• 0

What makes a mother? 

Yes, I’m a mother. This Mother’s Day I can’t sit by silently without acknowledging that fact.

After experiencing infertility and pregnancy loss I feel strongly that having a living child is not the only criteria that makes someone a parent. I am a mother by virtue of the focus of our babies in my life. My wife and I have made years worth of decisions based on our hope to become parents, and nearly a year’s worth of decisions and actions informed by our parenting of the children we have lost. Even if they aren’t here with us, I mother them daily in so many small ways.

I share their existence with others, even as the world tries its hardest to erase them. I think about them every time I comfort another loss mom or drop a savings deposit into our “next steps” account. When I see the closed door to the unfinished room that is meant to be a nursery. When we plan our calendar around the loss due dates, and the hope of potential due dates in the future. I imagine what we will tell our future child about their siblings someday.

I’m no less a mother because I couldn’t keep them alive. Or because getting pregnant was hard to begin with. I’m no less deserving of recognition because they didn’t make it here. Or because I lost them early.

I know it is a hard concept for many to grapple with, this identity I hold so strongly. Though it might be controversial to some I feel it with every fiber of my being. I’m a mom – their mom – and I won’t shut up about it just to make someone else feel more comfortable.

So while there will be no cards, no festive brunches, no kisses from sweet little ones to their mother for me this Mother’s Day I know in my heart that no one can take that label away from me. Mother’s Day is hard enough without trying to deny myself that.

Category : Meredith , Volunteer Bloggers


  • 0

Reflections On Mother’s Day

For many, Mother’s Day is a joyous day in which we celebrate the moms in our lives. However, for many it can be a day of anguish and pain.

Let us remember those whose moms have died; may they find solace in the good memories they hold dear. No matter when you have lost your mom, you often intensely feel the loss on Mother’s Day.

Let us remember children whose moms were not there for them, for any reason; may they recognize their self-worth and value. May they know they are loved.

Let us remember the birth mothers who placed their child for adoption, may they recognize the gift they gave. I believe it is a true, unselfish act of love to want a better life for your child. Having adopted two children, I am blessed to have received this gift.

Let us remember moms who have lost a child, may they find solace in knowing that while their child may not be physically with them, he or she holds a special place in their hearts.

I must admit I am not looking forward to this Mother’s Day. My mom passed away six years ago, and while she wasn’t always there for me, I know she did the best she could with what she had. I will miss selecting the “perfect” card to send to her and making the usual Mother’s Day call.

My heart will be with my daughter-in-law this Mother’s Day. This will be her first Mother’s Day without Liam. I know it will be especially difficult, since Liam’s due date was in May. Thankfully, she has her family close by to support her during what will be a difficult time. I know Liam will be looking down at her with love. I will be praying for her, all moms who have lost a child, and all our angels this Mother’s Day.

Category : Deb , Volunteer Bloggers


  • 0

Living My Best Life Now

I am very transparent when I share my experience about having a miscarriage. I want to share. I want to bring light to it so others do not feel alone. I believe that creating a support system is essential in one’s life to help us when the life storms are beating us down. But it just hit me today that I am good with sharing, which is a form of healing, but I do not know how to self sooth.

Last year my husband’s uncle passed away. It was the third death of a family member within two years. We decided to join a grieving support group at our church. Actually, I signed us up and told my husband when and where. My intentions were to help him with his grieving process because he has experienced loss most of his life and he is a very sensitive man. Again, me helping someone else. In that meeting I expressed my concerns for my husband’s well being. When it was his turn to talk, he brought up our miscarriage. It took me aback. At that point I had my second son and I realized that I never took a time out in this game of life. I am always on the move, but feeling like I am going nowhere.

But now it is all catching up with me. The anxiety laundry pile is getting higher and higher. The emotional baggage on my mind and heart are wearing me down. And it’s not the daily routine, but it’s like an internal conflict of past emotions and experiences that I have bottled up inside of me. I want to move forward in my life and seize opportunities to better myself and my family and yet there are emotional chains keeping me from living my best life for me and my family. I need help and I made the first steps to get it. Whether you decide to join a support group or speak to a therapist, it is never too late to ask for help. Live your best life now.

 

 

Category : Tracy , Volunteer Bloggers


  • 1

Let’s Grieve Like a Hero

The last place you thought you’d get a mild Endgame spoiler would be a blog on experiencing pregnancy and infant loss, but yes I’m going to write something spoilerish, so if you want to and haven’t seen Endgame yet, go see it and then come back and read this…

Grief for men in mainstream film is rarely depicted accurately. If you’re a dude in a blockbuster movie, grief makes you do two things: Channel all of it into anger and revenge, or channel it into revenge and anger. If you go by the summer blockbuster, your grief is gone the moment you exact revenge. In real life we don’t get that luxury especially when you can’t wage war across universes when it comes to your grief over a pregnancy loss…I mean who is there to even fight?

That is why when I saw Avengers Endgame the other day I was shocked by Thor (no pun intended). In Endgame we see the Thunder God lash out to seek revenge for his grief and frankly gets it, about 10 minutes into the film, but it doesn’t fix anything, it doesn’t fix his grief.

In the following scenes, you see how much it actually impacts him. He isolates himself, he drinks a “God”ly (pun intended) amount, he’s letting his anger seethe out in weird ways, and most importantly he’s low, he’s real low.

