My third daughter was born in November 2012. I had to have a c-section due to placenta previa, and I had a tubal ligation during that time. My husband and I decided we were happy with our three healthy kids. I was sad at closing that chapter in my life of having babies, but knew that financially we wouldn’t be able to do all the things we wanted to do if we had a fourth baby.
Fourteen months after my daughter was born, on February 12, 2014, I found out I was pregnant. My husband and I were shocked. I was scared that it would be ectopic since my tubes were tied, so the next day I called my doctor. I was scheduled for bloodwork that same day.
The first two rounds of bloodwork came back fine. When I was around 5 weeks, I got an ultrasound. We were relieved that the sac was in the uterus rather than a fallopian tube. I started getting excited, and started looking at baby stuff online. Even my husband was excited. However, a couple of rounds of bloodwork later, I was told that I would likely miscarry because my betas weren’t doubling as they should.
When I was around 6 weeks, I still hadn’t miscarried, and I was still having bloodwork done every few days. The nurse called me one day and said that my doctor wanted me to go to my specialist (the doctor who delivered my last baby, since I was high risk due to where the placenta was attached, and who did my tubal ligation), because he was worried about a possible pseudo pregnancy (which from what I understand is, the sac is in the uterus, but the baby is in the tube).
I went to my specialist, fully expecting to be told that I lost my baby. The ultrasound technician came in and started the ultrasound. Immediately, I saw a flicker on the screen. I sat straight up and said, “Is that a heartbeat?” She confirmed it. Tears rolled down my face. I had a miracle growing inside me.
My doctor came in and said he was cautious because my bloodwork was signaling that I would miscarry, and the heartbeat was only around 115-120 at that point. I also had a subchorionic hematoma. He wanted me to come back in two weeks to check things out again.
About 3 days before my next appointment, I started spotting. I kept telling myself it was from the hematoma, and that I knew it could possibly leak. But when the blood got heavier the next couple of days, my heart knew.
On March 12, I went to my specialist. The ultrasound tech didn’t have to say a word. I saw nothing on the screen. I laid there crying, my heart breaking. Later that night, I passed the baby. I was able to keep it–I put it in a baggy and froze it. I planned on burying it under a tree that I wanted to plant at my dad’s farm.
I changed my mind about burying it. I decided to have it cremated and the ashes put into a wind chime urn so every time the wind blew, I would hear my baby.
Every day for the last almost 7 months I have cried for my baby. Some days I sob. My girls are too young to understand what happened, so all they know is Mama is sad, and they give me hugs. I’m thankful for them every moment of every day, but my heart has a dark spot that aches for the baby I didn’t get to meet.
I don’t think I will ever not be sad. This has affected me in a way I never thought possible. I thought I would never be in this position, especially having my tubes tied, but for some reason, I was supposed to have an angel baby brought into my life. I love my baby so much. I love him for every moment I knew he existed, and I continue to love him.