Category Archives: Tracy

Speaking My Truth In My Own Words

At the start of this month, Chrissy Teigen shared with the world the loss of her son at 20 weeks. She literally posted black and white photos, speaking truth to her experience. Photos that spoke volumes without any words with her face wet with tears and grimaced in pain.  Prior to this painful loss, she has been vocal about her fertility treatment in the past, but what was different about this pregnancy was it was unexpected for the couple. She conceived naturally. She recently revealed her pregnancy joy with us on social media. She is high risk so she was on bed rest. She was very in tune with her medical needs and following doctor’s orders. But even when we do our best to protect the life inside of us, our journey takes another turn towards a path of loss and pain.

I learned a lot about pregnancy on my fertility journey, and one profound fact is that there is still mystery in conception. It is true that so much medical advancements have been made in this field, but there is still so much to research and discover about conception and pregnancy. When I was actively going through treatment, I had to free up my schedule. I had to be ready when my body was ready, when that one follicle released an egg. My doctor told me that there is a 24 hour window and if missed, we go back to the drawing board. And even if we do it right, checking off everything on the to-do list, it’s a 2 week waiting game. If the egg and sperm fertilize, there is no way of knowing if the fertilized egg will implant and if my body will accept it or reject it. And if after the two week wait reveals a negative beta test, there is still the unknown of the why.

When I had my son, I recall people telling me that my efforts would improve on conceiving the next one. That somehow the flood gates would open up and I would become a baby factory. I made a quick decision after my son’s birth not to start birth control and let nature happen. Unfortunately, after a year, I did not conceive on my own and had to return to Shady Grove Fertility. This is referred to as secondary infertility. This time my doctor focused on treating PCOS and within a few months, I was pregnant. This was exciting news and it came right before Christmas. I remember when I went in after the new year for our 6 week ultrasound. We heard the heartbeat, but I do recall that there was a readjustment on the conception date because the fetus measured smaller. But other than that, we left the appointment elated. At our scheduled 10 week appointment, unfortunately, there was no heartbeat and there was very little growth from the previous appointment. This is referred to as spontaneous abortion. My body detected something was wrong. We opted out of the culture test to determine “the why”, but I recall for several days Googling possible reasons why I miscarried. Along the way, I started to focus on my loss and how to grieve.

No one has the answers. Not Politicians. Not Doctors. Not Google. There is not one experience. We have to share our journeys both good and painful so that we can be treated with respect and compassion. In my experience, I felt in control of my body and my decisions, and I was surrounded with a strong support system that included my doctors, family, and friends. Right now I empathize with Chrissy and the loss of her son Jack, and I pray that she will find peace within her pain and find strength and support from her family and friends.

Category : Tracy , Volunteer Bloggers

I choose better

I am not okay. I am struggling right now in my spirit. For 6 months I have been in lock down because I am doing my part, making the sacrifices, and compromising my life to help eradicate COVID19, but it is NOT making a dent in this pandemic as the community infection rates rise. Prior to COVID19, I had a plan. After years of contemplating going back to school, I took the leap of faith, submitted my resume and accepted a new position. I was able to finally enroll in an online Masters degree program I have contemplated for a few years now. I felt at ease with my youngest son turning one and my oldest son in Pre-Kindergarten, things were moving along as planned with the goal to finish my program in the spring of 2021. And then COVID19 hit our country. And now I am scrambling to keep my work, family and school obligations from crashing down on me. This is not fair! I feel like no one cares nor is listening to me.

Similarly, I know that many came into the new year with plans to start a family or resume fertility treatment or try again after a pregnancy loss. Many of these plans have been placed in jeopardy or on hold because of COVID19. For many who were due this year, added stress of the unknown caused concern about pregnancy and delivery care. And for those who went through a pregnancy loss, the isolation added more weight to the loss without the comfort of friends and family. Too many unknown variables contributed to anxiety and depression. My mental state is fried. When I think I see a light at the end of the tunnel, it turns out just to be a firefly and I am still surrounded by darkness. One day its like this country takes one step forward to then takes five steps backwards. It is infuriating. It maddens me.

When the anxiety is too much and I have exploded in complete delirium, when I finally am able to calm the rage inside my spirit, the compassion and love for my family and friends resurface. I recalibrate because when one goes through pain and suffering we are never the same coming out of the fire. The hope is that we are refined, made better because of the pain. For me, this life season is hurtful and I want to change and be a better mother, wife, daughter, sister, friend, and neighbor. I want to be a better global citizen. I truly hope that as a country we can empathize with each other and not only help each other up, but carry the burden because the struggle is real. The pain is real. And it is how we come out of the fire that will redefine us as a country. How you come out of your pain, your struggle, your loss will set the course we walk down and hopefully it will be for better days.

