This is a poem I wrote on August 22nd, National Rainbow Baby Day. My daughter Lucy is my rainbow baby. The name Lucy means “of light.” She is the light that came to us and cleared our storm. -Kate
When the waves crashed down on me
When the waves crashed down on me, my breath escaped me.
Desperate, I gasped and reached for the surface.
For much of my life, I had coasted through unscathed.
I worked hard. I enjoyed my time.
I fell in love. I got married.
Our love overflowed and created endless possibilities.
First pregnancy. Tears of joy.
Ready to meet our first child.
Cue the waves of words I never imagined I’d hear.
Not viable. Empty womb. Blighted ovum. D&C.
The waves crashed over me and held me there.
I struggled to swim as the clouds grew dark.
I reached for my husband’s hand.
He had changed too. Alone. Afraid. Confused.
We leaned into each other and let the waves bind us closer.
Strength returned. Love inspired. There was light.
Tried again. Positive test. Familiar feelings.
As hope pulled me from the deep, blood appeared.
Cue the waves. Darkness returned.
Chemical pregnancy. Clots.
Pain. Defeat. Confusion.
Thrown deeper into the waves.
Pushed further away from hope.
Lost in a sea of despair.
My mind thundered. My heart rained.
Months of talk. Months of research.
Months of trying to make sense of something that seemed nonsensical.
Each wave strengthened our resolve.
Implemented lessons learned.
Positive test. Fear. So much fear.
Blood tests. Progesterone.
Hope. Hope. Hope.
Calm waves. Clear skies.