Hello everyone! I just wanted to start by introducing myself. My name is Julie, I am 29, and I have had 8 pregnancies, four kids with me and four I have lost.
I decided to post today because it is the one year anniversary of my last miscarriage. One year ago today I rushed to the hospital for spotting and cramping, I waited anxiously as they ran tests and did an ultrasound, my heart stopped at the quiet faces around me. Then the doctor came in, and she said I’m so sorry, and I started to cry. Because I have been through this before, I knew what she was about to tell me.
My beautiful baby passed away suddenly just a few days before my 2nd trimester and they don’t know why. They said she was healthy. We decided to name her Irene, because my other kids had already picked favorite names and that was the favorite. I’d love to say experience made it easier, but nothing makes it easier when you lose a child. It was a year from hell, I really struggled with coping, my other kids were grieving, my husband threw himself into work and trying to comfort me. I have cried for most of the year. Some days I feel like I’m on the mend, until a song comes on, or I see something that makes me think of her. I have never felt so desperately empty.
My other children are all in school now. We planned this baby so carefully, I took all my vitamins, I drank the right amounts of water. I struggled to understand why I couldn’t just feel better, I tried to push past it while inside I was counting the days. Then to my horror a month after I lost the baby my milk came in unexpectedly. I was devastated, the doctor never told me it was a possibility. My husband recommended counseling for the grief but I couldn’t open up.
I felt really awful in general – I was sad, I was tired, I couldn’t sleep or I slept too much, I couldn’t lose the baby weight, which made me cry more because she was gone but the weight wouldn’t go away. I sang in the car a lot, I filled my days with whatever I could think of to stay busy. At a recommendation I took up collecting and selling books, but by December I had thousands of books but still a broken heart. I realized then I would never come to terms if I didn’t pack away her things, which I couldn’t bear to touch and look at but couldn’t bear to pack up either, so I carefully boxed them and put them away, out of sight. I cried my eyes out the whole time.
The things that couldn’t be stored long term like diapers, wipes, lotions, and soaps I gave to a mother who was having a unexpected baby and had nothing to give her baby. I cried then too. But it also helped me face it. I feel stronger, but I think of her everyday. We aren’t sure we will try again, which was hard for me to adjust to, because I wanted nothing more than one more little one. Today is a hard day for me, but I have grown stronger. I move forward knowing that every moment she was with me was filled with love. Tomorrow will be a new day, and I take my days like I live them, one day at a time but on my worst days, I just take time one minute at a time.
Category : Julie , Volunteer Bloggers