Category Archives: Kate

Holidaze

During “normal times” when the holiday season comes around, I am bubbling with excitement with a side dish of stress. My immediate family lives nearby and most of husband’s family lives in Massachusetts. Last year, we made the trek up north to spend Thanksgiving with his family and for Christmas we were with mine. This year we were supposed to switch.

Before the pandemic set in, we were excited about bringing our daughter and our new baby to my family’s big Thanksgiving gathering that my parents hold at their house.  We were excited at the prospect of traveling to Massachusetts for Christmas and visiting with my husband’s grandparents who are 89 and 91. It would have been our first big trip as a family of four.

While we still feel stressed because of all the uncertainty with this virus and we are bummed out about so many changes in plans, we also feel a sense of calm that we know we can relax this season. There’s no deciding where we’ll be because this year we know we are staying home for the holidays.

It won’t be the typical hustle and bustle. Most gifts will be purchased online and mailed to family and friends. We don’t have to plan where we are going and when. I don’t have to plan out what the kids will wear to whatever party we are invited to.

While it isn’t what we are used to, we are trying to focus on the positives. We have never had a holiday dinner with just our immediate little family. Our son is 6 months old, so this will be his first holiday season. It will be fun to have him to ourselves rather than being at parties where he is passed around. While we feel very blessed to have somewhere to go every year and we have abundance of family, it feels nice to host just ourselves. We know once everything calms down, we probably won’t be alone on a holiday any time soon, if ever again. My husband was excited about cooking the turkey for Thanksgiving, while I was focusing on the side dishes and the table set up.

For Christmas, I plan on focusing on new ideas for decorating the house and really diving in with teaching my daughter about Santa Claus. She turned 2 on October 24th. She’s starting to listen better and I think she is understanding better too, and maybe even remember the Santa Claus concept. We are excited to continue making new traditions. Maybe this will help us become better at taking a step back from time to time and make better efforts to focus on our immediate household. Maybe this will help us appreciate the holidays and not get caught up in the usual craziness.

We have to focus on the positives with the amount of negativity going on, otherwise our minds will explode. With the current state of politics in addition to this global virus, times have been really hard for a lot of people. It becomes hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel, but we all need to keep believing it’s there. My mom keeps reminding me, this is temporary. This isn’t how the rest of our lives will be. We need to keep our heads up and make due until things are a bit more “normal.” We also need to learn from this. Easier said than done, but still important to remember.

I am hoping we can all get out of our covid-daze even just for the end of the year and plunge ourselves into a happy holidaze.

Category : Kate , Volunteer Bloggers

Reasons to Believe

Within the last couple of weeks, I have had two friends text me that they recently suffered early miscarriages. They said they felt comfortable reaching out to me because I have blogged about my experiences both on here and my personal website. Being able to be there for my friends in a real and honest way was a reminder to me to believe that things happen for a reason. As hard as it is to realize in the moment, miscarriage is our body’s way of telling us that something wasn’t right.

Miscarriage and pregnancy loss are so isolating because nobody really gets it until they personally experience it. If it happens to you, and you don’t know anyone who it has happened to, it can be very lonely. For me, not having anyone to talk to about a situation is hard. I need to get my feelings out as I am feeling them. My poor husband gets an earful whenever I feel the need to express myself. God bless him.

I remember when I had losses, I didn’t know many people close to me, my age, that this had happened to. Not to say I didn’t have anyone supporting me. I am blessed to have a lot of support. It’s just easier sometimes to talk to someone who has been there. I blogged about it and shared it in open conversation with friends. Mostly people responded that they knew of someone who had a miscarriage. I worked with older women who came forward and told me it happened to them, but nobody ever talked about it in their era.

In the month of pregnancy and infant loss awareness, I reflected back on my miscarriages and how I have worked through the pain and confusion. Taking on this new role of guiding friends through the familiar pain has been another level of healing for me. It’s also been a reminder for me to hold my losses in my heart. Sometimes its easy to want to forget about painful experiences. And I have tried to put mine behind me before, but it doesn’t always work. I think it’s important to reflect back on where we started to realize how much we have gained since and to share our experiences. You never know who your words or photos are helping.

