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Controlling what I can

I’ve recently accepted the fact that when it comes to TTC, you have no control. There are illusions of control, but when it comes down to it, there’s nothing you can do that will 100% determine the outcome.

For a control freak like me, this is something hard to handle.

I’ve spent a lot of time over the past 3+ years trying to not only control, but make sense of something that really is illogical. We know the process that needs to happen and yet there ends up being so many factors that can change things, sometimes factors you’d never even imagine.  What works for one person doesn’t work for another; what looks like perfect timing can be a failure and what seems impossible can actually happen.

Lately I’ve been grasping for control in many aspects of my life only to find myself falling down a black hole of helplessness. I’ve been fervently applying for jobs to no avail. I’ve been taken off my teaching assignment despite a fantastic term in order to bring in new blood to pad the adjunct pool. I even had a mini (ok major) freakout over the weekend in regards to Through the Heart when I realized that the demand for our programs is far outpacing the funding.

I’ve been stressing myself out with the constant worry and scrambling to try and “fix” every aspect of my life and so I’ve decided to take a step back and focus on what I can control: myself. I’ve done a good job of sticking with my exercise routine and goal of making it to the gym 4 times a week. I want to appreciate the weekend mornings of sleeping in, the date nights with my husband, and the ability to spend time with family & friends. I want to be happy and live life as it is right now. No looking forward, or backward, or trying to figure things out. Everything will play out the way it does regardless of my worrying or attempts to control. I can try my best to increase the odds for a favorable outcome but understand that’s really all I can do.

What do you do to stay in control?

Category : Karen , Staff/Board Members

About Author

Karen Kelly

Hello! I'm Karen Kelly, co-founder of Through the Heart. My journey started in 2013 when I lost my daughter at 20 weeks into my pregnancy. I experienced 2 more losses along the way and have used this blog as an outlet for a lot of random thoughts and emotions. I hope that you find it helpful. Feel free to reach out at kkelly@throughtheheart.org if I can help in any way!

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If you’ve come to this blog, it likely means you have suffered a pregnancy loss of some type. We are so sorry you have found yourself here, but hope the stories of life after loss can help you on your road to healing and recovery. Remember, we are all in this together!

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