Category : Tracy , Volunteer Bloggers

Until We Meet Again Grandma

My grandmother passed away on June 6th, 2020. She was 91 years young. She was a God-fearing woman and she spent her entire life serving the Lord and taking care of her family. She raised 3 boys and 3 girls, and had a hand in all of her 18 grandchildren’s upbringings. She has been present in my life from day one. She took me to school. She cooked for me. She cared for me when I was sick. Beside Bible stories, she loved watching the Honeymooners, Matlock, Murder She Wrote, Cojack and Columbo. The classics. Sometimes we would catch a late late movie and watch it together. She talked through the whole movie, trying to guess what would happen next and how it would end. Other than that, she rarely talked about her life. Every so often she would let something slip, but you had to be alert to pick up on it.

As I sit here now and think about her life, she loved children. Not only did she raise her children and her grandchildren, she was a care taker for other families while I was growing up. Every day was Sunday school with her. She sang hymns and taught bible stories. She was a patient and faithful woman. She took her time to care for those in her care. She put her whole heart into it with no complaint.

Many years ago, she shared with me that she had 7 kids. One passed away after birth. I do not recall the details that surrounded the baby’s death i.e. stillbirth, premature birth, but I remember she shared this detail of her life with me. I wonder how she coped. But as I write this and think about it, I know that she would have said to me that she found comfort and peace in God. But I know that she went through that alone. She did not have best friends. She did not have tea parties and get togethers with the girls. She focused on God and family. I know part of this was of her generation and another part of her relationship with God. As woman there is so much we hide from the world. We internalize so much pain and yet smile to the world. To know her and her love for children, I know this was a painful experience, but you would have never known it unless you asked. But she truly had a strong faith that I know she found comfort in her pain. She lived her life in so much love and joy, trying to raise all the children in her care with love, grace and understanding.

There was a time that I did not want children. I did not know how to define family. I was completely tainted by life’s hard balls. I was bruised and hurt by disappointments and abandonment. But when I met my husband, his upbringing was hard and yet he reminded me of my grandmother, someone who did not let life’s hard balls keep him down or destroy his spirit. Being around him, I saw how loving he was to his nieces and nephews, and even his coworker’s kid – he dressed up like Spiderman, climbed over the fence and  and surprised him at his birthday party. I trusted him and our strong foundation helped us get through hard times together.

There is never a parental manual you get with a child or motherhood. Lucky for me, I had a grandmother who was the best care taker. Her strength and compassion about people especially children runs through my veins. As a woman she experienced so much from losing a child to losing her husband to cancer at a young age to take care of her family as the matriarch for the last 35 years. Through the highs and lows, she continued to press forward on her life journey always praying, singing and witnessing. I realize that everyone has a different coping mechanism and it is important to have one in place so we can get through the hard times so I encourage you to review your own coping mechanism and make sure it can help you get through life’s heartaches. My grandmother was a beacon of light her entire life and I will lean on her strength and teachings to help me continue my life journey.

Category : Tracy , Volunteer Bloggers

A pregnancy loss becomes part of you

No matter at what stage a woman has a miscarriage, the experience is very profound and should not be diminished or dismissed. It remains present in situations when she misses a period or spots unexpectedly. Any deviation from a “normal” cycle, automatically my mind questions, “Am I experiencing a miscarriage?” Since the birth of my second child, I decided not to use birth control. I have PCOS, which contributes to my periods being irregular and heavy. I track my period and it’s on its own schedule now so I am pretty comfortable with my “normal” cycle. Except last month.

When I miscarried three years ago, my body was still in pregnancy mode. I selected to take the pills and let my body naturally remove the baby. Even with my experience with PCOS, this experience was very painful, excessive, and long, but I endured through it. Once my body recuperated, I continued on my fertility journey. But the experience never leaves you and it manifested into anxiety and paranoia during my entire pregnancy. There was a time I didn’t feel any movement and I panicked and went straight to the doctor’s office. When they did the ultrasound, the tech said he was turned away from my belly, mostly towards the bottom of my back, and moving around just fine. Even after the birth of my second son, it’s a lingering feeling. A brief prick in my spirit from time to time.

