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The Last Milestone

Today was my due date.

It’s the 3rd time I’ve reached this milestone knowing that I wouldn’t have a baby coming home. I will admit that I’ve become almost numb to this occurring. With our first we honored her due date by planting a lemon tree. With our second, we threw a stone into the reflecting pool at the Lincoln Memorial.

This time? We don’t have a single thing planned. I’d like to blame it on being incredibly busy lately, including the fact that I am now 21.5 weeks pregnant with a healthy baby due in July. But deep down, I think it’s because I don’t want to do this anymore.

I’m tired. I feel like every couple of years I’m sitting here writing the exact same blog post. The thoughts and emotions are all the same, just the date is different. I don’t want to mourn the child that isn’t with us, I want him or her to be here. These days are hard – I don’t want to keep living through them.

Just in the past few days has it hit me that this is very likely the last major pregnancy loss milestone that we will go through. There’s something oddly comforting about knowing that the worst will now be behind us. At the same time, it’s a reminder that this is, in a way, only the beginning. March 12 will always be a difficult day for us the same way June 24 and January 9 are. For the rest of my life, it will be a day that my baby wasn’t born.

Category : Karen , Staff/Board Members


About Author

Karen Kelly

Hello! I'm Karen Kelly, co-founder of Through the Heart. My journey started in 2013 when I lost my daughter at 20 weeks into my pregnancy. I experienced 2 more losses along the way and have used this blog as an outlet for a lot of random thoughts and emotions. I hope that you find it helpful. Feel free to reach out at kkelly@throughtheheart.org if I can help in any way!

2 Comments

Donna Robichaud

March 12, 2018 at 1:29 pm

I’m so happy for your new baby and at the same time can relate to the pain of your tepeated losses. It is truely bittersweet. I found that enjoying my daughter and her milestones while thinking from time to time about her brothers and sisters who weren’t here, helped me appreciate her so much more! I appreciated the gift of being a mom.

Stacey

March 16, 2018 at 5:45 pm

I was the same with my third. I just didn’t want to do anything, again. I’ve also found that finally having a loving child has changed how I want to commemorate my losses. I think things change as our lives change, and it’s completely ok.

Also, I’m so thrilled to hear about your pregnancy!

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If you've come to this blog, it likely means you have suffered a pregnancy loss of some type. We are so sorry you have found yourself here, but hope the stories of life after loss can help you on your road to healing and recovery. Remember, we are all in this together!

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