I choose better
I am not okay. I am struggling right now in my spirit. For 6 months I have been in lock down because I am doing my part, making the sacrifices, and compromising my life to help eradicate COVID19, but it is NOT making a dent in this pandemic as the community infection rates rise. Prior to COVID19, I had a plan. After years of contemplating going back to school, I took the leap of faith, submitted my resume and accepted a new position. I was able to finally enroll in an online Masters degree program I have contemplated for a few years now. I felt at ease with my youngest son turning one and my oldest son in Pre-Kindergarten, things were moving along as planned with the goal to finish my program in the spring of 2021. And then COVID19 hit our country. And now I am scrambling to keep my work, family and school obligations from crashing down on me. This is not fair! I feel like no one cares nor is listening to me.
Similarly, I know that many came into the new year with plans to start a family or resume fertility treatment or try again after a pregnancy loss. Many of these plans have been placed in jeopardy or on hold because of COVID19. For many who were due this year, added stress of the unknown caused concern about pregnancy and delivery care. And for those who went through a pregnancy loss, the isolation added more weight to the loss without the comfort of friends and family. Too many unknown variables contributed to anxiety and depression. My mental state is fried. When I think I see a light at the end of the tunnel, it turns out just to be a firefly and I am still surrounded by darkness. One day its like this country takes one step forward to then takes five steps backwards. It is infuriating. It maddens me.
When the anxiety is too much and I have exploded in complete delirium, when I finally am able to calm the rage inside my spirit, the compassion and love for my family and friends resurface. I recalibrate because when one goes through pain and suffering we are never the same coming out of the fire. The hope is that we are refined, made better because of the pain. For me, this life season is hurtful and I want to change and be a better mother, wife, daughter, sister, friend, and neighbor. I want to be a better global citizen. I truly hope that as a country we can empathize with each other and not only help each other up, but carry the burden because the struggle is real. The pain is real. And it is how we come out of the fire that will redefine us as a country. How you come out of your pain, your struggle, your loss will set the course we walk down and hopefully it will be for better days.