In mid February, I found out I was pregnant again. After I took the test, a wave of excitement and fear washed over me. I didn’t fully believe it at first. When I told my husband, he was so excited. The glow of his smile warmed my heart. One of the first things I said was, “Don’t get too excited. We know what can go wrong. I need to take another test to make sure.” I feel badly that one of my first reactions after sharing the news with him was a negative reaction. Thankfully, he is so understanding of how I feel.
I took another test that night and it was positive. The next day I called the doctor’s office. I wanted to be proactive and know what my steps were considering my history. They measured my hCG and progesterone levels. Everything was rising! Those first few weeks were scary. In the back of my mind, I was convinced something was going to go wrong. I hate that I felt that way, but I couldn’t help myself. Week 5 (a week after I found out I was pregnant), I woke up feeling different. I couldn’t fully explain it, but I just felt strange. I convinced myself that I was going to miscarry. I called the doctor that afternoon, explaining that I felt different. I noticed my chest wasn’t as tender. That was one of the warning signs from my 2nd miscarriage. The nurse explained that symptoms would wax and wane with pregnancy. While I understood, I wasn’t totally convinced. I work in a doctor’s office, so I had the lab draw my blood and test my HcG and progesterone.
My hCG was fine, but my progesterone had dropped since the week prior! I was frantic. I had read that a simple reason for miscarriages could be progesterone issues. Once again, I called the doctor’s office. The nurse asked why I had my progesterone level checked because they typically do not follow it after the first workup. I said I figured it would be good to check since I had no definitive reason for my miscarriages and I had read low progesterone does cause them. She told me they don’t often treat for low progesterone, but taking a supplement wouldn’t hurt, so she prescribed me progesterone 200mg. I was instructed to take it until week 12.
As I write this, I am in my fifteenth week of pregnancy. I’ve completed the first trimester and I’m just five weeks away from the halfway point. This new territory is exciting, even the morning sickness and nausea. I remembered these feelings from the first time I got pregnant. Each morning, just like the first time, I woke up feeling so nauseous and it carried on through much of the day. I have never been happier to feel sick! The nausea has eased up as I have entered the 2nd trimester. I have a little belly showing and my appetite has increased. I have had 3 ultrasounds since mid February. My little one is growing right on schedule! I’m so glad I was proactive. Who knows, it could have been the low progesterone the first two times.
I have thought about how I would feel once I got pregnant again. I thought my fears and sadness would instantly disappear and I would be back on cloud 9. While I am SO excited and hopeful, good ol’ grief is still hanging around. It is easier now to focus on what WILL be rather than what COULD have been. But the feelings do conflict from time to time. As I have said before, it’s like I want to move on, but I don’t want myself to forget at the same time. I try to take it one day at a time now, treating each day my baby grows as a blessing. I am aware of what can go wrong, but I am trying to focus on what is going right each day.
One thing that has struck me since telling people of my pregnancy is, people often ask if this is my first and I respond yes. But it isn’t my first. This is my third pregnancy. What if I were to tell them, well, no this is my third pregnancy, my first two were miscarriages. How would they react? I feel strong enough to write about my journey, why is it often a struggle to talk about it out loud? Maybe speaking about it out loud makes it more real and upsetting. I am still working on that part of the process.
Being the month of Mother’s Day, I feel as though I have been extra emotional. I think about last Mother’s Day when I was still getting over my first miscarriage and my second one was soon to come, and now this year I’m in my second trimester. I think about all the current mothers, those are who are still longing to be mothers, those who have lost babies, and those who are pregnant. I pray for all these women and I hope we find solace in sharing our stories and leaning on one another. We are stronger together.
My hope for this little one growing inside me now is that he or she will continue to provide me peace with my feelings, as I continue to be a warm, loving place for he or she to grow for the remainder of the pregnancy.