But last month, while cooking, out of nowhere, I started to bleed profusely and the cramping soon followed. This is not my normal. I know my body. This is not right. I did not share my initial fears with my husband until the third day as I was balled up in a fetal position on the bed. Normally I would have called my doctor and scheduled an urgent appointment, but due to COVID19, my anxiety of the outdoors and unknown froze me. I was scared. Finally I told my husband that I was going through a similar experience like when I miscarried. Being supportive, he said to call the doctor in the morning and he slipped in if it is a miscarriage, he doesn’t want to know. He is so sensitive. I know that was his fears talking.

So in the morning, I spoke with one of the nurses and she advised me to come in asap. She went over the protocols in place that I will need to follow: arrive early, come alone, and wear a mask. When I arrived, I wore my mask and latex gloves. At the pre-check in, my temperature was taken and I answered some preliminary questions. Given the green light to go into the office, I checked in and was immediately seen. After some lab work and an ultrasound, my diagnosis is fibroids. Definitely a concern to address, but I was relieved and I called my husband from the car when I left.

I share this story, although somewhat TMI, I think it’s important that we stay vocal about our health, women’s health. Before my afternoon visit, I told my coworker I was logging off early to go to the doctor and afterwards, I informed her of my diagnosis and opened up with my initial concern that I thought it may be a miscarriage. She then confessed to me that that possibility crossed her mind when I first told her because she too had experienced a miscarriage. Another layer peeled back as we continue to learn more about each other. And this is not my first time sharing an experience with another woman and finding out that we have pregnancy loss in common. It brings a sense of intimacy within a relationship, a heightened level of compassion and trust.

With the added level of social distancing and quarantine, do not allow it to bury you further into aloofness. Pick up the phone. Set up a video chat. Write in a journal. Chat with a friend. Talk with your spouse. Call your doctor. Just don’t stay silent whether in your sadness or pain. Life is still happening to and around us. Every day we are getting older and our bodies are changing. Continue to listen to your bodies and take care. Stay safe.

Category : Tracy , Volunteer Bloggers

Truth is Revealed in the Unknown

I just completed 4 weeks in quarantine with two small boys under 5 while working full time from home. This past Thursday my eldest and I were butting heads all day that by mid afternoon we both needed a time out and I logged off and went to sleep during quiet time. When I woke up I felt like the worst mom for not being able to stay calm and collected while my son had a meltdown. And who can blame him? I think we are all on edge.

Later that night, while video chatting with my sister, she said my hair looked like the Mad Hatter from Alice and Wonderland and I replied, “It surely does feel like I am in a rabbit hole, going deeper and deeper with no end in sight.” There are many rabbit holes that we find ourselves in at different points in our life. In most cases, we are alone in the darkness, but this global COVID-19 pandemic has swallowed us whole and we are all trying to navigate this “new” landscape together. But for some of us, the struggle is ongoing and the pandemic just heightened or resurfaced many of the inequalities and social injustices that are felt and experienced on a regular basis, especially in healthcare.

When my husband and I decided to start our family and realized that after a year of trying unsuccessfully we needed to consult with a professional, his insurance provided infertility coverage. Throughout our seven years of seeking medical help to conceive, I was one of the lucky ones not to have to add the burden of finances to the pile of disappointment, embarrassment, anxiety and loss, just to name a few. But there are many families who do not have the health insurance coverage or finances to pursue this option. I wonder how many started on this path last month just to be laid off and lose the very medical coverage that would help them possibly get close to their dream of conceiving? Or the couple that finally made the decision to pursue fertility treatment just to be faced with another obstacle, COVID-19. Or the woman who after grieving a loss decided to get back up and try again only to lose coverage. It is concerning that just a month in quarantine wiped out 3 years of national employment growth and crippled many health systems. When we live in silos, we cannot see that our pain is shared among millions day to day and this crisis has lifted the curtains exposing a broken system.

For many of us who have experienced a pregnancy loss, it is a silent grieving process even among couples. When there was no heartbeat, I asked how long ago did it stop. The doctor told us maybe a week or more. There was very little growth from the last visit. I chose to take the pills and induce my body to remove my lifeless pregnancy. This was a Friday. And I took the pills that weekend and by Monday I was back at work. Life did not stop. There was no pause. There was no reset button. Plus my eldest son’s birthday was in a week and we decided to move forward with plans for a small get together and a trip to the aquarium.

