“Number of pregnancies”
“Number of live births”
I had to fill out a new patient medical history form the other day at the doctor’s office. Those two prompts made my heart sink. I clutched my belly. My miscarriages surged to the forefront of my mind. I have a healthy baby girl now, why am I letting this affect me this way? I realized nothing can ever make me forget where I started. Moments like this trigger me and my heart and mind go right back to those events.
I have to put extra energy into maintaining my happy attitude. I am so grateful for my baby girl and that she is doing so well. I sometimes feel guilty that I still let myself feel defeated. Why do I feel guilty for having feelings? I have my rainbow baby and I can’t let my past get me down. I need to be strong for her.
But then again, I need to show her the importance of embracing life and dealing with feelings. I overthink about what others will think of me. What does she know? She has her baby now. I have to continue to try to not be affected by what others think. I am still learning to embrace all of what has happened.
Three pregnancies, one live birth, all in about two years. Writing about everything continues to be so helpful. It’s so important to take time to step back and evaluate where I started, where I am, and where I am going.
I am always learning. I am learning how to cope, learning how to grow, learning how to be the best mother I can be to the baby I have, while also never forgetting the two that could have been.