Loss Milestones and a Rainbow Baby
For most August is a month full of sunshine, warm days and happiness, for me it is a month of both heart break and happiness. You see three years ago August (2014) brought us our third pregnancy loss.
I was so careful not to take part in our normal summer festivities of riding our atvs, and having some drinks around the campfire. But that didn’t matter in the end, we lost our precious little one anyways.
After our third loss we tried again and it took us almost a year to conceive again. In August of 2015 we found out we were expecting again. We were over the moon with excitement but also terrified that things would go wrong again. (Our fears came true in October of that year, on Canadian Thanksgiving)
As I look back at these loss milestones coming this month I can still feel the pain and the happiness I felt on those days. One thing I have learned over the years is that time does not make the pain go away, time makes the pain easier to deal with, most days. I still have some days that I mourn for my losses and wish I could go back in time before I miscarried and be able to hold all my babies in my arms. I know I will never be able to do this but one can wish.
As I think about the memories that this month brings me I also think about the memories that we are creating with our daughter who is here with us.
As much as I want to go back and be able to hold our babies and change our past, I also don’t want to change our past as it brought us our beautiful daughter.