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When you find a little sense of peace

For at least a week or more, I walked around unaware that my baby stopped growing with no signs of complication. At my scheduled ultrasound, my baby’s heartbeat was not detected. I recall my clinical diagnosis was “spontaneous abortion.” The word “spontaneous” removes blame and reasoning. I left the office feeling void and heartbroken. It left me with a sense of searching. Not sure what I was looking for, but hoping once I came across it, it would give me some peace.

A few weeks later, I came across TTH and this community has been a beacon in a dark, confusing time. The personal stories I read each Tuesday continue to rebuild me and repurpose me. The resources and testimonials helped me reconcile my feelings. I look forward to TTH Tuesdays even after two years since that dreaded day.

A month ago,  TTH posted a NY Times article titled “The Japanese Art of Grieving a Miscarriage.” It spoke of how the Japanese culture embraces miscarriage and provides communal and spiritual spaces to memorialize it. Up until then, I kept my first sonogram on my work desk, but after I read the article, a sense of clarity came over me. Immediately I started to search online for a symbol that encompassed my little angel. Nothing really caught my eye or spoke to me. The next morning I walked into my oldest son’s preschool and in the lobby was a lost and found table, and immediately I saw this little angel figurine that was as if it was designed just for me. I decided to search for it online and apparently the brand is discontinued. The next day I asked the front desk if the figurine was not claimed if I could have it and she gave it to me. I was so happy. And now beside my sonogram, a little angel sits next to it.

For some it will be a figurine or tattoo or garden that brings a sense of reverence to represent a time of loss. But it will come. Maybe not tomorrow, but keep searching.

 

Category : Tracy , Volunteer Bloggers


About Author

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Tracy

My fertility journey started in 2012. After 2 years of numerous rounds of fertility treatment, I finally became pregnant with my first son. After his birth, I continued to struggle getting pregnant and returned to the fertility clinic. In 2016 I became pregnant. Unfortunately at 10 weeks, I miscarried. Five months later I became pregnant again and gave birth to my second son in 2018. I share my experience because there are so many women who struggle alone and we need to encourage dialogue and support each other. Bringing love and light to a hard topic but necessary for healing and change.

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If you've come to this blog, it likely means you have suffered a pregnancy loss of some type. We are so sorry you have found yourself here, but hope the stories of life after loss can help you on your road to healing and recovery. Remember, we are all in this together!

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