Around this time in July of 2017, I was a couple weeks away from finding out I was pregnant again. Seven months from my first miscarriage, I was finally starting to feel like myself, happy and hopeful. Life felt like it was taking a turn for the better. Physically I was feeling much better. Then, the second miscarriage hit.
Fast forward to now, July 2018. I’m 25 weeks pregnant. I’ve had no complications thus far. The baby is growing as he or she should. I moved into a new house with my husband and we are starting to set up a nursery. You really never know what can happen in a year. Just a year ago I was feeling completely hopeless. I was depressed. I had no faith in what my body could do because it had failed me twice in such a short amount of time. I felt so isolated, so alone.
Now here I am, experiencing the miracle of life growing inside of me. I honestly am amazed at myself and at the female body in general. The way our bodies know what to do is truly a miracle. My body has got this and I need to do what I can to make sure everything keeps running as it should.
I’m amazed that I have been able to pick myself up and keep faith. I still fall. But knowing I have the ability to get back up keeps me from staying down. I was texting a friend about this and I said I don’t know how us women do it when we are faced with these personal, internal struggles. She said, “We do it because we have to. There’s no choice in that. It’s just the matter of time it takes till you can get back up.” She’s right. It’s in our nature to rise after we fall. We just have to.
I have had support along the way, I could never forget that, but this has primarily been a solo journey. Yes, getting pregnant involves a counterpart and I do recognize these things have not only happened to me, but also to my husband. But once the life is initiated, it’s mostly the woman’s journey. We carry the child inside of us. It is our responsibility to ensure this life is cared for from the moment of conception and beyond. I think the term “mother to be” is silly. Pregnant women are already mothers. We are caring for our babies from the very start, whether the pregnancy lasts a few weeks or goes full term. We are mothers.
Every time I feel this baby kick, I smile. I smile for the life I am growing. I smile for the two that could have been that have become a motivation to be the best I can for this one. I still cry for them. But now I smile more because I know they are angels watching over us.
I don’t know if I believe it every day. I still struggle to keep that faith and I think I always will. Some days I cry a lot. But then I feel the kicks. They’re kicks back to reality. It’s like he or she is telling me, “Hey, mom. We’re going to be okay this time.”