It can be very difficult to cope with a loss, sometimes the grief overwhelms you and leaves you wondering how you will make it. Other times you feel like you are getting better and then feel guilty, like you are doing something wrong. Grief is so deep, so complex I honestly don’t think anyone fully understands it. It affects every part of our lives, every fiber of our being cries out for our lost loved ones.
I have grieved four losses, each one vastly different than the rest. I cannot move on without closure. It can be different for each of us. For me, with my most recent loss, my closure came unexpectedly. I needed to know I wasn’t alone in the fact that my baby wasn’t given a proper resting place, she was simply gone, and those few seconds I held her, were the first and last time I would have a chance to say goodbye.
I had so many regrets on how I spent those precious moments. I didn’t get to say anything meaningful, I didn’t get to fully comprehend the magnitude of that moment before she was swept away and I would never get to see her again. I spent that moment holding her and crying, the only words I spoke were to tell my husband that this tiny thing was our long hoped-for and much loved daughter. I don’t even know if he responded. I was lost in my own world of pain and horror.
Hours of labor, unbelievable pain and loss, I look back and think, was I in shock? Perhaps. A year later a fellow writer told me she too had the same thing happen and had also shared the same feelings that I had struggled so long with. The relief I felt was enormous. She went on to tell me it is very common from what she has found following her journey with loss. It didn’t mean I didn’t love her, it didn’t mean she never existed, and I wasn’t alone.
She will forever have my thanks for reaching out in the darkness and offering me this token of comfort. For the first time in a year, I felt at peace. It is not the first thing I think of when I think of her now and that alone has made such a difference in my life. I hope this helps others as it helped me.