Standing Tall Through it All
For the last 5 years, I have worked from home and in the beginning it was a big shift from office life, but as I gradually adjusted to this new norm, I used this opportunity to review my work habits. I finally came to terms that I am bad at time management and I cannot multitask. I also realized that after 15 years, I need to really think about what the next 10 to 20 years in my professional life will look like and its time for me to take control. For a long time, I have regretted some life choices and felt disappointed that I did not stay true to my childhood dreams. But I don’t believe in coincidences so how can I align my life’s past, present and future?
I believe that I must be proactive in my blessings. So last October, I finally made the decision to enroll in a Master’s in Health Administration online program. With the support of my husband, I juggle being a mom, a student and a full time employee (oh yes, and wife). After the first quarter, I learned a lot about myself as an adult student like I cannot study late at night because I am dead tired with a lingering headache in the mornings (how did I stay up for days during finals week in college???). But I fell rejuvenated in my passions. And I am starting to feel confident in my knowledge and submitted work. I still need to develop a better study routine and habit, but I do give myself a few days to write a few drafts before I submit my assessments. One step at a time.
With all this on my plate, having another child does cross my mind. It’s now or never. At 40 I am only adding more anxiety and risks to my plate. My mother told me the other day I should just relax and enjoy watching the boys grow up. And I thought, she is right. Life threw me a curve ball when I started my own family and I would never do anything different because it strengthened my relationship with my husband and gave us a testimony despite our miscarriage, so I believe that where I am in my life is exactly where I need to be so I will make the best, tastiest lemonade out of these lemons. My oldest son is a few months away from graduating from pre-kindergarten. My youngest son is growing into his own little person. God has truly found favor over my life and I will continue to believe in Him. I can breathe and be still in this calm.
Where I am today took a lot of detours. Before I met my husband, I attended a bible study on Experiencing God and it revealed to me that the most important relationship is my relationship with God because it mirrors my relationship with myself and others. This crushed me because I was not taking care of myself and the relationships around me were in turmoil. I could no longer be aloof but actively present in my own destiny and instead of fear, have faith that I can morph into God’s adorned purpose for my life. Time is not against us, but works with us. Use it to your advantage and do what you have always wanted to do. Make that career change. Trust your inner talents and pick up a paintbrush and start creating your masterpiece. Share with the world your passions. Share your story. Your rebirth can help someone desperately waiting on proof that strength, patience and endurance can change the course of one’s life.
In tragedy and loss, I have learned that there are so many emotions that can either fuel us to action or paralyze us in place. Every emotion is important and as painful as it may be we need to embrace them all. We need to grieve and keeping moving. We need to cry and still console a friend. We need to laugh when watching our favorite sitcom. We need to listen when a loved one has a hard day. We need to pick up the phone and make connections. We need to breathe through the heartache. We need to keep moving to get to a brighter day and believe me they are there waiting for you.
Right now I am content and anxious about what upcoming opportunities are developing as I take control of my destiny’s narrative. I reflect on my pregnancy loss and how my recovery has led me here. I try to repurpose my pain into sharing my story and helping others around me to gain back a piece of my humanity. There will always be curve balls you will need to watch out for in life but how are you prepared to get through them? Are you going to panic and hide? Are you going to be selfish and hoard all the toilet paper? In times of hardship, our true selves will either shine or flicker. Right now is the time to show strength, compassion, integrity, and hope. We can no longer live with our heads down, but embrace our collective selves and build up our communities that are broken with poverty, homelessness, and hunger. We need to band together and promote women’s and reproductive health. We need to find our voice as citizens and demand better from our leaders. We cannot go back. We must move forward. Let’s take care of each other.