When it’s time
I have held some traumatic images and details of my own miscarriage secret for a long time. I told no one including my husband. Finally, through therapy, I made the decision to explain to him and then to write about it.
We received confirmation on 5/31/17 of my miscarriage from our doctor. When given the option to pass naturally, I stopped him and said, “I don’t think I can handle that. Please schedule me for the D&C.” Two days later, the morning of my procedure, I went to the bathroom. When I wiped, I had passed the baby. At first, I thought it was a clot that I was passing, but when I looked closer I could see arms. I touched them, seeing if I was correct in noting that they were arms.
And then my brain shut down. It was protecting me from the trauma I was experiencing, which was holding my blueberry sized dead baby in my hand. I flushed everything down the toilet and went to my appointment.
Only when they called to state that the procedure was successful and I asked if they had located the baby, the doctor told me that there was evidence of a “product of conception” but wouldn’t or couldn’t confirm the actual baby.
At that moment, I was overcome with grief at the honest and full realization that I had flushed my baby in the toilet. As I told my husband, I do not have many regrets in life, but this is a huge one. It has caused me to feel deep shame, grief, remorse, and anger at my body for not only failing to keep my baby safe, but for then disposing of him the way I did.
This is deeply personal to me and I’ve struggled for 3 years on who to tell, how to tell them, and how to heal from the unbelievable grief it has caused in addition to the loss of the baby. I know now that I can’t change it, but the relief of sharing and maybe letting someone know they’re not alone has been healing itself.