Category Archives: Deb

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A Loss of Innocence

In a strange way, pregnancy loss is also a loss of innocence. It’s like when you were younger and thought that your parents would be around forever, or that nothing bad would ever happen. Unfortunately, because pregnancy loss is often not talked about, I never really thought about it or discussed it with anyone.

That changed when I lost my grandson, Liam. I had joined a club that I really didn’t want to be in. But I found comfort in sharing this devastating news. I was amazed by the number of women who shared that they too had lost a child or grandchild. I could see that even though many of them had gone on to have other children, the loss left an aching hole in their hearts. I truly don’t know if I would have the courage or strength to try again after such a loss.

We just found out that our daughter-in-law is pregnant. The loss of innocence I experienced with Liam has left me filled with “what-ifs.” I find myself slipping into a dark place. However, I know that my daughter-in-law will be closely monitored during the pregnancy, which gives me some comfort. I can hold Liam close to my heart and honor his memory, but I mustn’t fear for another loss. I need to have faith and hope for the miracle of a successful birth. I recognize it is in God’s hands, not mine. Yes, pregnancy loss may take away our innocence, but we cannot let it take away our joy and wonder at the expectation of a new life.

Category : Deb , Volunteer Bloggers


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Appreciating Winry

We lost our grandson Liam when his sister Winry was almost two years old. While we don’t see her that often, now that summer is here, we will probably see her, my son, and my daughter-in-law more often, especially since we have a pool!

Winry is slowly coming into her own and I appreciate her uniqueness more every time I see her. She has an infectious laugh and delights in chasing our dog Kovu around the house when she visits. We never had a dog when my children were growing up, only cats, so watching Winry and Kovu interact is a delight.

Winry’s individuality and personality are beginning to shine. This was so evident when she was here a week or so ago for a swim. She got over the initial shock of landing face down in the pool and had a wonderful time bobbing up and down in the water and “swimming” with her parents. We had an impromptu cookout afterwards, and Winry ate like it was her last meal, ice cream and all!

I know I will miss sharing these and other experiences with Liam. I remember fondly going to my grandparents for a special meal or accompanying my grandfather to his office on a Saturday to “help.” I want to share many such experiences with Winry and cherish her being in my life. So often we take life for granted.

I sometimes need to remind myself what a gift life is. When I was born with a congenital heart disease, the nurse told my mother I would never live. Well, I just turned 62 this week.

While I wish I was given the gift of watching Liam grow and develop, I need to be thankful for Winry and those in my life and not take their presence for granted. I am thankful for the privilege of being able to raise my two adopted children into adulthood. I am thankful for my husband who has put up with me for over 30 years.

Yes, we mourn those we have lost. But we must remember to love, cherish, and appreciate those who are with us.

Category : Deb , Volunteer Bloggers


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Reflections On Mother’s Day

For many, Mother’s Day is a joyous day in which we celebrate the moms in our lives. However, for many it can be a day of anguish and pain.

Let us remember those whose moms have died; may they find solace in the good memories they hold dear. No matter when you have lost your mom, you often intensely feel the loss on Mother’s Day.

Let us remember children whose moms were not there for them, for any reason; may they recognize their self-worth and value. May they know they are loved.

Let us remember the birth mothers who placed their child for adoption, may they recognize the gift they gave. I believe it is a true, unselfish act of love to want a better life for your child. Having adopted two children, I am blessed to have received this gift.

Let us remember moms who have lost a child, may they find solace in knowing that while their child may not be physically with them, he or she holds a special place in their hearts.

I must admit I am not looking forward to this Mother’s Day. My mom passed away six years ago, and while she wasn’t always there for me, I know she did the best she could with what she had. I will miss selecting the “perfect” card to send to her and making the usual Mother’s Day call.

My heart will be with my daughter-in-law this Mother’s Day. This will be her first Mother’s Day without Liam. I know it will be especially difficult, since Liam’s due date was in May. Thankfully, she has her family close by to support her during what will be a difficult time. I know Liam will be looking down at her with love. I will be praying for her, all moms who have lost a child, and all our angels this Mother’s Day.

Category : Deb , Volunteer Bloggers


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Remembering Liam

When my daughter-in-law miscarried my grandson Liam early this year, I was devastated. As parents, especially as moms, we always want to fix things for our children, no matter how old they are.

