Category Archives: Jessica

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Maybe, Not

In 2015 (January), my boyfriend at the time (now husband) and I found out we were expecting. We were shocked, surprised, but somewhere in there was excitement. We progressed normally and welcomed a beautifully perfect, healthy child in September 2015.

We started talking about a second child and after hours and hours of debating, discussing, crying, yelling, etc., we decided that we would be a family of 3. He would make arrangements to have things taken care of and we wouldn’t worry about an unexpected pregnancy again. I remained on the pill, religiously.

On May 22, 2017, I was 7 days late. I took a pregnancy test and instead of waiting three minutes, the second line immediately started to show. I looked at it, looked at the instructions. Clearly, this was a mistake. I couldn’t be pregnant. How could I be pregnant? I was terrified that my husband would be angry. We had decided no more children for us. And then, he was calm. He told me he was excited, that it was very unexpected, but like with our first child, we would be fine and things would be great.

We picked a name, a theme for nursery, and how we would tell everyone. My last pregnancy was perfect, why would anything go wrong? And then it all went wrong.

I went to the bathroom on May 28 and there was a little spotting. I left work and had my husband take me to the emergency room. They did an ultrasound, transvaginal, and took my hcg levels so I could keep my OB appointment in two days and they would have hcg levels to measure against. I was told it was too early to see a heartbeat on the ultrasound, as I was only about 6 and a half weeks along. I was released with directions for pelvic rest.

My OB appointment went well. My new doctor told me that the bleeding was “substantial” but he had seen worse with no issue. He sent us to the hospital to have blood work (around 11am) and said he would call us before day’s end with the results.

We waited for eight hours (picked up our daughter, told my parents why we were so late picking her up) until he called us at 9pm. He said, “well it looks like your hcg levels are about 220, which could mean a really early pregnancy.” My heart sank. I knew that my levels on Sunday were 1100 and I knew that a decrease to 220 would confirm a miscarriage. I told him we had blood work to measure the new levels against and he said, “Ok…” he looked them over as I heard silence on the other end of the phone. “Well, you’ve gone from 1100 to 220, so that’s a confirmed miscarriage.” He wasn’t unkind, just very medical about everything. He told me what my options are, and I requested a D&C.  I was told to call his office in the morning to schedule this.  I hung up the phone and looked at my husband who hadn’t heard the entire conversation. His eyes closed, attempting to process the news.

In one week, we went from shock, to excitement, to grief. It was the worst, single day of my life, and the beginning of the worst month of my life. June 2017 will forever be a blank month for me.

Category : Jessica , Volunteer Bloggers


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Words Fail

We live in a world where being verbose is preferred. Being able to talk your way out of a situation, prevent an awkward silence, break the ice, are valuable. No one wants to sit in silence, bothered by the overwhelming noise of their internal monologue.

After my miscarriage, friends would ask questions about the D&C, how I was feeling, plans for the future. They were intent on keeping me talking instead of allowing me to be silent. And then the questions stopped. And the world kept turning for everyone.

Some days are better. Some days are worse. I was walking in a store the other day and heard a mother scream out, “Hudson! Get back here!” and my fragile heart re-broke. We had decided on the name “Hudson” for our child that we lost. I immediately was reminded that I wouldn’t yell that name out in fear, discipline, or excitement.

I didn’t call or text anyone in those moments. I didn’t reach out. I didn’t want to talk . I didn’t want to work through it. I wanted to sit in silence. I wanted to feel whatever I needed to feel, however I needed to do so.

Tears, like words, slipped out of my eyes and wrote their story all over my face. They continued to spill out, speaking louder than any simple words could.

I have come to the conclusion that I would rather speak through my emotion than any type of trivial small talk. Allowing myself to sit in the silence, especially when the world is constantly loud and moving, has allowed me to heal in ways I didn’t realize I needed to. Taking a few moments every day to be silent and piece by piece heal my heart, will allow me to begin living “normally” again.

Category : Jessica , Volunteer Bloggers


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Membership Cards

When I was in high school, one of the best weeks was club week. You got time out of your schedule to go peruse the different tables of the clubs you wanted to choose. You got information, you met the president or officers, you excitedly signed your name. You found a group you were excited to be a part of.

During this experience, I’ve called this “a club I never wanted to be a part of.” One in four women experiences a miscarriage in their life. That is a huge club. It’s an awful club. It’s an involuntary club. It is a club full of heartache.  Normally when you join a club, you get a card or a T-shirt. Here, you get one last ultrasound, or a D&C hospital bill, or something else too difficult and graphic to possibly explain.

This is a club I never wanted to join; I never wanted my friends to join. Now that I’m a part of it, I know that, unfortunately, additional members will be joining. I can’t do anything about that. What I can do, is take my pain and experience and make them understand that they are not alone. No one wants to join this club. No one wants the membership card, but together, we can help the other hundreds of thousands of unwilling members that are joining now and that will join in the future. Our pain will eventually give way to strength so we can hold them up when they cannot do so for themselves.

Use your unfortunate membership card for the best, if you are at that point in your journey.

Category : Jessica , Volunteer Bloggers


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The Very Hungry Caterpillar…

Ten years ago, I bought The Very Hungry Caterpillar decals at Target. I knew that one day I would use them. When I first found out I was pregnant in 2015, I chose not to use them after I found out she was a she! I chose a completely different theme, but I kept them.

Almost three weeks ago, I took a pregnancy test (or four) and they all came back positive. I was floored, as I had been on birth control. I stared at the plus sign, then at the word “pregnant” as I continued to receive positive tests. I thought to myself, ” This wasn’t planned, but if this baby got through your birth control he was meant to be born!”

I went through our back bedroom closet, looking for the decals. I went to a craft store, buying three different colors of fabric that matched the color scheme. I started a registry on Amazon for everything Caterpillar. In the span of five days, I had this baby’s life planned.

And then on Sunday, I started bleeding. And then I kept bleeding. I hadn’t dealt with any of this in my first pregnancy, so I assumed the worst. I called my husband, begging him to take me to the ER. After four hours of being poked and prodded, I was discharged with no answers. I had to wait until Wednesday to have my results confirmed.

Skipping ahead through all of the emotions and hours upon hours that dragged (which hopefully I’ll be able to post about at a later time), my doctor called at 9:00pm. He told me that my hcg level had gone from 1100 on Sunday to 200 on Wednesday. My entire heart sank into an unending ocean. I never thought it would reach bottom.

He provided me with three options: pass the baby on my own, take medication to pass the baby, or have a D&C. I asked him for a few hours to process what was happening. I called the following morning, after discussing these options with my husband. I decided, for the sake of my sanity, to have a D&C.

I would prefer to discuss that day in detail at a later time, but thanks to an amazing nursing team, I’d like to think I made it out relatively intact. This is all still new. This is all still raw. I hope to heal, one day at a time, but tonight, I think about the child that I lost. He (we decided it was a boy due to my intuition) was real, and he was ours.

Thank you for reading my first post and I look forward to healing with each and every reader.

Category : Jessica , Volunteer Bloggers


Welcome!

If you’ve come to this blog, it likely means you have suffered a pregnancy loss of some type. We are so sorry you have found yourself here, but hope the stories of life after loss can help you on your road to healing and recovery. Remember, we are all in this together!

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