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No, Just One

My husband and I were on vacation this past week. While in the elevator, a couple had two children in a stroller. One about 4 and the other 2. I smiled at them and said, “That makes me miss our daughter.” She smiled back and said, “Just one?”

I smiled back and said, “Yeah, just one.” She said, “For now?” and I replied, “No, just one…” and looked down at the floor. She repeated, “For now?” and while I know she didn’t know my struggle, part of me wanted to scream at her, to lash out at her, to tell her to mind her own business.

I was supposed to be 23 weeks pregnant that day. And I knew it. I know the week of pregnancy I SHOULD be on. I know that I should have a protruding belly at this point. I know what should be happening.

After our daughter was born, my husband and I threw around the idea of a second child and ultimately vetoed it. When we found out we were pregnant for a second time (surprisingly), we were scared but excited. After my miscarriage, I was hopeful that he would still want to try for a second earthbound baby, but he was firm in his previous decision to only have one. We would’ve absolutely loved and adored our second child if he would’ve made it in this world, but he was not planned.

I’ve been putting off writing this blog because when I type these words, I know the chance of having a second really are over. That the decisions are made and our second will be heaven bound instead.

So for the rest of my life, I’ll just be replying, “No, just one…”

Category : Jessica , Volunteer Bloggers


About Author

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Jessica

Hi, Everyone. My name is Jessica! I'm sad, but excited to join this supportive community. I have a 5 year old and have been married for almost 4 years. My hopes in joining this expressive community is to acknowledge not only my feelings, but help others acknowledge theirs as well as their loss and provide hope for the future.

2 Comments

Karen Kelly

September 26, 2017 at 11:33 am

I am sorry that you are hurting. After my first loss, I felt like I was always having the same conversation with everyone….the one where they asked if I had kids, I said no, they asked if I wanted them. I hated it. If there is one thing I have learned in the last 4.5 years, it’s not to ask anyone about their family planning! Words can be so hurtful even when unintentional.

Ashley Wellman

September 26, 2017 at 11:57 am

I love your beautiful heart. It is so hard when people ask things like “when are you having a second?” or “are you pregnant?” or “you don’t want her to be the only child do you?”… I want to scream “I didn’t choose this… my body betrayed me… thank you for reminding me of the multiple losses…” but instead I politely smile and offer a response that protects the person asking. I know with time, things will get easier, but my heart still hurts months after our 4th miscarriage… I am thankful for the members of this unfortunate club, because to know we are not alone is so powerful. LOVE YOU JESSICA. ITB… you are impacting those around you so much more than you know! <3

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If you’ve come to this blog, it likely means you have suffered a pregnancy loss of some type. We are so sorry you have found yourself here, but hope the stories of life after loss can help you on your road to healing and recovery. Remember, we are all in this together!

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