I was watching my daughter and son play the other day and I said to my husband if I hadn’t had those losses, these two individuals wouldn’t be here. The first two pregnancies made way for my daughter and son. My daughter and son have given me and my husband the ability to believe everything happens for a reason. Being able to guide my friends through their struggles is a reason to believe. 

To all those currently suffering a loss, I am with you in prayer. You will get through this. Release your pain in whatever way makes you feel comfortable. Write about it, speak about it, volunteer….whatever release suits you best. Keep your head up and keep searching for those reasons to believe.

Category : Kate , Volunteer Bloggers

New Path

My husband said to me the other day that he is feeling stressed. My husband is the most optimistic person I know, so if he says he’s stressed then I know something is really bugging him. 

We have both been feeling the weight of the pandemic. It took a while, but it’s starting to hit us harder. I was pregnant for the beginning of it. He had just started working from home and we were busy with our toddler. I had doctor’s visits to go to. We were constantly talking about what it was going to be like when the new baby came, so even though we had begun isolating, life seemed “busy.”

At the end of May, our son was born. Going to the hospital was like a vacation. The first two months of sleep deprived nights seemed to fly by. Suddenly, it was August. As we became acquainted with our new baby and he began to fall into his routine, life seemed to slow down. Every day started to seem the same. Being a stay-at-home mom, repetitive days are something I am used to, but this is different. Every day has to be the same because we don’t feel safe leaving our “bubble.”

Here we are now in September. The weight of the unknown still lies heavily on our shoulders. The holiday season is approaching and we have no set plans because of the fear of the virus. It’s hard to have things to look forward to. As I write this, the song Into The Unknown from Frozen II sounds off in my head. Funny how certain Disney songs can ring true to current life. My daughter is obsessed with the song. She’s been singing it (well her version of ‘singing’) just about every day the last few months. 

The other day, while the babies were napping, I was lost in thought. I was doing some self-reflection and I realized the way I have been feeling is similar to how I felt the year I had my miscarriages.

1.) I feel alone. We’ve been isolating from all of our friends. We see my family on occasion because they live nearby. But even when we are together we are distant. Most of my husband’s family lives far away so we haven’t seen them as often as we’d like. His parents have only seen our son twice.

2.) I feel like nobody understands. I have a toddler and a newborn in a pandemic. The last time there was an event like this was 100 years ago. There aren’t many people to ask for advice on how to do this. I feel so uncertain about the future and uncertain about how to approach the next steps.

3.) I feel helpless. There is so much out of my control. I have to try hard to focus on the things I can control.

4.) I feel afraid. We have family in the medical and social work fields who are exposed every day. We worry about them and try to visit them in the safest way possible. I just hate having to think ahead like this and be cautious with the people we love, but I have to do what I can to keep my immediate family safe.

These feelings are familiar to me and I think being familiar with them has helped me cope better as we go down this new path in life. I know I have the strength to provide a happy environment for my babies. I know I can be strong for my husband when he has his moments of sadness. And I know he can be strong for me because we have both done it before. We have faced disappointment before, and although this is a different situation, we can use the tools we’ve acquired. I am focusing my thoughts on the fact that we have a home to stay safe in, my husband is able to work, and my babies are young enough that I don’t have to worry about school. 

Even though life isn’t following the path we are accustomed to right now, I know we can make it through. I never could have imagined the strength and wisdom I gained from having miscarriages could help me carry my family through a pandemic. This new path we are on is challenging, but I am grateful every day we have each other.

Category : Kate , Volunteer Bloggers

Welcome, Zachary Jr.

Amidst the uncertainty and fear in the world today, we welcomed a new beacon of hope on May 28th. Our son, Zachary Jr., pushed his way into this world on May 28, 2020 at 1:14pm. 

We arrived at Lankenau hospital Wednesday night so I could be induced. We entered through the Emergency Department because we arrived late. We were screened for any coronavirus symptoms and then we were ushered through empty back hallways to the labor and delivery unit. The atmosphere was quiet and sort of eerie. It was so different from when we were there for my daughter’s birth just nineteen months before. 

