words to say. So this post may be all over the place but I am going to try my best and write it because I need to let it all out.

A little while ago I received a pregnancy announcement from a friend who struggled to find the words to tell me about their bundle of joy. When she told me I have to admit that I took it really hard, BUT I was so very happy for her and her husband. I did have to go home and have a good cry afterwards but again I was very happy for them.

A few days later I got a text from my friend, it was the kind of text that stops you in your tracks and you have to sit down to finish reading. But it was a text that I once had to write and remembered all too well. She had gone for an ultrasound the day before and was told that her baby had no heartbeat.

As she was still in her first trimester she hadn’t told many people and she was glad that she hadn’t.

As much as hearing her initial announcement hurt I was glad that I could be there for her afterwards. I remember thinking that I didn’t want to be alone but didn’t want to see anyone after my miscarriage because no one would understand how I felt.

I spent the day with her until her husband could be with her again. We spent the day hugging, talking, crying and just being there for each other. I would have to say that that day was one of the hardest days for me. It brought back so many emotions that I didn’t know were still very much inside me.

We talked about everything that goes along with a loss, all the hard questions and the questions that don’t have a right or wrong answer.

Going through a loss is very hard, but I have learned, both through my friends I live around and my friends from far away places, that you are not alone. There are friends that will always be there for you no matter what.

If you read this, friend, I just want you to know that I love you and will always be there for you.

Category : Amanda , Volunteer Bloggers


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If you've come to this blog, it likely means you have suffered a pregnancy loss of some type. We are so sorry you have found yourself here, but hope the stories of life after loss can help you on your road to healing and recovery. Remember, we are all in this together!

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