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It’s different…

Everyone experiences grief differently. For me, I was seven weeks along when we lost our baby. I hadn’t felt him kick or move. I hadn’t felt any symptoms of pregnancy, but those positive tests showed me he was. And while my husband and I were scared, we were excited. I struggle writing this because I don’t want to take anything away from my husband. He is an amazing man and father. And just because his grief was different than mine doesn’t mean he didn’t want this baby.

I think that’s something that has been hard to come to terms with. A woman becomes a mother when she sees that positive line. A man generally becomes a father when he holds or sees his child out of the womb and in the world the first time. Because I was so early, we don’t have any sonogram pictures of a profile. We don’t have heartbeat scans. I still have one pregnancy test and I know I won’t keep that forever. My husband isn’t terribly emotional. He was upset when we lost the baby, but he didn’t react the way I did. The pain he experienced was watching me break down and feeling helpless. He couldn’t make it better and he couldn’t solve this problem. That was his pain.

Last week was one year since we lost our baby. I thought maybe I would magically heal by that point. And I didn’t cry or hide  like I did when it happened. My husband took the weekend off and my mother in law watched our daughter. We didn’t really talk about it, but we spent the entire weekend together. Even though he didn’t talk about it, we remained close to each other throughout the few days and honestly, it felt like we were healing together in our own ways.

It’s hard when our partners don’t grieve to the same depths that we do. But it was also unfair for me to put those expectations on him.  I wouldn’t want to see my husband in the kind of pain I was in. I’m sure he would’ve done anything to protect me as well as our baby, but we are limited in what we can do in these situations. I’m lucky enough now to understand that he didn’t break down because he wasn’t sad, but because he knew I needed his strength.

 

Category : Jessica , Volunteer Bloggers


About Author

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Jessica

Hi, Everyone. My name is Jessica! I'm sad, but excited to join this supportive community. I have a 5 year old and have been married for almost 4 years. My hopes in joining this expressive community is to acknowledge not only my feelings, but help others acknowledge theirs as well as their loss and provide hope for the future.

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If you’ve come to this blog, it likely means you have suffered a pregnancy loss of some type. We are so sorry you have found yourself here, but hope the stories of life after loss can help you on your road to healing and recovery. Remember, we are all in this together!

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