Once we were checked in and set up in our room, the troubles of the outside world seemed to melt away. We felt so safe and comfortable. The previous few months were shrouded with anxiety. I had put aside my excitement and let the fear of the pandemic overtake me. Being in the hospital calmed me. I had made it. The baby, me, and my husband were safe and healthy. We were here to complete our mission of meeting our new addition.

The following day at 1:14pm our son was born. People had asked me a lot if I was nervous about having the baby during the pandemic. My answer was, “My plan is to get in there, pop this baby out, and get right back home.” And that is exactly what we did.

When my daughter was born, she had a short NICU stay, so we spent 6 days in the hospital. This birth was the complete opposite. We were in and out in 42 hours. Thankfully, everything went exactly as planned. For the past couple years, things going “exactly as planned” wasn’t something I was used to. After two miscarriages and a health scare with my daughter, my husband and I were accustomed to things not going perfectly.

My son is one month old now and I still can’t believe how smoothly it all went. I spent so much time and energy worrying about what it would be like and worrying about catching the coronavirus. I had seen so many reports on the news about pregnant women getting the virus, having emergency c-sections, and being quarantined from their newborns. I worried about bringing him home and how our families would react to us not wanting anyone coming over. Everyone has understood and everyone has agreed to our precautions.

Baby Zach has met both sets of grandparents safely in person and the rest of the family has met him through the window. It’s not the picture perfect introduction that we were accustomed to, but not nearly as stressful as I made it out to be in my head. Looking back, I wish I had spent less time worrying and more time enjoying the last few months of my pregnancy, but hindsight is 20/20.

Category : Kate , Volunteer Bloggers

Certainty in an uncertain time

I am in my 3rd trimester with baby number 2. Things were going so well, I actually allowed myself to feel certain that everything would be okay. I am a stay at home mom and have been busy with my ever growing toddler who has suddenly developed preferences and quite a little attitude when things don’t go her way. Keeping busy with her has allowed me to keep my mind off of the ever looming thoughts of “what could go wrong” that I became so accustomed to after having two losses.

In February, I got the flu. I went to the doctor to get it confirmed. I thought that would be the one hiccup for this pregnancy. I was down and out for about 2 weeks but recovered just fine. My toddler had some sort of little virus for about a week at the same time as me. She tested negative for the flu thankfully, but what a week that was. Being sick with the flu while taking care of a sick toddler….I wouldn’t wish that scenario on my worst enemy!

Once March began, life decided to throw some uncertainty at me and the rest of the world. I am pregnant during a pandemic. I never imagined that would happen. Every time I turn on the news things seem to get worse. I have heard the hospitals around us are starting to fill up with coronavirus patients (even the one where I will be delivering) and I am due to give birth in 9 weeks, give or take a week. I have multiple family members in the medical field who I worry about daily, three of whom are in my immediate family (my dad and two of my brothers). And of course there isn’t enough data to show if the virus is particularly dangerous for pregnant women. Classic, not enough data for a subject in women’s health. I guess we should all be use to that.

Now how am I supposed to make myself believe certain things will be okay when the entire world is in a state of uncertainty?

I am trying even harder than usual to focus on the positives. I am grateful that I have already been a stay at home mom, so I was mentally ready for the quarantine period that they keep extending. I am putting extra focus into my daughter and really trying to emulate her carefree attitude. She is a joy and hardly ever gives us trouble. She is our rainbow baby and I am relishing in that fact. She is our sunshine every day in this gloomy time. My husband is able to work from home, so we aren’t being affected badly financially for the time being. With the elimination of his commute, he is able to spend more time with our daughter than he would during a normal week. And this pregnancy has gone smoothly thus far. Every time I feel this baby kick I am reminded that this new baby is another rainbow for us and for our families. This new baby will help maintain the light that my daughter currently provides. We’ll be going from coronavirus quarantine to newborn quarantine. I am grateful my hospital is currently allowing at least one person to be with me during delivery. I have seen on the news that in NY some hospitals were saying you wouldn’t be allowed to have anyone. I hope that changes for the women about to give birth soon. I can’t imagine going through delivery without my husband.

