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What Am I Doing Here?

It’s a question that I’ve asked a lot over the years.  I’ll admit sometimes, more than others, mostly in college, I truly had no clue. Most of the time I can answer that question with the simple answer of “Yeah, I probably shouldn’t have said/done that.”

On that summer day, as I sat in silence with my wife, on that hillside, under a small tree which seemed to give just enough shade just for Sara and myself, I asked myself quietly “What am I doing here?”

We sat silently watching people’s lives continue as our lives were changing.  We tried to reason and answer the question with short bursts of denial. “Well, we have one more blood test to check numbers!” “The doctor didn’t say that the baby wasn’t actually not viable!” In the end, the truth was…I was there, we were there because we had a miscarriage.

There is no reason for that moment, to that destination. It’s a place that has no real answer. Because “here” after a loss is relative. It’s nowhere, it’s everywhere, and my experience was completely different than Sara’s because, well, she was having a separate experience of that same loss.

It’s that fog that created so many issues after our first loss. It tripped us up. We retreated to our corners, to find our own answer to “What am I doing here?” That isolation is a terrible place to be. It took me so long to talk to someone, it took me so long to reach out to other men who also had a miscarriage, it took me too long to recognize my wife’s own issues and needs. All because I was asking “What am I doing here” and not seeing the truth of the situation which is “We are here.”

It sucks, but it’s true. We are here. We are in a horrible club, bonded by grief yet we are here, cemented in the strength, together. It’s maybe not the answer to the “What”, the “How”, the “When”, the “Why” but it is the answer to the “Who”.  We.

Through The Heart is a wonderful resource for the We. I feel grateful that I will be able to share with you my story, my thoughts, my experiences, through my lens and I look forward to growing in 2019 through yours.

Category : Paul , Volunteer Bloggers


About Author

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Paul

My name is Paul Varga, I work as a Business / Operations Manager by day, I write jokes and do a little improv at night. I live in Maryland with my wife Sara and "Three" teen-year-old daughter Jackie. Since Jackie, we've experienced 3 losses. My main goal for blogging at Through The Heart is to continue to grow with our losses and help others do the same.

2 Comments

SS

January 31, 2019 at 4:14 pm

As always, taken aback by the honesty, the raw truth, the heartache and hope in your words. It’s not a reality I’m familiar with, but one that I have witnessed through loved ones eyes. May you find solace and comfort in the WE.

Jennavive Kulo

February 1, 2019 at 10:16 pm

Oh PAul, my heart goes out to you and Sara! Much love to you. I’m in tears after reading this and I know no words can help your pain. Your writing is beautiful, keep sharing it, because it may bring healing to others that have experience such loss.

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If you've come to this blog, it likely means you have suffered a pregnancy loss of some type. We are so sorry you have found yourself here, but hope the stories of life after loss can help you on your road to healing and recovery. Remember, we are all in this together!

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