Healing My Broken Heart: A Letter to my Baby in His First Weeks
It’s not your job to heal my broken heart, but being your mom is so healing. You are perfect to me. I’ve struggled with every single step of the journey to hold you: I couldn’t get pregnant, I couldn’t stay pregnant until you came along, and my body fought pregnancy at every turn. The hell of pregnancy after recurrent loss was palpable. From the scary first trimester bleeding to all day nausea throughout to gestational diabetes to meeting you 5 weeks early after the terror of preterm premature rupture of membranes – it felt like my body couldn’t do anything right. I wondered to myself repeatedly these past 4 years whether I just wasn’t meant to be a mother.
And then you arrived. From the first moment I saw you, it was clear that I was meant to be a mother, to be your mother. When I held you in my arms, it felt natural and right. That mother’s instinct people talk about kicked in and I just knew what to do. I didn’t have to second guess whether I was messing up because I knew somehow I was getting it right.
These first 8 weeks have cleansed parts of me I didn’t even realize were damaged by the grief and trauma of pregnancy loss. The completeness and wholeness I feel when I’m with you and the joy that pours out of the deepest corners of my heart are healing me little by little. I once thought all there would ever be was pain, but now the pain, while still real and present, has been dulled to live side by side with the immense happiness and peace I feel now that you’re here with us. Each day is better than the last.
That we get the chance to parent you and kiss your perfect, precious face and care for your every need in a way we never could with our other babies is the honor of my lifetime. Your soft breath in my ear and your little contented sighs fill up my heart. The way you look at me as only a baby looks at his mother, and how your face lights up in a giant smile when you see me. You are everything to me as I am to you. Welcome to the world, Julian. And welcome to a part of me that lay buried under grief for far too long.