Experiencing miscarriage has helped me learn to find and focus on the certainties in an otherwise uncertain situation. I am certain that my husband and I will do everything we can to keep my daughter and new baby safe. I am certain my hospital and the brave staff members will do everything they can to ensure a safe delivery. I am certain that we will bring this new baby home to a happy, positive environment in this crazy uncertain time.

(Kids started putting rainbow pictures in their windows in the UK and US as a symbol of hope of better days ahead. Some families in my neighborhood did it the other day. My featured image is the rainbow we posted on our storm door.)

Category : Kate , Volunteer Bloggers

It’s Not Your Fault

“It’s not your fault.”

I remember that is what most people said to me when I revealed to them I had miscarried. My doctor was the first one to say it. It seems like a good thing to say and it is true. It isn’t our faults. Somehow, our bodies know to take control over a situation that isn’t going to work out.

It’s a good thing to say, doesn’t mean it’s easy to believe. I have blogged before about fault in miscarriage because I feel as though I still struggle with it. How can one not think it’s their fault? When something bad happens, we feel the need to find the source. In this case, I was the one carrying the babies, so, therefore, it’s my fault. It seems to make sense, but it’s the easy way out. 

A friend of mine recently sent me a Thought Catalog blog post regarding trauma. It starts out with “what happened to you is not your fault.” It details how we all have bad things happen to us, things that we never asked for or wanted. We are not to take responsibility for the loss, but we need to take responsibility for how we heal.

We are not responsible for what our bodies decide is good for us. As easy as it is to allow ourselves to slip into our grief and hide from the world, we need to take responsibility for our grief.

I don’t think I’ve ever heard it put that way, “healing is your responsibility. ” We have little control in terms of pregnancy. Yes, we make the decision to get pregnant. Sure, we eat well and take care of ourselves to ensure the baby is healthy, but overall, our bodies decide what will happen. Nature takes over. We surrender ourselves to chance. When these bad things happen though, we do have control over how we process it. Accepting this control and embracing this new understanding of what can happen can actually be a form of a gift. Sounds absurd to refer to a traumatic event as a gift. When my daughter was born, she was in the NICU for three days because she was exhibiting seizures. I blogged about this in a previous post. The seizures were caused by a stroke they think occurred at the time of delivery. She is doing very well now and has had no serious side effects, but 15 months later I am still blaming myself. Even though the doctor said, “It’s not your fault. It just happened.” I still struggle with placing blame on myself. 

When a traumatic event such as a miscarriage or any type of pregnancy loss occurs, we are faced with a decision to retreat or come out stronger. In an uncontrollable situation, the control we can take is over our journey of grief. It takes a lot of strength and inner peace to begin to accept our losses or bumps in the road as gifts. They are learning experiences that hopefully will make us better people. Isn’t that why God gives us challenges…so we can prove to ourselves that we can get back up and move forward?

Category : Kate , Volunteer Bloggers

The season of hope

The holiday season is a time to celebrate and be grateful. It’s a time to hold loved ones a little closer. Experiencing a holiday after a loss can be unbearable. I remember the Christmas after I had my second loss. My nieces and nephews surrounded me at Christmas dinner. As happy as I was to be with them, I couldn’t help my heart from aching. I could have had a baby at that dinner or I could have been pregnant. I can remember sneaking away from everyone to cry alone. I really distanced myself from my family that holiday and I regret that. I regret not allowing myself to be open about how I was feeling with those I held closest. I let my own sadness and guilt keep me from the comfort of my family. It can be so hard to want to be jolly when your whole spirit feels like it’s been stepped on, but it’s so important to try and lean on those who love you. It makes the holiday season easier.

This year I am particularly grateful for my rainbow baby, Lucy. I am grateful for my husband, who has been steadily by my side through our journey. I am grateful for my new pregnancy. This is my fourth pregnancy. I am sixteen weeks pregnant and so far everything is progressing okay. As it progresses, I try to focus on being grateful for what I have gained without forgetting what I have lost.

I pray for those experiencing loss this season. I pray you have people who will allow you to wear your heart on your sleeve. I pray that you can find the strength to keep moving forward.

Just allow yourself to be submerged in the spirit of the season. It’s the season of hope, love, and the prospect of new beginnings.

Category : Kate , Volunteer Bloggers