Category Archives: Amanda

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Talking about our losses with our rainbow baby

People have started to ask me how we will tell our daughter about our losses. At this moment I am not sure but I do know that I don’t want to keep it from her.

Most likely we will wait until she is older and either tell her when she can understand what having a loss means or maybe we will just talk about it and she will overhear and it will just be a normal topic in our household. We have some time to think about it before we need to make a decision either way.

If you have a rainbow baby did you tell them about your loss(es)? And if so, how did you tell them?

Category : Amanda , Volunteer Bloggers


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Loss Milestones and a Rainbow Baby

For most August is a month full of sunshine, warm days and happiness, for me it is a month of both heart break and happiness. You see three years ago August (2014) brought us our third pregnancy loss.

I was so careful not to take part in our normal summer festivities of riding our atvs, and having some drinks around the campfire. But that didn’t matter in the end, we lost our precious little one anyways.

After our third loss we tried again and it took us almost a year to conceive again. In August of 2015 we found out we were expecting again. We were over the moon with excitement but also terrified that things would go wrong again. (Our fears came true in October of that year, on Canadian Thanksgiving)

As I look back at these loss milestones coming this month I can still feel the pain and the happiness I felt on those days. One thing I have learned over the years is that time does not make the pain go away, time makes the pain easier to deal with, most days. I still have some days that I mourn for my losses and wish I could go back in time before I miscarried and be able to hold all my babies in my arms. I know I will never be able to do this but one can wish.

As I think about the memories that this month brings me I also think about the memories that we are creating with our daughter who is here with us.

As much as I want to go back and be able to hold our babies and change our past, I also don’t want to change our past as it brought us our beautiful daughter.

Category : Amanda , Volunteer Bloggers


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Mother’s Day

May 14th marks my 6th wedding anniversary. It also marks my first Mother’s Day with my daughter.

Although I have always felt that I have been a mother for years now I am excited to celebrate this year with my family. She will be just under 5 months old and I still look at her and wonder if it’s real. She’s mine? I still can’t believe it at times. As I write this she is laying across my lap fast asleep. She loves to lay in my arms and fall asleep, I know one day she won’t do this anymore so I am making the most of every moment of cuddles I can get.

We don’t really have plans for Mother’s Day yet, but that’s ok with me. All I want to do is hold my daughter tight and make sure she knows that she is our miracle and we love her very much.

Category : Amanda , Volunteer Bloggers


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She’s here!

She is finally here.

Well she’s been here for just over 3 months. In my last post I mentioned how everything seemed so unreal, and that we were just days away from meeting our miracle rainbow baby. Our baby ended up coming 4 days late, on Christmas Eve, and she ended up being a girl. We are so excited that she is finally here.

Ever since I went into labour with her our life has changed so much, she really did turn our world upside down (but in an amazing way).

As I look back on everything we have been through over the last 4 1/2 years since we began trying to bring home our baby I realize how lucky I am. That may seem like an odd statement to make but it’s true.

I am lucky to have such an amazing husband who has truly been my rock throughout this entire process. I am lucky to have an amazing family who has supported us in every loss as well as in every joy. I am so lucky to have such amazing friends, both here with me and ones that I have met online. I am so lucky to have such amazing doctors and nurses who have helped me so much in our journey here, and for not just treating me like just another patient but a person who has feelings. I am also so lucky to now have my daughter who is laying against my chest as I write this.

As hard as the last few years have been looking down at her has made everything worth it. I would do it again in a heartbeat just to have her in my life.

She is our rainbow baby!

Category : Amanda , Volunteer Bloggers


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Our Miracle Rainbow

It’s been a long time since I posted on this blog. We’ve been through so much since my last post. We have gone through more losses and more testing. All the tests continued to come back with no actual answers.

At the beginning of this year me and my husband took the 4 hour journey to see a specialist. This doctor specializes in losses, particularly reoccurring losses with no answers. She gave us a few options to choose from if we wanted to move forward with trying to have a baby.

Our choices were the following;
1. Start taking a baby aspirin daily, and continue taking it until I reached 36 weeks pregnant. (This can help if my body is clotting against the placenta and depriving baby of oxygen, not something that can be tested for in early losses.)

