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Number of Pregnancies

“Number of pregnancies”

“Number of live births”

I had to fill out a new patient medical history form the other day at the doctor’s office. Those two prompts made my heart sink. I clutched my belly. My miscarriages surged to the forefront of my mind. I have a healthy baby girl now, why am I letting this affect me this way? I realized nothing can ever make me forget where I started. Moments like this trigger me and my heart and mind go right back to those events.

I have to put extra energy into maintaining my happy attitude. I am so grateful for my baby girl and that she is doing so well. I sometimes feel guilty that I still let myself feel defeated. Why do I feel guilty for having feelings? I have my rainbow baby and I can’t let my past get me down. I need to be strong for her.

But then again, I need to show her the importance of embracing life and dealing with feelings. I overthink about what others will think of me. What does she know? She has her baby now. I have to continue to try to not be affected by what others think. I am still learning to embrace all of what has happened.

Three pregnancies, one live birth, all in about two years. Writing about everything continues to be so helpful. It’s so important to take time to step back and evaluate where I started, where I am, and where I am going. 

I am always learning. I am learning how to cope, learning how to grow, learning how to be the best mother I can be to the baby I have, while also never forgetting the two that could have been.

Category : Kate , Volunteer Bloggers


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Summer Adventures

This summer has been busy at my house this year. Three of my kids have summer school for varying things. The fourth, my youngest, turns 7 soon. It seems more apparent than ever now that none are truly little anymore. Parting with that idea has been difficult for me. I loved having babies. But in many ways it has also been healing for me too. I took a year off of babysitting. I needed some time without seeing babies all the time. So there are no littles around my house this year. It has given me a chance to really focus on my family and healing from our loss.

To add to a busy schedule of summer school and daily activities, I also took on an extra shift for the summer to pay off debt. This means I work full time nights while I have also been working on building the new venture I began last year. I have kept it mostly to myself and close friends and family until recently – I am working in books! I needed to DO something, so I began buying and selling books last year. It has been an enlightening, challenging and refreshing adventure into a world in which I have previously only been a customer in the past. But it’s also helped fill my hours and gives me something to look forward to and focus on besides the typical daily routines.

I have had varying reactions when I told family and friends. Some are absolutely fascinated with the idea that I am doing something with my grief, and some who are completely appalled at the idea. I like to say like parenting, loss doesn’t come with a manual. This works for me, whether it works for others, I don’t know. In the year I’ve been at it I’ve built an inventory of about 12,500 books, which isn’t much but it sure seems like it when I do not yet have a formal office or physical store location.

But I have discovered that I love what I do. I never thought I would be interested in a venture like this before. My future goal is to open a store, with a literacy center for retired teachers and volunteers to teach reading classes and a second hand store for books and classes for people who might not otherwise have access to books or further education. For now, however, it’s small but it’s gaining momentum. But it has made such a difference for me to have something to work towards. Each one of us copes in our own way on this journey but it’s so nice to know we are not alone in this. I would love to hear some of what everyone else is doing! 

Category : Julie , Volunteer Bloggers


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Burgers, Brats, and a Bit of Grief

Since our losses, I really hate small group settings with other guys, especially if I do not know them very well. BBQs have become especially anxiety-inducing.  Mostly because after the baseball talk is over, after I find out they don’t play fantasy football, that they’re not into Marvel or DC Comics but love the Walking Dead, (I even binge-watched GOT to cover my grounds)  the talk always turns to kids. Not just kids, but having more. 

Not to sound flippant here, but to be honest, the odds are if you are in a group of 3 other dudes and yourself, that no other guy in that group has experienced pregnancy loss. That’s awfully isolating, right? Especially if the chest-puffing begins with the details ”Yeah, we’re good with two, but if three happens, that’s good too” or “They’re our last, no matter. I’m getting snipped.” Then sitting there trying to time your bites of your burger just right not to get drawn in, all eyes turn to you: ”So how about you guys? When is J getting a little brother or sister?” 

At this moment, the nervous chewing begins and lots of thoughts pepper internally. Do I lie? Do I joke? Is this a chest-beating social interaction where they are establishing virility and want to know if I am manly enough for the pack? Am I going to make this an awkward situation if I just drop my truth? Am I going to cry when I talk? Will my voice crack? Awww…crap, this burger is now a liquid and I have to talk. 

It’s kind of like being a deer in headlights. For a while, I just laughed and lied and changed the subject, especially when we were only a few weeks or so removed from the pregnancies. Now recently I was in this same situation above, and I changed my response. In a deadpan voice I spoke my truth. Not graphic, just the truth. 

“Welp, we’ve had a few losses.” The air was sucked from the little circle in which we found ourselves. It got uncomfortable, some condolences were given, and some primal grunting, and a “well look at that” and they exit.

While yes it was uncomfortable,  it created a moment of realization. In that group where everything was stripped away,  there were feelings and authentic reactions. 

That is where we have to start. That’s where healing is, in being authentic about the grief and letting it happen whatever and wherever it needs to happen. 

And while this conversation ended the way it did, being honest has opened the doors to other conversations with men about this. You hear stories about infertility, you hear stories of grief, and those connections build. These conversations not only build an important bridge to others but one that allows you to cross the chasm of your own grief. In the end, talking about the losses helps you continue this journey that will never be over and one you never asked to start.

