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I forgot

I know you never truly forget your lost baby. I started writing for Through the Heart about a month after my miscarriage (almost a year ago). I started strong and passionate. I maintained consistency with healing, grieving, outreach, acknowledgement, etc.  And then after my child’s due date, it kind of fizzled a little. And I have an intense guilt about this.

Even though I think of him every single day, I can tell that with the year anniversary, some of the sympathy and understanding is waning. Mother’s Day, I still get to hold my 2.5 year old in my arms, while I think about the should be 4 month old that I’ll never hold. It’s almost as if there’s a timer about to go off, the ding signaling that I no longer am able to grieve intensely. That my waves of sadness won’t be met with a gentle look or touch, but instead exasperation.

One of the hardest parts of this for me has been knowing that I’m the only person who thinks of him every day. That as new babies are added to the family, he won’t be regarded as one of the grandchildren. He won’t be considered a nephew. He won’t be a student, a brother, a graduate, a husband. He won’t be anything to anyone else on a daily basis, except me.

Grief is a tricky, tricky thing. It makes you want to forget everything, but begs you to remember it all at the same time. Each day as I kiss my daughter while sending her off to school, I like to take just a moment to think about him as well. Each day, it gets a little less sad and I spin it in a way that perhaps he’s my daughter’s little angel, watching over his big sister.

 

Category : Jessica , Volunteer Bloggers


About Author

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Jessica

Hi, Everyone. My name is Jessica! I'm sad, but excited to join this supportive community. I have a 5 year old and have been married for almost 4 years. My hopes in joining this expressive community is to acknowledge not only my feelings, but help others acknowledge theirs as well as their loss and provide hope for the future.

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If you’ve come to this blog, it likely means you have suffered a pregnancy loss of some type. We are so sorry you have found yourself here, but hope the stories of life after loss can help you on your road to healing and recovery. Remember, we are all in this together!

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