Category Archives: Julie

Summer Adventures

This summer has been busy at my house this year. Three of my kids have summer school for varying things. The fourth, my youngest, turns 7 soon. It seems more apparent than ever now that none are truly little anymore. Parting with that idea has been difficult for me. I loved having babies. But in many ways it has also been healing for me too. I took a year off of babysitting. I needed some time without seeing babies all the time. So there are no littles around my house this year. It has given me a chance to really focus on my family and healing from our loss.

To add to a busy schedule of summer school and daily activities, I also took on an extra shift for the summer to pay off debt. This means I work full time nights while I have also been working on building the new venture I began last year. I have kept it mostly to myself and close friends and family until recently – I am working in books! I needed to DO something, so I began buying and selling books last year. It has been an enlightening, challenging and refreshing adventure into a world in which I have previously only been a customer in the past. But it’s also helped fill my hours and gives me something to look forward to and focus on besides the typical daily routines.

I have had varying reactions when I told family and friends. Some are absolutely fascinated with the idea that I am doing something with my grief, and some who are completely appalled at the idea. I like to say like parenting, loss doesn’t come with a manual. This works for me, whether it works for others, I don’t know. In the year I’ve been at it I’ve built an inventory of about 12,500 books, which isn’t much but it sure seems like it when I do not yet have a formal office or physical store location.

But I have discovered that I love what I do. I never thought I would be interested in a venture like this before. My future goal is to open a store, with a literacy center for retired teachers and volunteers to teach reading classes and a second hand store for books and classes for people who might not otherwise have access to books or further education. For now, however, it’s small but it’s gaining momentum. But it has made such a difference for me to have something to work towards. Each one of us copes in our own way on this journey but it’s so nice to know we are not alone in this. I would love to hear some of what everyone else is doing! 

Category : Julie , Volunteer Bloggers

Grief Changes Us

Grief and loss change us. When you lose one of your own, it seems to allow you to empathize and feel other losses much closer than you otherwise might. Maybe because we understand better what those parents are facing.

Recently my cousin I grew up with, as our families were very close and we were more like siblings than cousins, was in a tragic accident and died. She was 8 months pregnant with her first child, a son she planned to call Mattias. When I got the call I was floored, it couldn’t be, she was just 24 years old and newly married as of last year. How could something so young and new be over before it began? Our families were shocked and devastated. It didn’t feel real,

I think on some level we all were in shock until the funeral. Some seem to still be in shock. Although I went to the funeral I couldn’t go to the wake. It’s only been a year since I lost my little Irene and I couldn’t look at the baby, who they laid to rest in his mother’s arms. To be forever at peace together. It never occurred to me that this would affect me in more ways than the normal grieving process.

But I had nightmares for weeks of losing my own, or of something happening to my kids. I cry at random never really sure what will bring it on. It has brought back fresh the feelings and pain that came with my own loss as well as having the emotions and grief of the loss of one of our family. This side of loss is so hard. That it can be triggered back by other events even at a later time is something that I hadn’t considered.

I am coping with it all, one day at a time. When it is overwhelming I cope with it one hour, one minute at a time. Now that it is spring I am planting flowers, and I get out and walk or work in the yard or if it’s a hard day even sitting in the swing in the warm weather seems to help. The flowers started blooming last week and I was reminded that just like the seasons, time will help us all too.

Category : Julie , Volunteer Bloggers

Getting Closure

It can be very difficult to cope with a loss, sometimes the grief overwhelms you and leaves you wondering how you will make it. Other times you feel like you are getting better and then feel guilty, like you are doing something wrong. Grief is so deep, so complex I honestly don’t think anyone fully understands it. It affects every part of our lives, every fiber of our being cries out for our lost loved ones.

I have grieved four losses, each one vastly different than the rest. I cannot move on without closure. It can be different for each of us. For me, with my most recent loss, my closure came unexpectedly. I needed to know I wasn’t alone in the fact that my baby wasn’t given a proper resting place, she was simply gone, and those few seconds I held her, were the first and last time I would have a chance to say goodbye.

I had so many regrets on how I spent those precious moments. I didn’t get to say anything meaningful, I didn’t get to fully comprehend the magnitude of that moment before she was swept away and I would never get to see her again. I spent that moment holding her and crying, the only words I spoke were to tell my husband that this tiny thing was our long hoped-for and much loved daughter. I don’t even know if he responded. I was lost in my own world of pain and horror.

Hours of labor, unbelievable pain and loss, I look back and think, was I in shock? Perhaps. A year later a fellow writer told me she too had the same thing happen and had also shared the same feelings that I had struggled so long with. The relief I felt was enormous. She went on to tell me it is very common from what she has found following her journey with loss. It didn’t mean I didn’t love her, it didn’t mean she never existed, and I wasn’t alone.

She will forever have my thanks for reaching out in the darkness and offering me this token of comfort. For the first time in a year, I felt at peace. It is not the first thing I think of when I think of her now and that alone has made such a difference in my life. I hope this helps others as it helped me.

Category : Julie , Volunteer Bloggers

One year anniversary

Hello everyone! I just wanted to start by introducing myself. My name is Julie, I am 29, and I have had 8 pregnancies, four kids with me and four I have lost.

I decided to post today because it is the one year anniversary of my last miscarriage. One year ago today I rushed to the hospital for spotting and cramping, I waited anxiously as they ran tests and did an ultrasound, my heart stopped at the quiet faces around me. Then the doctor came in, and she said I’m so sorry, and I started to cry. Because I have been through this before, I knew what she was about to tell me.

My beautiful baby passed away suddenly just a few days before my 2nd trimester and they don’t know why. They said she was healthy. We decided to name her Irene, because my other kids had already picked favorite names and that was the favorite. I’d love to say experience made it easier, but nothing makes it easier when you lose a child. It was a year from hell, I really struggled with coping, my other kids were grieving, my husband threw himself into work and trying to comfort me. I have cried for most of the year. Some days I feel like I’m on the mend, until a song comes on, or I see something that makes me think of her. I have never felt so desperately empty.

My other children are all in school now. We planned this baby so carefully, I took all my vitamins, I drank the right amounts of water. I struggled to understand why I couldn’t just feel better, I tried to push past it while inside I was counting the days. Then to my horror a month after I lost the baby my milk came in unexpectedly. I was devastated, the doctor never told me it was a possibility. My husband recommended counseling for the grief but I couldn’t open up.

I felt really awful in general – I was sad, I was tired, I couldn’t sleep or I slept too much, I couldn’t lose the baby weight, which made me cry more because she was gone but the weight wouldn’t go away. I sang in the car a lot, I filled my days with whatever I could think of to stay busy. At a recommendation I took up collecting and selling books, but by December I had thousands of books but still a broken heart. I realized then I would never come to terms if I didn’t pack away her things, which I couldn’t bear to touch and look at but couldn’t bear to pack up either, so I carefully boxed them and put them away, out of sight. I cried my eyes out the whole time.

The things that couldn’t be stored long term like diapers, wipes, lotions, and soaps I gave to a mother who was having a unexpected baby and had nothing to give her baby. I cried then too. But it also helped me face it. I feel stronger, but I think of her everyday. We aren’t sure we will try again, which was hard for me to adjust to, because I wanted nothing more than one more little one. Today is a hard day for me, but I have grown stronger. I move forward knowing that every moment she was with me was filled with love. Tomorrow will be a new day, and I take my days like I live them, one day at a time but on my worst days, I just take time one minute at a time.

Category : Julie , Volunteer Bloggers