Category : Paul , Volunteer Bloggers


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Right Where You Are

The past few months have been both amazing and chaotic for my husband and me. We recently moved from Portland, OR back home to Lubbock, TX and the transition has been so beautiful….but also extremely tough. Not only have we been roughing the unpacking, settling in and getting used to a new time zone, but we  have also been swimming through emotions of the loss we experienced right before we moved back home.

We thought we would be coming back home with a beautiful surprise, a new little addition to the family. Instead, we made the long drive back to the West Texas flat lands with broken hearts and yet another broken dream. We miscarried literally days before the moving truck pulled up to load up our belongings. I miscarried at seven weeks pregnant and it was one of the most confusing and painful moments of my life. We have been here before, but this loss was different. I couldn’t figure out why we would get such lovely news of pregnancy right before we returned back home to our families, only to be leaving the dream of our sweet baby behind in Portland, OR.

For me, I felt like I was leaving behind my child. I remember feeling so conflicted as we drove off from a city I wasn’t happy in, back home to my family who I longed to be closer to. I felt as if I was being a terrible mommy for leaving the remains of our 7-week old baby behind. I know it sounds strange, but…..that’s how I felt.

Getting back to Texas, unpacking, meeting up with family and friends, coffee dates with long time friends…..all of it was wonderful….but I felt so rushed into healing and it made me angry. Until one night, I cried out to God, telling Him how unfair it felt. I just wanted to scream at everybody that I was hurting and broken and needed to be left alone for a while. It was in that moment that I was given permission to step back from the welcome home visits and busy schedules…..and just be. He reminded me to invite Him into these broken places and ALLOW the healing to happen. I realized that coming home and getting busy was my way of masking the hurt and disappointment I was feeling deep down inside. He reminded me that He would meet me RIGHT WHERE I WAS.

Today, I want to encourage you to just be. Whether you just experienced pregnancy loss or have been going through it for a while – take some time to just be. Take some  time to invite God in…… and most of all, remember that He will meet you RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE. You are loved sweet friend. Most of all, you are not alone. I am praying for every single woman, man or couple who reads this. God knows you by name and He sees you!

“He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds.” Psalm 147:3

Category : Cryssie , Volunteer Bloggers


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A Birthday Gift

As loss parents, there is often a lot of second-guessing and asking “what if?” We’re forced to make decisions in our darkest moments when all rationality has been lost and we’re driven by pure emotion and heartache.

When I was pregnant with my first baby, we never came close to choosing a name. Sure, we had loosely discussed it, but it was never at the forefront of our concerns as we worried instead about her health.

After she was gone, we chose to cope by distancing ourselves from her. Giving her a name made her – and our loss – more real. More painful.

Over the years, I’ve carried a lot of guilt about not giving her a name. She was my child, how could I not do this for her? But the timing has never felt right – until now. There are very few things we can do for our daughter all these years later but giving her this gift may be the most meaningful action possible.

Today, on what would have been her 6th birthday, we are finally giving our child a name: Adeline Grace.

Had either of my sons been a girl, this would have been their name. But since they weren’t, it seems only fitting that this special name goes to the little girl who forever changed our lives in so many ways.

Today is a hard day as it always is, but maybe this is the year I will finally begin forgiving myself.

Category : Karen , Staff/Board Members


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When do you…?

After all these years of wanting multiple children when do you make the decision to stop trying?

When do you make the decision that you can not go through another loss?

When do you make the decision to not give your child a sibling when you know what they will be missing?

When do you make that call?

Where do you choose to draw that line?

Will we ever be okay with the concept of having an only child?

These are are the questions I ask myself regularly. For now I don’t have any answers to these questions.

We told ourselves a few years ago that we would never put ourselves through the struggles of trying for another child like we did with our daughter. But now that we are there and figuring out what we are going to do I feel torn. Torn because I don’t want to stop trying but every loss tears a piece of us away. How much more do we have to give before it’s too late?

So many questions and so few answers. One day the answers will come, but today we will put the questions away for another day.

Category : Amanda , Volunteer Bloggers


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It takes immense courage to be sad

Where does one go once they’ve experienced a loss that they’re unfamiliar with?
Who does one turn to?
Is this feeling of immense loneliness normal?
Is it common to ignore the support group for everyday life because they just don’t understand your new struggle?

These questions flooded my head once I learned that my baby was lifeless within me. I had the support of my partner, who was also deeply saddened and lost, but the loneliness was astounding.

The next day I had my D&C, it felt like a blur. I was moving through my life for several weeks as if I was living outside of my body watching it all happen. I couldn’t understand my grief, therefore I couldn’t explain it to anyone – the isolation was terrifying.

It took weeks for me to feel courageous enough to share my story and find my way into a community I didn’t know existed. Miscarriage was a foreign term to me, I knew nothing about it. I just started mastering the concept of pregnancy, and then it was suddenly ripped from under me with no warning.

Now, more than four years and two angel babies later, I have found my strength and know my grief. I live within my grief and recognize its ongoing presence in my life. I do not deny that I still grieve to this very day.

I still find myself waking up exhausted emotionally, for no other reason than I am still sad. It would be a lie to say that I am okay and I have healed well. I still feel wrecked by my guilt and my grief.

A mother’s love is undeniable, but a mother’s grief is unimaginable. It takes immense courage to be sad, and this is something I still have to tell myself.

Category : Robin , Volunteer Bloggers


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If you've come to this blog, it likely means you have suffered a pregnancy loss of some type. We are so sorry you have found yourself here, but hope the stories of life after loss can help you on your road to healing and recovery. Remember, we are all in this together!

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