As far as I can recall, I have always dreamed about being a mother. I have always had a special bond with every baby I came into contact with, many people called me the “Baby Whisperer.” I got diagnosed with PCOS and a tilted uterus about 2 years ago and was told that it would be somewhat difficult to conceive a child. My husband and I got married that following May and I got off of birth control that August. In the months to come I began not to have a period naturally so I had to take progesterone pills in order to ovulate and have a period.
We continued to try to have a child and I remember it so clear the day that I found out I was pregnant. I was done using my 10 day round of progesterone to have a period and I was showing my usual symptoms before a period, the only thing different was that my breasts were hurting more than normal. I knew I needed to go back to the OB to get some more pills because I had not had my period yet. Well something told me to take a pregnancy test that night around midnight. My husband was already asleep because he had to be to work at 4:30am. I went and peed on the stick and I screamed louder than I probably have ever screamed in my life. He came in running and didn’t know what was going on. We embraced each other and I began to cry.
We told our parents in May right before we moved into the house we just bought. I knew they would think something was up if I was not able to help move things. We did the cutest reveal of placing baby booties in a box and decorating the inside with “You’re going to be a grandmother.” This was extra special because it was Mother’s Day weekend. My husband and I’s first wedding anniversary was May 24 and we announced to everyone that we were pregnant.
The next day on Memorial Day I began to bleed, I was 12 weeks pregnant. I went to the ER thinking, this is nothing I should just go home and get in my bed and it will be all fine. We waited and waited in the ER until finally they took us back and gave me an ultrasound. I remember looking on the screen and even said out loud, “the baby looks weird.” The technician tried and tried to find a heart beat, all while my husband was right beside me smiling because he was looking at our baby and not even noticing what I already knew.
They wheeled me back in the wheelchair and we waited and waited some more until the doctor finally came in. She was young herself and we could tell she had been crying, she told us the news and she gave both of us a huge hug and gave us a minute. We went home and the next morning I went to my OB and they gave me the “pill,” I took it and the next day is when I gave birth to our baby. We held it in our arms and cried. That was by far the hardest day of my life.
As our due date approaches, December 14, I can’t help but feel pain and sadness. I will never get to watch my child grow up and I will never get to see them walk, talk, cry, grow up, get married and have their own kids one day. You never know the pain a woman goes through when they lose a child unless you actually have been through it yourself. We will always remember our first child and we will always honor them. Because their mommy and daddy loved them more than they will ever know.
-Hali G.
Rock Hill, SC
Published 12/28/15