Category Archives: Paul

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5 Ways to Start Communicating After A Loss

Ever talk to an animal and expect a response? Like the Zebra is going to say “Hey Chuck, thanks for being here. The reenactment of the Lion King scene is at 2, get there early it fills up quick”? This is the argument I have with my Mom whenever she signs to gorillas in ASL at any zoo we go to. However, there will always be a barrier between that animal and you, no matter how hard you try. Maybe, this is why after our first loss it was so hard for me to communicate with Sara, because it felt like there was this barrier that seemed insurmountable.

In reality, it was more because we were both underwater and we couldn’t truly understand each other, but we were saying the same thing. So how do you communicate after a loss? While not perfect here are some things that worked for us.

Counseling: It really helped to be in a setting where we could work on the mechanics of our communication. While yes getting the emotions out is important, getting the top off the jar, really changes the function of the jar. Try to find one that specializes in grief, or even in interpersonal communication.

Find thunder buddies: Find a couple or a group who has gone through a similar loss and feel comfortable speaking about. It was so helpful to come together to speak to another couple in a group dynamic and more one on one. Then come back as a couple and debrief. Often times Sara and I would share easier when we could phrase similar feelings expressed by our friends.

Non-verbal: Rub shoulders, hug tighter, hold hands, or even use facial expressions to communicate. I have a really hard time shutting up so this is tough for me. After our first loss, sometimes Sara didn’t want to talk. Rubbing her shoulders or hugging her tighter allowed me to feel if her back had knots which means stress and this information helped me create a less stressful environment.

Laugh: Watch stupid movies, go to a comedy club, go to a concert, and just laugh. While you may feel guilty those moments during a tough time will allow much-needed levity.

Acknowledge and reaffirm roles in the loss: It is so easy to want to point fingers, to feel guilt and shame. However, it is essential to talk about the roles in the loss. Start by speaking to your doctor as a couple. Get the facts. Then try to talk about your role in that fact, not your role in that feeling. This doesn’t assign blame but instead gives an opportunity to grow together out of the swamp.

Finally, one more, which technically makes this 6… don’t forget to say “ I love you” because truly, in the end, you can hear that and feel that from miles and miles away and no matter how deep underwater you might feel.

Category : Paul , Volunteer Bloggers


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What Am I Doing Here?

It’s a question that I’ve asked a lot over the years.  I’ll admit sometimes, more than others, mostly in college, I truly had no clue. Most of the time I can answer that question with the simple answer of “Yeah, I probably shouldn’t have said/done that.”

On that summer day, as I sat in silence with my wife, on that hillside, under a small tree which seemed to give just enough shade just for Sara and myself, I asked myself quietly “What am I doing here?”

We sat silently watching people’s lives continue as our lives were changing.  We tried to reason and answer the question with short bursts of denial. “Well, we have one more blood test to check numbers!” “The doctor didn’t say that the baby wasn’t actually not viable!” In the end, the truth was…I was there, we were there because we had a miscarriage.

There is no reason for that moment, to that destination. It’s a place that has no real answer. Because “here” after a loss is relative. It’s nowhere, it’s everywhere, and my experience was completely different than Sara’s because, well, she was having a separate experience of that same loss.

It’s that fog that created so many issues after our first loss. It tripped us up. We retreated to our corners, to find our own answer to “What am I doing here?” That isolation is a terrible place to be. It took me so long to talk to someone, it took me so long to reach out to other men who also had a miscarriage, it took me too long to recognize my wife’s own issues and needs. All because I was asking “What am I doing here” and not seeing the truth of the situation which is “We are here.”

It sucks, but it’s true. We are here. We are in a horrible club, bonded by grief yet we are here, cemented in the strength, together. It’s maybe not the answer to the “What”, the “How”, the “When”, the “Why” but it is the answer to the “Who”.  We.

Through The Heart is a wonderful resource for the We. I feel grateful that I will be able to share with you my story, my thoughts, my experiences, through my lens and I look forward to growing in 2019 through yours.

Category : Paul , Volunteer Bloggers


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If you've come to this blog, it likely means you have suffered a pregnancy loss of some type. We are so sorry you have found yourself here, but hope the stories of life after loss can help you on your road to healing and recovery. Remember, we are all in this together!

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