Not This Year
Every year for the last several years, we’ve had the same tradition on June 24: to celebrate our daughter’s birthday. Even though she didn’t make it to us here on Earth, my husband and I have always wanted to recognize her and the importance of that day – the due date of our very first child.
Our celebration generally includes cake/cupcakes/pie/dessert of some type. Not really much of a celebration per say, but in an attempt to make it a more positive remembrance, sweets never hurt. But underneath it all is always that underlying sadness, the truth that she is not here with us on this day and never will be.
This year, my heart just isn’t in it. I don’t want to “celebrate” or pretend that this is somehow a happy day. It isn’t. In the end, it’s not going to make me feel better or somehow forget that the girl who should be turning 5 today isn’t.
As I am now less than a month away from delivering my last child, I have been feeling like my pregnancy – and pregnancy loss – journey has become more static. But today reaffirms for me that it is in fact a never-ending and always changing process. Just because something has helped me grieve and heal in the past doesn’t mean it has to be the path I walk forever. We are allowed to change our minds, our feelings, our needs.
As humans we all experience tough times in our lives and the best we can hope for is it to be balanced out by the experiences that bring us happiness, joy, and peace. I’ve been fortunate to have several of those amazing moments over the last few years, reasons to truly celebrate. I don’t want to diminish those times or make pregnancy loss into something it isn’t, so this year, there will be no celebration.
There will be remembrance, and for us, that will be enough.