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One year anniversary

Hello everyone! I just wanted to start by introducing myself. My name is Julie, I am 29, and I have had 8 pregnancies, four kids with me and four I have lost.

I decided to post today because it is the one year anniversary of my last miscarriage. One year ago today I rushed to the hospital for spotting and cramping, I waited anxiously as they ran tests and did an ultrasound, my heart stopped at the quiet faces around me. Then the doctor came in, and she said I’m so sorry, and I started to cry. Because I have been through this before, I knew what she was about to tell me.

My beautiful baby passed away suddenly just a few days before my 2nd trimester and they don’t know why. They said she was healthy. We decided to name her Irene, because my other kids had already picked favorite names and that was the favorite. I’d love to say experience made it easier, but nothing makes it easier when you lose a child. It was a year from hell, I really struggled with coping, my other kids were grieving, my husband threw himself into work and trying to comfort me. I have cried for most of the year. Some days I feel like I’m on the mend, until a song comes on, or I see something that makes me think of her. I have never felt so desperately empty.

My other children are all in school now. We planned this baby so carefully, I took all my vitamins, I drank the right amounts of water. I struggled to understand why I couldn’t just feel better, I tried to push past it while inside I was counting the days. Then to my horror a month after I lost the baby my milk came in unexpectedly. I was devastated, the doctor never told me it was a possibility. My husband recommended counseling for the grief but I couldn’t open up.

I felt really awful in general – I was sad, I was tired, I couldn’t sleep or I slept too much, I couldn’t lose the baby weight, which made me cry more because she was gone but the weight wouldn’t go away. I sang in the car a lot, I filled my days with whatever I could think of to stay busy. At a recommendation I took up collecting and selling books, but by December I had thousands of books but still a broken heart. I realized then I would never come to terms if I didn’t pack away her things, which I couldn’t bear to touch and look at but couldn’t bear to pack up either, so I carefully boxed them and put them away, out of sight. I cried my eyes out the whole time.

The things that couldn’t be stored long term like diapers, wipes, lotions, and soaps I gave to a mother who was having a unexpected baby and had nothing to give her baby. I cried then too. But it also helped me face it. I feel stronger, but I think of her everyday. We aren’t sure we will try again, which was hard for me to adjust to, because I wanted nothing more than one more little one. Today is a hard day for me, but I have grown stronger. I move forward knowing that every moment she was with me was filled with love. Tomorrow will be a new day, and I take my days like I live them, one day at a time but on my worst days, I just take time one minute at a time.

Category : Julie , Volunteer Bloggers


About Author

Julie

I am a 30 year old mother of four beautiful children with four more waiting for me in heaven. Life has been a long journey for me and I love to help others in life.

2 Comments

Sandra Ouelltte

January 24, 2019 at 10:43 am

Hi Julie,
Let me start by saying that I am sorry to hear about the loss of your precious baby Irene. I cannot tell you that it will be okay because what you are feeling is real and you have to go through the sadness and the tears. You are a mother.
I too have suffered a loss, twice in my life. I have been blessed with a son who is 28 years old now and he is the best thing that ever happened to me, the best part of me. I will tell you that when I experience my first miscarriage my whole entire world came to a complete stop. I so desperately wanted to give my son a sibling so that he would not be an “only” child. And I was also having that feeling of wanting to be a mom so badly. However, nothing was going to stop my body from aborting this fetus that I wanted so much to keep growing me. That would not be the case and it happened to me twice each time at 6weeks. The devastation was unbearable. The depression I had was so intense and so much that I thought I would have to quit my job. You see, I am a Registered Medical Assistant and I was working in a Pediatric office where I took care of newborns and young children. I was not handling it well seeing all the newborns and the pregnant moms coming in with their young children for check-ups.
I had a co-worker approach me and talk to me giving me some advice. It wasn’t until then that I finally realized the words she spoke to me that made see things differently…She told me that I needed to stop punishing myself. That I was blaming myself for these miscarriages that I had. That I cannot understand the “WHY” at this moment and the doctors cannot tell me, especially because everything was OKAY. Nothing appeared to be wrong from a medical standpoint making it hard for me to comprehend. But we do know that when we conceive, everything has to be perfect right out of the gate and things do go wrong and any stage of a women’s pregnancy. Things that can be explained, others not. Sometimes it’s left up to God. And maybe he has some other plan for you…
I really wasn’t in the mood to hear this as you can image, but I let her talk and went on with my day and thought of this for some time. What she said to me did make a lot of sense. Now whether you are a religious person or not… I will tell you this, there was some truth to what she told me….
Today, my husband and I are divorced. My son has moved to Arizona and is engaged to be married. I am working for an OB/GYN practice where I help women who go through MAB and still born on a daily basis. Through the Heart is one of the websites that I do refer out patients to that help them reach out to other women…Myself included.
I know that I didn’t have anymore children and I think about the two that I lost everyday…would I have been a better mom??? I will never know .I do know that I am helping women everyday through my experience having been through all the emotions that went along with the miscarriage.
It takes time, understanding of family and friends that your precious Irene will always be in your heart where ever you go….
Sandy

Julie

February 2, 2019 at 11:26 am

So true Sandy thank you so much for your kind words. I definitely do feel that God has a plan even if I can’t see it right away and I take comfort in the fact that she spent every moment she was with us loved and that we will see her again one day.

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If you've come to this blog, it likely means you have suffered a pregnancy loss of some type. We are so sorry you have found yourself here, but hope the stories of life after loss can help you on your road to healing and recovery. Remember, we are all in this together!

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