2. Doing fragmin injections daily (A form of heparin) This requires doing an injection every 24 hrs. I would be required to do my injection within the certain hour everyday.

After 3 1/2 years of trying to have a baby me and my husband decided on option #2. It was the harder and more expensive of the two options but at this point the specialist agreed that it would probably be our best option.

Shortly after our appointment with the specialist I found out I was pregnant again. We excitedly took this as a sign and I started taking the injections daily. Only a few days later I started to have heavy cramping and my period came. I was about 5 weeks pregnant. Another loss to put behind us. Our 5th loss.

After that we agreed to try one more time, I told my husband that I didn’t know if I could continue going through this but I so badly wanted a baby to call our own. So we were going to try one last time and see if these new meds would work.

On April 9 I took a test, I was feeling a little off and I didn’t think I was pregnant again, as I had not gotten my period back after my latest loss yet. But the test was positive. So I again started the meds and my doctor ordered blood work to check my HCG levels. They continued to rise normally and I was monitored by ultrasound every 2 weeks.

As of today, Dec 6, I am 38 weeks pregnant with our miracle rainbow baby. Most days I still have trouble believing that we have gotten to this point but here we are.

Today is also the 3 year anniversary of the day that we found out we lost our baby at 15 weeks. So many emotions this month, but whenever I feel my belly move or I can’t get comfortable I remember the miracle inside me and it makes me smile.

Category : Amanda , Volunteer Bloggers


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Support

Since I have had my first miscarriage I have met many women who have had losses. Some of the women have had one loss and some have had many losses.

I have become close to quite a few of these women as we have gone through things that no one should ever have to endure, and we have gone through it together.

I have found a great strength that I never knew that I had because of these many women. I have received such amazing support from so many women, one of these women is Karen. She started such an amazing organization to help women and their families. I feel very blessed to have met someone like her and her husband through my journey to try and have children.

Another woman that I have met and has stood by me through this whole process is a woman that I will hopefully get to meet next spring. She has inspired me to continue with my journey to both have children and follow my dream of running a marathon. She is currently pregnant with her little one and I can’t believe that after all that she has been through her little one will be here before the end of this year. 🙂

A few of the women that I have met are currently pregnant with their little ones, some have passed the horrible milestones of all their previous losses and some are still praying that they make it past these milestones and that these babies are their take home babies.

We are all at different stages in this process but we will continue through it together. Maybe one day we can all get together and meet each other’s children, one can only hope.

Category : Amanda , Volunteer Bloggers


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All over again

I haven’t written a post in a while and I have been absent here because at the end of June I found out I was pregnant.

Because of our history of the two miscarriages we were having ultrasounds done every 2-3 weeks starting at 6 weeks. Our first ultrasound looked great and showed our little one at 6 weeks along. Our next ultrasound at 8 weeks was showing that our little one was a couple days behind but their heart beat was strong and my doctor said not to worry about it, some babies end up being a few days behind, this can be very normal.

We left that appointment feeling great and we were looking forward to our next ultrasound at 11 weeks. Unfortunately at just over 10 weeks I started bleeding, at first it was just some spotting and I was told that this is ok. My doctor said that as long as it was just spotting then that is ok, but any bleeding I was to go to the emergency department. Two days after I talked to the doctor I went to the ER because I was now bleeding and the bleeding had not stopped. As it was very late in the evening I was put on bed rest and told to come back to the ER  in the morning for an ultrasound.

At the ultrasound I was both nervous and trying to be hopeful. The ultrasound tech did the ultrasound and she said that she would be right back, when she said this I knew it was over but I still wanted to be hopeful. The next thing I heard was a male voice and it was a doctor, all he had to say was hi and that was all I needed to confirm that it was over again.

We went back to the ER and we were seen by the ER doctor and the OB on call. We were given our options at this point and we decided that we were going to have a D&C. The OB said that he would do it that day for us. Some emergency surgery came in and we got bumped to the next day.

The next day I went in for the D&C, it was pretty much the exact same as the last time.

We have no idea where we will go from here.

Category : Amanda , Volunteer Bloggers


Welcome!

If you’ve come to this blog, it likely means you have suffered a pregnancy loss of some type. We are so sorry you have found yourself here, but hope the stories of life after loss can help you on your road to healing and recovery. Remember, we are all in this together!

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