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Even the strong are weak sometimes

On Wednesday, I had a surgery post-op appointment. I found out that while my surgery went well, my situation is more complicated than originally thought.

Once the tissue mass was removed, my doctor found a ton of scarring on my uterus. One tube was completely blocked and the other partially blocked, which was surprising considering they were both open when I had a HSG in June. She was able to remove about ¾ of the scar tissue while in the OR.

So in the office the other day I had to have another hysteroscopy to try and remove more of it. There was also some new scar tissue that had built from the surgery which she was able to easily remove. I had to get a local anesthetic for all of this (not expecting this) and a blood vessel in my cervix burst creating a ton of bleeding. (Why is nothing ever easy?)

So now I go for another HSG, then after that I have another office hysteroscopy. If the tube is still blocked I’ll likely have to have another surgery in the OR. If it’s clear, then we can move forward and she will just make sure that no new scar tissue develops.

The good news is we’re making progress, the bad news is there is no end in sight. Right now we don’t know our timeframe, our chances for success, or if my uterus will ever stop scarring over.

do anythingI’m tired and yet this is only the beginning. I don’t want to think or care about this anymore. Everyone always tells me how strong I am and how I will get through this and everything will work out but I don’t want to have to be strong. I want to whine and feel sorry for myself but I feel that in doing so, I’d be letting people down. I’m the one who always helps others and is the model of how to handle a tough situation but I’m realizing I just can’t do it all the time.

After my appointment on Wednesday I was feeling emotional and slightly lightheaded from the anesthesia. I spent 10 minutes sobbing in a public bathroom stall trying to figure out what to do. I thought about calling a friend but how do you have such a personal conversation in a public space? And then I told myself to just get over it, that I was being dramatic and this was not a big enough deal to burden anyone with.

I want to be able to talk about this without coming across as a drama queen which is what I fear. I know that each step individually isn’t the end of the world but combined together, it’s becoming overwhelming. I know that for the most part, I will continue to be strong, because honestly I don’t know how to act otherwise. But sometimes, all I need is for someone to just commiserate with me and agree that this really sucks.

And maybe yell and break things with me.

Category : Karen , Staff/Board Members


About Author

Karen Kelly

Hello! I'm Karen Kelly, co-founder of Through the Heart. My journey started in 2013 when I lost my daughter at 20 weeks into my pregnancy. I experienced 2 more losses along the way and have used this blog as an outlet for a lot of random thoughts and emotions. I hope that you find it helpful. Feel free to reach out at kkelly@throughtheheart.org if I can help in any way!

5 Comments

Stacey

February 21, 2015 at 12:36 pm

Our personal situations are so different, yet so similar. I have not been able to carry a viable pregnancy as of yet with no known reason. I just lose them every time. And I feel a lot like you, that I have to be the strong one. I finally gave up trying after my 3rd loss without, yet again, a medical reason for why it happened.

I let people know when I’m frustrated, or hopeless, or just livid at the world because of my situation. Some friends may find me whiney, but they’ve never told me. I’ve mostly been met with encouragement and effort to try to understand what I’m going through. It’s been liberating to just be what I feel and say what I think.

    Karen Kelly

    February 21, 2015 at 2:58 pm

    Stacey, I’m so glad that you’ve found “letting it out” to be a positive experience! I’m really going to make an effort to let others be there for me even when I’m not sure what I need – sometimes just knowing someone is there can make a difference and I have to remember that.

Donna

February 21, 2015 at 2:18 pm

Karen, I too was where you are, a long time ago. Due to the results of an emergency surgery for an ectopic pregnancy, I was told later, that they had to remove my left fallopian tube along with my baby and that the right one was full of blood due to bleeding internally. So the doctor decided to open up the right tube and clear out the blood and stitch it back together. Several months later I had a hysterosalpinogram and the tube was barely open. Six months later at a specialist, it was completely closed. The doctor’s decision to open the tube caused it to scar over and turn up towards my stomach lining. I had to have another surgery to put it back where it was supposed to be and open the end. There was a greater chance of having another ectopic but we tried anyway. Months later I did give up. I felt like a failure, that my body was fighting me every step of the way. I felt like I failed my husband who wanted to be a father and our parents who wanted to be grandparents. But I came to a point of acceptance after a lot of self-reflection, praying, and talking to some caring friends who let me cry and whine when I needed to, that my body could not take any more. We had tried almost everything, but I could still be a mother, we could still be parents. I would just have to look into other means of making that dream happen. I wish you well with your journey. Remember to take time for yourself to digest all your emotions and cry if you need to. You and your hormones are going through a trauma right now. Take some time to have fun with your husband and be kind to yourself.

    Karen Kelly

    February 21, 2015 at 3:00 pm

    Thanks Donna, isn’t it crazy what our bodies have to go through sometimes? It doesn’t seem fair and yet there’s really no way to avoid it unless we completely give up. Sometimes that seems tempting but I know that if I ever did give up, I’d never forgive myself down the road. I don’t want to have any regrets and I have to remember that!

Donna

February 23, 2015 at 5:23 pm

Yes that’s what I meant Karen. I dealt with infertility for about four years before my daughter was born through In-Vitro. As women, because it is our body, we are the only ones that know how much we can endure as far as infertility goes. Everybody is different. I knew one woman who went through about four IVF attempts, and miscarriages before adopting. I could only handle two. Hopefully, for you, this surgery will be all that you need and God will bless you and your husband with a miracle baby!

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