Half Way There
I’m officially half way to my due date and things are going just as smoothly as they did the first time around. Most would say that’s a good thing, but I know all too well that it can go wrong. I do hope this pregnancy continues to go smoothly and my cautious optimism has convinced me that it will be smooth sailing.
At my last scan/genetic testing I felt overwhelmed with anxiety. I don’t often feel that way and it was strange. Of course due to Covid, you must go alone to appointments, which added to my anxiety. In my first pregnancy with Charlie I never had any doubts or anxieties at appointments and in the end he passed away. In this pregnancy every appointment is stressful as I wait for results. Once I get the “OK everything looks good,” I feel stupid for even stressing out about it to begin with. Just like my first pregnancy I feel very calm. I have nothing to do, but wait. The nursery has been ready since last September.
It seems like everyone is having babies due this winter. I keep telling myself that I’ve suffered enough, I’ve done my time, and this baby will live. Last year, life was great. It was like I just bought a ticket on the Titanic and it would be the journey of a lifetime. At the time, I didn’t realize the ship would sink and nearly everyone would die. There went all my hopes and dreams, and that wonderful nativity of a first time mom. I became a person who became a little jaded, a little angry, a little resentful. Those lovely qualities faded after some time, but never completely. I woke up one day and became a person who stopped waiting for the right time to do what I wanted.
My fiancé and I had been engaged for 6 months and had no real plans of marrying until Charlie died. That’s when it clicked, “What are you waiting for?” We planned a small ceremony with family and friends and made it official in May. We don’t wait to buy things we’ve always wanted. We are more patient and resilient. We try to enjoy life and we strive to live a better one every day.
Recently a few people at work have commended me on my resilience through a very hard year. So I told them that I can’t live my life in fear.
It’s scary to do this all over again when the first time didn’t pan out. A late term stillbirth is the worst thing for anyone to experience. It ruins every other moment with this new pregnancy because there is no point in this pregnancy that I won’t pass that I haven’t already passed. I will be induced no later than 37 weeks although I would much prefer 36 weeks and I will work to make that happen.
I’m half way there, glass half full.