I look back now and I think I wanted to stay distracted to not focus on what just happened. In our society, we live in the fast lane, working 60+ hours, trying to make that money to enjoy a better life. But when will that ever happen if we cannot slow down and just breathe? On his birthday we went to the aquarium and we were rushing to get back home to be there when the first guest arrived, but we needed to pick up the pizza and the cake. By the time we got to the house, I was completely overstimulated and exhausted and my husband exploded and I went upstairs and just started to cry. Our family and friends were downstairs, unaware of the hurt I was hiding and my husband found me and through the tears I told him how I felt in that moment. We held each other and in our pain we found strength to go back downstairs and celebrate my son’s 2nd birthday.

During this quarantine I realized that we cannot go back to the old normal. We must be able to redefine and modify our existence to address the everyday human realities that we encounter like pregnancy loss. We should be able to grieve. We should be able to take bereavement. We should be able to afford fertility treatment. It is important that we reveal our truths during this time. All the energy it takes to “hide” parts of our lives are now exposed. Our vulnerabilities are uniting us. Our creativity is moving us forward. For me writing and drawing are wonderful outlets to give a voice to an experience or emotion. Taking pictures and videos capture the now and can speak to me differently at each viewing. During this time, it is a challenge to grieve without physical touch, but let’s use our other senses to express our feelings and capture the hearts of many and stay connected. For positive change to happen, we must be accountable for each other. We must take care of each other. We must embrace our joys and heartache together and recognize that when we bind together, our collective strength can move mountains.

Category : Tracy , Volunteer Bloggers

Standing Tall Through it All

For the last 5 years, I have worked from home and in the beginning it was a big shift from office life, but as I gradually adjusted to this new norm, I used this opportunity to review my work habits. I finally came to terms that I am bad at time management and I cannot multitask. I also realized that after 15 years, I need to really think about what the next 10 to 20 years in my professional life will look like and its time for me to take control. For a long time, I have regretted some life choices and felt disappointed that I did not stay true to my childhood dreams. But I don’t believe in coincidences so how can I align my life’s past, present and future?

I believe that I must be proactive in my blessings. So last October, I finally made the decision to enroll in a Master’s in Health Administration online program. With the support of my husband, I juggle being a mom, a student and a full time employee (oh yes, and wife). After the first quarter, I learned a lot about myself as an adult student like I cannot study late at night because I am dead tired with a lingering headache in the mornings (how did I stay up for days during finals week in college???). But I fell rejuvenated in my passions. And I am starting to feel confident in my knowledge and submitted work. I still need to develop a better study routine and habit, but I do give myself a few days to write a few drafts before I submit my assessments. One step at a time.

With all this on my plate, having another child does cross my mind. It’s now or never. At 40 I am only adding more anxiety and risks to my plate. My mother told me the other day I should just relax and enjoy watching the boys grow up. And I thought, she is right. Life threw me a curve ball when I started my own family and I would never do anything different because it strengthened my relationship with my husband and gave us a testimony despite our miscarriage, so I believe that where I am in my life is exactly where I need to be so I will make the best, tastiest lemonade out of these lemons. My oldest son is a few months away from graduating from pre-kindergarten. My youngest son is growing into his own little person. God has truly found favor over my life and I will continue to believe in Him. I can breathe and be still in this calm.

Where I am today took a lot of detours. Before I met my husband, I attended a bible study on Experiencing God and it revealed to me that the most important relationship is my relationship with God because it mirrors my relationship with myself and others. This crushed me because I was not taking care of myself and the relationships around me were in turmoil. I could no longer be aloof but actively present in my own destiny and instead of fear, have faith that I can morph into God’s adorned purpose for my life. Time is not against us, but works with us. Use it to your advantage and do what you have always wanted to do. Make that career change. Trust your inner talents and pick up a paintbrush and start creating your masterpiece. Share with the world your passions. Share your story. Your rebirth can help someone desperately waiting on proof that strength, patience and endurance can change the course of one’s life.

In tragedy and loss, I have learned that there are so many emotions that can either fuel us to action or paralyze us in place. Every emotion is important and as painful as it may be we need to embrace them all. We need to grieve and keeping moving. We need to cry and still console a friend. We need to laugh when watching our favorite sitcom. We need to listen when a loved one has a hard day. We need to pick up the phone and make connections. We need to breathe through the heartache. We need to keep moving to get to a brighter day and believe me they are there waiting for you.