I immediately related, and not just because I had a Thor-like body all of a sudden but because I saw my own grief on that screen. I felt what it was like to talk to family and friends, ashamed and anxious. I felt that self doubt that I would ever be “myself” again.

It was real grief on the screen…it was grief that doesn’t just go away with one single act of revenge. It depicts the journey that grief is. In three hours you see Thor’s anxieties and insecurities, you see him run, you see him hide, you see him open up his heart, and watch as he lets some of that go.

One moment hit me hard in particular as Thor stands upright, for what feels like the first time in the movie, outstretches his hand and waits. What he summons isn’t just an old friend but something that defines him as a person, something that tells him he is worthy, and it comes to him.

I can’t tell you how often on my grief journey I have felt less than, unworthy because of my grief, but in truth, grief doesn’t make you unworthy, it doesn’t make you any less of a hero or a person. It means you ARE human, it means you ARE being heroic because you are feeling.

I really urge you to find a way to see that, even if when you hold out your hand you don’t receive what you lost, you may find something else, some power to continue on that hero path you are on.

Category : Paul , Volunteer Bloggers


  • 0

A Letter to You on Mother’s Day

A Letter to the Mother of An Angel Baby on Mother’s Day……

“The Lord is close to the brokenhearted
    and saves those who are crushed in spirit.” – Psalm 34:18

Dear Mama,

As we approach Mother’s Day, I want you to hear how loved you are. This day can be devastating for women who have lost a baby. I want you to know that you are remembered today. You may have never met your baby in person but you met them in your heart.  Their short presence in your life made an amazing impact on your life. Time can never take that fact away.  The day you found out you were pregnant, a love greater than you could ever have imagined developed in your soul.

But then grief…….grief viciously attacked your spirit. I understand that all too well. I know you. I see you. I understand you.

I remember my first Mother’s Day after losing Addis Baby #1 – I felt helpless. Sadness overwhelmed me as I scrolled through social media seeing posts from Mother’s Day festivities. I celebrated my own mom, but deep down inside I felt so much grief.

Now, looking back, I wish I had looked at that day differently – I wish I had celebrated it instead.

This Mother’s Day, take some time to just be. Be who you are as a mother, whether you have living children or not. Allow yourself the time to breathe and know that God is right next to you. It’s okay to feel sadness……BUT – it is also okay to feel joy – to celebrate that you ARE a mother. Only a mother can love as deeply and purely as you love your angel! Embrace that love and celebrate it this Mother’s Day! Celebrate that fact that you get to LOVE SO deeply, even if your baby is no longer with us. That kind of love is SO DEEP AND SO PRECIOUS! It is to be CELEBRATED!

From one mother to another mother – Happy Mother’s Day! YOU.ARE.LOVED!

Sincerely,

Cryssie

Category : Cryssie , Volunteer Bloggers


  • 0

As Time Moves On

I took my kids to spend Easter at my parents’ house. It was quite the adventure flying cross country with a two year old and four month old in tow. My parents hadn’t met my four month old yet, so the travel was worth it. We enjoyed our time together and there were lots of snuggling and spoiling the grandchildren. It was good to sit back and watch these relationships develop.

At the same time, I kept thinking back to the first three babies. My 2nd and 3rd losses were in March and April, so this time of year leads to a lot of reflection about those three anyway. Being with my children and my parents really made me sad about the missed opportunities. No grandchildren to spoil, no snuggles, no pictures or video to look back on. It’s been five years since my last loss, but the missing moments are still felt.

I don’t have to deal with the constant overpowering ache that was so heavy right after my losses. My days are full of purpose and joy, and I think we need that as life moves on. I’ve come to terms with it and time creating ever bigger spaces between me and my lost children. But, the holes are still there. I’m very aware of the memories I’m not making and will never have with those children. It makes moments like this past Easter bittersweet. For me that’s ok, because it’s a confirmation that I’ve moved forward without forgetting them.

Category : Stacey , Volunteer Bloggers


  • 0

Hindsight

One year, 11 months, and about 6 hours ago, I found out I was pregnant. When I look at the pictures in my Memories section of Facebook, it’s a reminder. I didn’t even know you were there. You were creating a home for yourself while I was flying to Maryland. While I was chasing your sister around on the playground. When I wasn’t sleeping and was crying because I was so tired. Every picture from that trip is full of you. Even though I didn’t know you existed, you’re there. You’re on the plane, you’re in the picture with me, your grandmother, your great-grandmother, and your sister.

I still play the blame game. I still wonder if I had calmed down, taken a breath, or asked for help that trip, would you still be there? I know it’s not my fault and logically, I know there’s nothing I could’ve done to keep you safe. But then, I turn that from a sad thought, to a positive. You were there. You are here. I still struggle to find the words of how deeply losing you affected me, how they changed my entire being. I haven’t been back to Maryland since 2017, but we’re going soon.

I hope that when I look at the playground, at the snowball stand, at the couch we all sat on, I’ll still see you. In hindsight, it makes so much sense as to why I was so tired and emotional. You were there.

Category : Jessica , Volunteer Bloggers


Welcome!

If you've come to this blog, it likely means you have suffered a pregnancy loss of some type. We are so sorry you have found yourself here, but hope the stories of life after loss can help you on your road to healing and recovery. Remember, we are all in this together!

Recent Posts

Recent Comments

Archives

Categories