Even the strong are weak sometimes
On Wednesday, I had a surgery post-op appointment. I found out that while my surgery went well, my situation is more complicated than originally thought.
Once the tissue mass was removed, my doctor found a ton of scarring on my uterus. One tube was completely blocked and the other partially blocked, which was surprising considering they were both open when I had a HSG in June. She was able to remove about ¾ of the scar tissue while in the OR.
So in the office the other day I had to have another hysteroscopy to try and remove more of it. There was also some new scar tissue that had built from the surgery which she was able to easily remove. I had to get a local anesthetic for all of this (not expecting this) and a blood vessel in my cervix burst creating a ton of bleeding. (Why is nothing ever easy?)
So now I go for another HSG, then after that I have another office hysteroscopy. If the tube is still blocked I’ll likely have to have another surgery in the OR. If it’s clear, then we can move forward and she will just make sure that no new scar tissue develops.
The good news is we’re making progress, the bad news is there is no end in sight. Right now we don’t know our timeframe, our chances for success, or if my uterus will ever stop scarring over.
I’m tired and yet this is only the beginning. I don’t want to think or care about this anymore. Everyone always tells me how strong I am and how I will get through this and everything will work out but I don’t want to have to be strong. I want to whine and feel sorry for myself but I feel that in doing so, I’d be letting people down. I’m the one who always helps others and is the model of how to handle a tough situation but I’m realizing I just can’t do it all the time.
After my appointment on Wednesday I was feeling emotional and slightly lightheaded from the anesthesia. I spent 10 minutes sobbing in a public bathroom stall trying to figure out what to do. I thought about calling a friend but how do you have such a personal conversation in a public space? And then I told myself to just get over it, that I was being dramatic and this was not a big enough deal to burden anyone with.
I want to be able to talk about this without coming across as a drama queen which is what I fear. I know that each step individually isn’t the end of the world but combined together, it’s becoming overwhelming. I know that for the most part, I will continue to be strong, because honestly I don’t know how to act otherwise. But sometimes, all I need is for someone to just commiserate with me and agree that this really sucks.
And maybe yell and break things with me.