Right now I am content and anxious about what upcoming opportunities are developing as I take control of my destiny’s narrative. I reflect on my pregnancy loss and how my recovery has led me here. I try to repurpose my pain into sharing my story and helping others around me to gain back a piece of my humanity. There will always be curve balls you will need to watch out for in life but how are you prepared to get through them? Are you going to panic and hide? Are you going to be selfish and hoard all the toilet paper? In times of hardship, our true selves will either shine or flicker. Right now is the time to show strength, compassion, integrity, and hope. We can no longer live with our heads down, but embrace our collective selves and build up our communities that are broken with poverty, homelessness, and hunger. We need to band together and promote women’s and reproductive health. We need to find our voice as citizens and demand better from our leaders. We cannot go back. We must move forward. Let’s take care of each other.

Category : Tracy , Volunteer Bloggers

The Next Journey is Brighter

“So this is what 40 looks like,” my mother said sarcastically in shock when I walked through the door with a new nose piercing. She didn’t press the issue and we went about our evening as usual. For a long time I have contemplated getting a nose ring as a cultural symbol. In many Indian cultures a nose ring represents marriage and fertility. Since 2012, my husband, Anthony and I started our journey to parenthood and this path has brought us much joy in the mist of loss and hardships. So to commemorate my 40th birthday, I chose to set the stage for the next decade and start this chapter with me in control of my own narrative by doing something that marks a new path of renewal and rejuvenation within me.

For me, 2020 is a year of reflection and celebration. Ten years ago I met Anthony when I was in a place of heartache and brokenness. I had no clear vision of my future. I had lost hope in relationships and I was conflicted within myself. The first night we met, he told me that he was looking for his wife and mother of his kids. I quickly laughed and rolled my eyes because I had not imagined myself this way. In that moment I was emotionally drained and my dreams were mostly abstract. With my heart guarded, Anthony asked me to trust him in love and I gave it one more chance and took his hand and he has kept his promise to me ever since.

Anthony reads my blogs and I love how he embraces our family as a whole. Since I wrote about her namesake Genesis, Anthony refers to her by name now. It surprised me when he first said her name. To be honest, I have not said it outside of writing it because I didn’t know how it would sound, but Anthony just embraced what I was feeling and made it real by adapting it to our daily lives. And it does make me smile. Just by using her name, it encompasses our journey and shared experience between us. It has brightened a painful experience and it has definitely helped us move forward with healing. For two years I have postponed finishing a family tree mural in my son’s room, but now I have much more peace and plan to finish it. Now I have a place for her sonogram to be seen by everyone because it’s important that her existence as limited as it was on earth is acknowledged and included in our family tree.

I look around me and I am surrounded by so much love. Purposefully God has blessed me with boys and a dotting husband so I can experience love where I thought I was tainted and dishonest because of my insecurities of abandonment. I was scared to have a girl because I didn’t know if I could help her navigate this world, but I know now that she would have the love and protection of her father and brothers and I feel at ease knowing that she would be loved and know true love from her conception.

For some months now I have contemplated whether we should try again for another child. What is my motivation to have another child? I remember when I scheduled my c-section for my second son I was asked if I wanted to tie my tubes and I said no because I feel a sense of guilt for finally being blessed with children. Is it wrong of me to feel like I am ready to move on and revert this energy to my own self care now? This sounds selfish to me like I am somehow disappointing women who are currently struggling with infertility and loss. My thoughts are flooded with questions. Does it mean if I move on that I am turning away from or trying to forget my own pregnancy loss? Why am I relating loss with not living? At what point is it okay to move forward and start living in comfort and peace?

For me it is important to share my story. It is amazing to me how many women have experienced pregnancy loss and infertility and yet our voices are mute in the public health discourse. I reflect on my journey and it fuels me to help those around me. Maybe its a comforting word, a listening ear or using my voice and platform to advance the conversation on women’s health and our well being. There is so much more that needs to be done and maybe that is where I can be useful and channel my energy.

My health is important. I am 40 now and I need to take care of me. Having another child does not change that fact. So my goal is to take care of me so that I can be the best version of me for me and my boys (hubby included). I want to experience their own growth and grow as a family in our experiences together and as individuals. I want to concentrate on their milestones and focus on their individual needs. And most importantly, start taking care of me. I am taking it one day at a time and each day brings new revelations. I am excited for what this new decade has in store for me and my life view is much more clearer.

Category : Tracy , Volunteer Bloggers