The few days after the loss, I knew it was important to just be there for them. As I mentioned in my previous blog, I made them food, called frequently to offer support, and accompanied Colin and Krissy to the funeral home.

But I knew I wanted to do more to remember Liam. While we did not have a formal funeral service for Liam, we did have a mass said in his memory. It was held a week after he was delivered, and it was touching to see so many friends and family there to support Colin and Krissy.

I found a wonderful organization near me, Angel Gowns, which makes burial gowns for miscarried and deceased babies from donated bridal gowns, First Communion dresses and other donated fabrics. I remember how moved we were when we saw Liam in one of these gowns, wrapped in a blanket, with a tiny beanie on his head. Without hesitation, I donated my bridal gown and my mom’s to them. I couldn’t think of a better use for them. I did cut a small piece from each gown for my daughter, in case she wants “something old” on her wedding day. I plan on knitting blankets to support this organization as well.

Of course, the work done by Through the Heart also helped us honor Liam. Krissy and Colin truly appreciated the Comfort Kit—it helped them to know that someone recognized the pain they were going though. And sharing my story in my blog helps me remember Liam.

I also wanted a physical reminder of Liam. When Krissy was pregnant with my first grandchild, Winry, she gave me a beautiful grandma bangle bracelet. I found a simple memorial bracelet and purchased one for both Krissy and me.

Liam’s estimated due date was this coming May. I know with all the Mother’s Day festivities that this will be a tough time for Krissy. Perhaps we will plan a special remembrance, such as releasing balloons or planting a tree.

But the best way to honor Liam is to remember him not only on special occasions, but each day. When people ask how many grandchildren I have, I always say two—one on earth, one in heaven. Liam holds a special place in my heart. Living my best life possible is how I can best honor and remember him.

Category : Deb , Volunteer Bloggers


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A Day I Will Never Forget

I remember the call like it was yesterday. The phone rang mid-morning January 5, 2019. I noticed the call was from my son, Colin. That’s strange, I thought, he never calls during the day. I answered the phone and I couldn’t tell if he was sobbing or laughing hysterically due to a great deal of background noise and commotion. Unfortunately, he was sobbing. “We lost the baby,” he cried. I was at a loss for words. I felt helpless and devastated.

It was supposed to be a happy day. Colin and my daughter-in-law Krissy were going to find out the gender of their baby in preparation for a gender reveal party that weekend.

My first thought was for Colin and Krissy. I wanted to be there for them but wasn’t sure how to best support them. I asked if they wanted us to come to the hospital, but he said no as it was already quite chaotic.

I frequently kept in touch with him during the day by text and phone, making sure he was ok and giving him emotional support. I found out the baby was a boy and they named him Liam James. I gently asked if they were planning on a service of some sort and offered any help I could give.

I knew as a grandparent I needed to walk a fine line between being too present and not present enough. I realized that the best thing to do was let my son take the lead. He knows we love them and are there for them. I did what I could do immediately—made food for them, offered to watch their daughter, and pray.

One of the hardest things I have ever had to do was accompany Colin and Krissy at the funeral home the next day, when Krissy was discharged from the hospital. Colin had asked us to be there to support them in this difficult task. We had not seen them since hearing about the loss of Liam and all we could do was hug each other. I am amazed by the strength they showed during this process.

At the funeral home, Krissy picked two small urns for Liam’s remains. Although they didn’t want a formal service, I asked if they wanted me to arrange a memorial mass at our church, which they appreciated and wanted.

Finally, Krissy asked if she could see Liam one more time. We all went to pay our final respects to baby Liam. I was deeply touched by the care the funeral home had taken to wrap him in a little blanket and place a tiny knitted hat on his head. My only solace was in knowing that we now had a little angel watching over us.

It is so hard watching your children suffer. Moms are supposed to be able to fix things and I couldn’t fix this. There are some valleys in life those we love must all walk through; sometimes all we can do is offer a hand and a hug. It is one of the toughest parts of parenting—raising your children to be strong enough to meet these dark moments with strength and hope.

Category : Deb , Volunteer Bloggers


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If you've come to this blog, it likely means you have suffered a pregnancy loss of some type. We are so sorry you have found yourself here, but hope the stories of life after loss can help you on your road to healing and recovery. Remember, we are all in this together!

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